After all of the lovey dovey stuff is said and done, in my life as a
bachelor, I have found the following:
You can pull 1 woman from a group of three, but you can't pull a woman from a group of 2, "What about my friend" or from 4 or more when the peer pressure and dissenting votes will overwhelm you.
If a woman smokes, she f*cks. If she dances well, she f*cks well. If she dances and smokes, you have hit the jackpot my son.
Women who let the polish peel off of their nails have poor vaginal hygiene. Go for unpainted or highly manicured.
If after you open the door and let her in the car, she reaches over to your side to unlock your door...you're in.
If she's drunk on wine, she'll go home with you that night. If she's drunk on hard liquor, she'll ask you to take her back to her
place If she's drunk on tequila, she'll take you to her home, where her husband/boyfriend still keeps his gun collection.
If she checks herself in the vanity mirror every time she gets in your car, she only cares about you as an accent piece for her current wardrobe. You will be gone by the next fashion issue of "In Style" magazine.
Strippers enjoy beer and sports, if you have an extra ticket to anything that involves bouncing or rapidly moving objects, take a stripper. (See #3and #4 above). (I also like bouncing and rapidly moving objects which is why I like strippers...)
Never date a woman who can't fit her ass into a pair of your jeans. You're friends, and even your dogs, will laugh at you and when she gets out of bed in the morning you will never forgive yourself.
If your "ex" gains massive amounts of weight, don't tell us "She looked better when...." Unless you have a photo, we will never believe you and it sounds very lame.
Barter is a form of payment; hence, we have all "paid for sex." The key is not to laugh out loud when she asks you if you have ever paid for sex.
If a woman "rolls" on "X", she will never f*ck you, she will stay over, she will walk around your house in your boxers and her bra, she will value your friendship, she will even call you at 1:00am to tell you she values your friendship, but she will never f*ck you. Don't get your hopes up, drop her now before you make a financial investment.
If you want to piss her off play Green Day in the car. Chicks hate Green Day.
A women's bathroom is a vast open Love Canal of hazardous chemical "beauty products" hidden in a Tijuana junk yard. Do not touch anything, and do not look too closely.
If a woman lights lots of candles when you get home, she will f*ck you and pretend she was too drunk to remember it the next morning.
Women like to pretend they know wine, They generally don't. You should always have 1 bottle each at home of a good red, white and champagne and 1 bottle each of a obscure red, white and champagne with an unpronounceable name and every pretty label. I guarantee you will never be asked to open any of
the good stuff, ever.
If you have no other glassware in your house always keep 2 clean wine glasses and 2 clean champagne flutes ready at any time.
bachelor, I have found the following:
You can pull 1 woman from a group of three, but you can't pull a woman from a group of 2, "What about my friend" or from 4 or more when the peer pressure and dissenting votes will overwhelm you.
If a woman smokes, she f*cks. If she dances well, she f*cks well. If she dances and smokes, you have hit the jackpot my son.
Women who let the polish peel off of their nails have poor vaginal hygiene. Go for unpainted or highly manicured.
If after you open the door and let her in the car, she reaches over to your side to unlock your door...you're in.
If she's drunk on wine, she'll go home with you that night. If she's drunk on hard liquor, she'll ask you to take her back to her
place If she's drunk on tequila, she'll take you to her home, where her husband/boyfriend still keeps his gun collection.
If she checks herself in the vanity mirror every time she gets in your car, she only cares about you as an accent piece for her current wardrobe. You will be gone by the next fashion issue of "In Style" magazine.
Strippers enjoy beer and sports, if you have an extra ticket to anything that involves bouncing or rapidly moving objects, take a stripper. (See #3and #4 above). (I also like bouncing and rapidly moving objects which is why I like strippers...)
Never date a woman who can't fit her ass into a pair of your jeans. You're friends, and even your dogs, will laugh at you and when she gets out of bed in the morning you will never forgive yourself.
If your "ex" gains massive amounts of weight, don't tell us "She looked better when...." Unless you have a photo, we will never believe you and it sounds very lame.
Barter is a form of payment; hence, we have all "paid for sex." The key is not to laugh out loud when she asks you if you have ever paid for sex.
If a woman "rolls" on "X", she will never f*ck you, she will stay over, she will walk around your house in your boxers and her bra, she will value your friendship, she will even call you at 1:00am to tell you she values your friendship, but she will never f*ck you. Don't get your hopes up, drop her now before you make a financial investment.
If you want to piss her off play Green Day in the car. Chicks hate Green Day.
A women's bathroom is a vast open Love Canal of hazardous chemical "beauty products" hidden in a Tijuana junk yard. Do not touch anything, and do not look too closely.
If a woman lights lots of candles when you get home, she will f*ck you and pretend she was too drunk to remember it the next morning.
Women like to pretend they know wine, They generally don't. You should always have 1 bottle each at home of a good red, white and champagne and 1 bottle each of a obscure red, white and champagne with an unpronounceable name and every pretty label. I guarantee you will never be asked to open any of
the good stuff, ever.
If you have no other glassware in your house always keep 2 clean wine glasses and 2 clean champagne flutes ready at any time.
