If there's such a place as "heaven" and "hell" and I happen to miss the cut at the end of life, whatever horrifying chamber of horrors where they chose to burn my soul can’t be half as bad as the inside bowels of the monstrosity called the MGM Grand. This is anti-Christ of casinos. The "Evil Empire."

If you love being treated like a "number," if your idea of fun is hunting for a public restroom, if you enjoy standing in long lines, if you cherish crowded shopping malls, if you like not being able to find your car in the parking lot -- I have great news! The MGM Grand is for you!

The MGM Grand represents just about EVERYTHING that is wrong with today's modern casino industry. It's big. It's impersonal. It's fake. It's corporate. It's evil.

It's like the scene right out of the movie "The Wizard of Oz" (ironically, the them of the casino) where the lovable cast finally reaches it's destination at Oz and comes upon a gargantuan, highly impersonal community totally devoid of humanity, with some bean counter behind the curtain pulling the levers. That's the MGM Grand.

My first time ever to enter the MGM was about four years ago. Back then, the corporate shits in the executive boardroom thought it would be a "Grand" idea to stick an amusement park back in the rear of the mega-casino. That way, Mommy and Daddy could fuck off the kiddies college tuition money at the gambling tables and little junior could cream in his pants giggling at the sight of Mickey Mouse. Brilliant marketing plan, boys. That novel concept brought in minivan loads of families in flowered shirts and flop flops, pushing baby strollers right through the middle of the casino all looking for the giant roller coaster. Nice touch. Trouble was -- Mommy and Daddy spent most of their time gawking at the bright lights and maneuvering through the casino maze (instead of gambling) while the kiddies in the back got their nuts sucked off in the back by Yogi Bear and Goofy.

Next, the MGM geniuses -- who obviously don't have a CLUE about gambling -- put up a huge Lion's Mouth at the casino's front entrance facing out toward the Strip. The stiffs in the suits thought it would be really cool if the casino used the famous MGM logo as part of their architectural design. So, all visitors had to walk into the giant golden Lion's Mouth" the enter the casino. Dumb!

Trouble was -- the Asian gambling market stayed away in droves! Seems it's considered bad luck in most Asian cultures to walk directly into the mouth of a lion. Imagine that. Asians, who make up a significant portion of Vegas' high-roller market, avoided the MGM largely out of superstition. In response, the corporate geniuses at the MGM took a wrecking ball to the lion at a cost of a several million dollars. One phone call to China might have avoided that catastrophe. Dumb!

Next, the corporate jerk-offs decided to shut down the poker room two years ago after years of neglect and mismanagement. The poker room initially had been grossly overbuilt. They failed to promote it in any way, then claimed it didn't get enough business. Go figure. Never mind that they never once did anything to promote the room or encourage poker in the casino. They never ran a poker tournament. They simply didn't care about poker. Dumb!

Which now brings us up to the present day.

I had not entered the MGM Grand recently, up until my visit last week. I decided to take a stroll through the type of casino George Orwell warned us all about, motivated by an insatiable curiosity and my fascination for the darker side of humanity. Bucharest on a Monday night comes to mind.

First thing's first. If you "self park" I recommend getting a medical check-up first before attempting the trek. You'll end up on the backside of the casino, and be forced to walk through an endless maze of kitschy novelty shops, escalators, elevators, and lifeless movie memorabilia before you finally reach anything that resembles a casino. I made my visit on a slow Tuesday afternoon, so my walk (I'm told) wasn't as bad as during busier times. If you show up here and self park on a Saturday night or when there's a big event like a headliner playing or a championship boxing match, I seriously question your sanity. Either that, or you must have a hard case fetish for S and M.

The point is -- you walk endlessly from your car to the shopping area -- packed with tacky shops and overpriced restaurants pimping themselves out to the gawking tourists. The typical crowd in here reminds me of that famous Macintosh commercial where the zombies are all marching lock, stock, and barrel into hell, to the Pink Floyd tune, "We Don’t Need No Education." It's damn near comical, or sad, watching these lambs move towards the slaughter -- I don't know which.

You finally get to the casino area, but not before having to walk through the giant main lobby of the casino. But wait, it gets worse. Just when you thought you've arrived and want to check out the sportsbook, you have to walk through slot machine after slot machine after slot machine after slot machine, after slot machine, after slot machine after slot machine after slot machine, after slot machine, after slot machine after slot machine after slot machine, after slot machine, after slot machine after slot machine after slot machine, after slot machine, after slot machine after slot machine after slot machine, after slot machine, after slot machine after slot machine after slot machine, after slot machine, after slot machine after slot machine after slot machine, after slot machine.

Starting to get the picture?

There's a lot of table games inside too -- row after row of them. But, I finally had to ask someone where the sportsbook was, because this fucking place is too big and there are so many signs hanging everywhere that you can’t find your way around. Gee -- do you think the casino's intention is to MAKE IT CONFUSING for us? Naaaaah, they wouldn't do that to us, would they?

In fact, it IS designed that way. Just like walking into the "Lion's Mouth," once you're inside, you're trapped. There are no side doors that lead out to the parking lot. No "back way out." You walk into this corporate monstrosity and the deeper you walk into it, the further away from escape (and reality) you are. Like a tar pit. Like quicksand. Like Dante's Inferno or Conrad's Jungle. They constructed this hellhole to draw you in and make it as confusing as fucking possible for you to get out of here. Burn in hell, bastards! I'm not putting a quarter into your fucking slots!

Okay, now we are getting closer to the sportsbook. Finally.

I must say that before I started writing this review, I intended to be totally objective. Even though I despise everything associated with this establishment, I was fully prepared to give them a suitable rating based solely on the quality of their sportsbook. Well, wouldn't you know it -- the MGM came through in their typical fashion. Why confuse things? Let's make this review universally derogatory -- from the parking lot, to the organization, to the carpet fibers.

Maybe it's that my expectations here were too high. The MGM odds are listed just about everywhere -- over the Internet, in newspapers and major magazines. The MGM line is quoted frequently as "an authority" on sports. Accordingly, I was expecting something like the sportsbook at Caesars, the Las Vegas Hilton, the Mirage, or the Bellagio.

Man, was I disappointed.

This is not a sportsbook. It's a second-class sawdust joint. I've been in local sports bars that were better places for sports viewing (and I didn’t have to walk two miles to get there).

This hellhole that has the audacity to call itself a "sportsbook" (talk about false advertising!) has a bunch of tables scrunched inside the sportsbook area. The television screens are posted up so high that you might as well be looking up at the moon. There's a huge bar that dominates the entire room (the devil corporation thinking that they can get some run-over seating from the book and charge the dumb stiffs for drinks since there are not nearly enough seats for the viewers). The tote board is broke up into different sections -- which I found confusing. But maybe I was just so appalled at the entire experience of standing inside this abyss of humanity, that I lost all ability to think rationally.

Another thing: I entered the MGM at about 2 pm on a Tuesday afternoon. That's not a busy time for sports. However, with NBA and NHL games coming up that night (there was a full slate of games), I would expect at least one teller to be on duty (games start in two hours).

No sports teller.

Hmmmmm.

Let's see, this is supposedly one of Las Vegas' bigger sportsbooks, and there is not a single teller on duty TWO HOURS before the games start? That's right, MGM. Save the $8.50 an hour. Why pay some employee to sit there with his dick in his hands and read the newspaper? MGM shareholders, be proud.

The only positive thing I can say about this giant gorge of despair is that the Race Book is in a separate area. Seems the horseracing fans get their own private room -- with tellers! Living breathing human beings! Gasp! Meanwhile, the poor sportsbetters be damned. Perhaps the MGM Grand wants to keep the riff-raff horsebetters away from the main casino, so they are sequestered inside a separate area -- like a leper colony. I have no idea what the reasoning of this is -- who can figure out what's in the brain of a corporate casino executive? I can't.

If Howard Hughes was buried somewhere, I would piss on his grave. Never mind, respecting the dead. He "killed" this town years ago, or at the very least strangled the spirit of individuality. In the late 60's billionaire Hughes' ushered in a brand new era -- the corporate-ownership of casinos. The Mafia moved out and the bean counters moved in. What a terrible trade-off it turned out to be. Talk about a trade for the worse. The casinos have not been the same since Hughes, then later when all the big decisions started being made with an eye on Wall Street, instead of Main Street. Now, if you dare ask for a $5 comp to the coffee shop, some working stiff dressed in a $125 suit wants to see how many slot points you've accumulated. The objective is to rape you from the minute you walk in the door. And, if they don't get you to max out your credit card inside the casino, by God they will do everything they can to make sure you spend money on junk you don't need walking to and from your car in the shopping area.

The sad reality is -- the MGM Grand is here to stay. This is today's Las Vegas. The MGM Grand what every casino is going to look like ten years from now (and already is to a large extent). Once inside, you can't tell if you're inside a casino, or at Disneyland, or at the Mall of America. The strange thing is -- in a place often so crowded with so many people, I have never felt more lonely and been so depressed as to look around inside the MGM Grand and think this is the future of gambling.

God help us. God help us all.

ATMOSPHERE: D

COMFORT: D

TV SCREENS: F

STAFF: N/A (I talked to one employee -- a bored Security Guard)

COMMITTED TO SPORTS GAMBLING: F

OVERALL: F

 

 

 

MORE ON THE MGM: I received the following e-mail from my good friend, Keith L. Bronson, who used to run the Sahara Poker Room here in Las Vegas. Keith is now and executive at the Canterbury Downs Race Track (and Poker Room) near Minneapolis. Keith made some interesting observations in response to the MGM Grand review. I have posted his comments here with his permission.

 

Hi Nolan:

Could not agree more with you about the MGM. During one of my bouts of unemployment I interviewed for the MGM.

At the time the Luxor, MGM and Treasure Island were all going to open up. I was sure to get a job somewhere. So I wasn't too stressed out about it.

The MGM made all the employment applicants stand in a three hour line. Then, you were put in an auditorium and made to sing some silly song. I think it was "its a grand grand world." When you were fully humiliated you went to your interview.

My interview was with this 23-year old part-time bartender. He knew

nothing about the casino business nor poker. Nor could he judge

people.

The MGM at the time was looking for attitude above competence. They wanted happy self starting industrious employees. They were willing to sacrifice knowledge and competence for the sake of a good attitude. What they got were a bunch of sad scumbags. No one knew what they were doing. They were all incompetent morons. This led to stress and bad job performance. Then to unhappy surly employees.

The Venetian did about the same thing. I ended up playing "Bingo"

where we were supposed to ask our fellow interviewees questions on a bingo board and fill up a square to make a line. It was a stupid HR

game. I left in disgust.

I had wanted a floor Job. At the time I was the Night Shift manager at the Sahara and I wanted to move up in the industry. Floor Jobs had all been promised to friends of the Card Room Manager.

What they were going to do was unique in the industry. They were going to take pit floor people to give the poker floor people breaks. You would get three breaks an evening. Of course the pit people as a rule could not make a poker decision, nor did they know how to run the business. Nor would they know the customers. Also they were going to charge a higher rake than was currently normal.

The Poker room opened up. They got plenty of initial play. The

action was good because the local tightwads would not fade the higher rake. Within six months the room was closed. Everyone was looking for another job again.

The owner of the place was quite willing to screw anyone to make another dollar. He flat out did not pay a bunch of his construction workers.

He is a total piece of shit.

I do like the murals on the ceiling. The food is good if you get

comped. But Forget about gambling there. Unless you are part of a BJ team (card counters).

Best Wishes,

Keith

 

 

STILL MORE ON THE MGM: These comments came from Steve Parks:

 

Nolan,

 

Couldn't agree more on your MGM review, I hate the place.

 

Was in LV for Super Bowl last year, and searched with my buddies for a good "all incusive" type party so we could get the game, food, drinks, etc... without constantly having to dig.

To make a long story short, we chose MGM because of price vs. advertised features. We "thought" since it was the MGM, that they would put on a good spread, and treat people decent. Let me back up one small step to say this wasn't a low budget party, nor a very expensive one. We shelled out somewhere between $50

and $75 a piece which was supposed to include outstanding food, two rounds of drinks, tons of TV's, private seating (separate table $ chairs per group of 4). Anyway ...

 

The first inkling of disaster happened when we asked where the main room was. We were told - "Oh, they've moved you from the big room to a "more intimate venue". The more intimate venue turned out to be a small auditorium with one big TV flanked by two smaller ones. The smaller ones had no purpose, as you couldn't see anything on them unless you were in the first section. The seating was benches all the way across, with cafeteria style rectangular tables in front of the benches. Quite a difference from the pictures advertising private round tables with individual "wrap around" seats.

 

The food was cold, the "soft" pretzels were hard and stale, hot dogs

were cold and served on stale cold buns ... The "rounds" of drinks

were two drinks thrown on your table when you arrived. And they weren't very cold. The service sucked, and we totally felt like "numbers".

 

I'm sure you didn't need to read that, but even after 10 months it

leaves a bad taste in my mouth. We won't go back.