azrusty, i have thought of you from time to time over the last several months as as have seen my mother through simiiar stages while she was beng treated for small cell lung cancer. she too went through several chemo treatments (at my urging) even though she was 73 years old and barely five feet tall and a hundred pounds. i am her only child and she has no other family living, so i have been the one with her from getting the initial diagnosis through chemo and now in the final stages in the hospital. i am in the process of making arrangements to bring her best friend, a retired rn, here from florida in order that she may go home and be with someone she knows and trusts in her final weeks.
going through this process with my mother has been one of the biggest life-altering periods of my existence. it boggles my mind to think of doing the same thing except with my wife and soulmate as the patient. i'm not sure i can grasp the depth of your grief, i can only say that i have shared a good portion of it. i can honestly say that there is no despair or pain greater than watching someone you love so deeply suffer so much and be unable to do anything to make their suffering go away. simply put, it strips away any sense of control and forces you to stare at mortality in its grimmest form.
the last couple of weeks have been the tougest. mom has gotten dramatically worse fairly rapidly after electing to stop her chemo. a week ago i had to have ankle surgery because of some college era sports injuries compounded by old age, so i am dragging a cast on crutches back and forth daily to the hospital. every day, while laying therein her own continuous pain, mom asks how i am doing and whether i need to be going around so much on my crutches. every day when i hear her concern for me it nearly knocks me off my feet.
i hope the pain of this experience soon is overcome with the loving memories of your wife, and that you carry this experience forward in such a way so as to enhance the meaning of your own life from this point on. i tell you, it just about chokes me up right now sitting here late tonight writing these words. my heart goes out to you and yours. take care.
