Blast From the Past!!!

[IntenseOperator]

Cow's Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and I really think
That the only thing stirring was the straw in my drink.
As I studied my numbers for the next day's football,
By the chimney a sweatsock hung alone on the wall.

A hooker named Vixen was asleep in my bed,
She'd danced in my pants until Stanley was dead.
When up on the roof I heard a loud noise,
I wondered was it a thief, or was it one of the boys?

So I went to the window and looked up towards the sky,
And what should I see, but this freakin' fat guy?
With a red suit and boots the went up to his knees,
I was boozed but I swear it was Dom Deluise.

He had a big sled bein' pulled by reindeer,
He called one of them Dancer, so I assumed he was queer.
As he crept 'cross my roof it became clear to me,
That son of a bitch planned to lift my TV!

Over his shoulder he had a big sack,
As he came down my chimney I planned my attack.
I patiently waited 'til the timing seemed ripe,
Then Whack! On the head, botta bing, with a pipe!

He fell to the floor with a groan and a thud,
I was kinda surprised that I didn't see blood.
Then, he rolled over and looked me in the eye,
When I seen who I whacked, I near started to cry.

Shit! Sorry Santa, will you be alright?
He just called me some names and said, "This ain't my night."
"I got lost outside Philly, ran over two nuns,
Comet's stopped up, Cupid has the runs."

"I've been workin' my ass off, really bustin' my hump.
Now I can't continue, feel the size of this lump!
I can't go on, so it's up to you now,
You gotta take over, gotta be Santa Cow."

I told him, "You're nuts! Find someone sober to ask!"
He just winked, as he took a long pull off his flask.
Then he made me an offer that I couldn't refuse.
He said, "Visit each house... except for the Jews."

So I grabbed his big sack and got into his suit,
Put my smokes in a pocket and a pint in a boot.
And then I took off, didn't wanna be late,
While old Nick spent the night hosin' my date.

Yeah, that night I was Santa, bringin' kids joy and bliss,
And if you don't believe me, hey, jingle this!
Since then I've with him, each year in the cold,
Riding shotgun with Santa, 'cause he's fat and he's old.

Yeah, I'm St. Nick's assistant, his number one guy,
So on this Christmas morning, don't you be surprised,
If you hear my drunk voice in between some loud moos,
"Merry Christmas to allayuz! Hey! Where's my booze?"


:clap:

 

[BahamaMama]

gotta throw this one in there too IO

THE TWELVE PLAYS FOR CHRISTMAS

On your first play for Christmas, Cow says if you want bucks, unload on the Oregon Ducks

On your second play for Christmas, Cow says if you want bucks, grab some NC State and unload on the Oregon Ducks

On your third play for Christmas, Cow says if you want bucks, go Beavers, grab some NC State and unload on the Oregon Ducks

On your fourth play for Christmas, Cow says if you want bucks, roll with Bowling Green, go Beavers, grab some NC State and unload on the Oregon Ducks

On your fifth play for Christmas, Cow says if you want bucks, Washington sucks! Roll with Bowling Green, go Beavers, grab some NC State and unload on the Oregon Ducks

On your sixth play for Christmas, Cow says if you want bucks, don't miss Southern Miss, Washington sucks! Roll with Bowling Green, go Beavers, grab some NC State and unload on the Oregon Ducks

On your seventh play for Christmas, Cow says if you want bucks, put some on the Panthers, don't miss Southern Miss, Washington sucks! Roll with Bowling Green, go Beavers, grab some NC State and unload on the Oregon Ducks

On your eighth play for Christmas, Cow says if you want bucks, fade the freakin' Gators, put some on the Panthers, don't miss Southern Miss, Washington sucks! Roll with Bowling Green, go Beavers, grab some NC State and unload on the Oregon Ducks

On your ninth play for Christmas, Cow says if you want bucks, Kansas State is worthy, fade the freakin' Gators, put some on the Panthers, don't miss Southern Miss, Washington sucks! Roll with Bowling Green, go Beavers, grab some NC State and unload on the Oregon Ducks

On your tenth play for Christmas, Cow says if you want bucks, insist on Mississippi, Kansas State is worthy, fade the freakin' Gators, put some on the Panthers, don't miss Southern Miss, Washington sucks! Roll with Bowling Green, go Beavers, grab some NC State and unload on the Oregon Ducks

On your eleventh play for Christmas, Cow says if you want bucks, choose to use the Trojans, insist on Mississippi, Kansas State is worthy, fade the freakin' Gators, put some on the Panthers, don't miss Southern Miss, Washington sucks! Roll with Bowling Green, go Beavers, grab some NC State and unload on the Oregon Ducks

On your twelfth play for Christmas, Cow says if you want bucks, don't bet Chokelahoma, choose to use the Trojans, insist on Mississippi, Kansas State is worthy, fade the freakin' Gators, put some on the Panthers, don't miss Southern Miss, Washington sucks! Roll with Bowling Green, go Beavers, grab some NC State and unload on the Oregon Ducks


Although, I suppose this is really a gag gift, I want you to know that I did handicap these games and I am playing each of them for a small amount (except, acourse, for the Oregon bet). Amazingly, the three previous times I posted these plays here at Jack's, they went 8-3-1, 8-4 and 7-4-1. That's 23-11-2 for those of you keeping score at home. Acourse, I've actually only given you 11 plays this year, because I still can't pull the trigger in the Sugar Bowl. I guess I'm holding out for 7 points. Anyway, these are for you, Griffin. And every other one of you guys and dolls! You're a classy bunch and it is an honor hangin' out with you. Happy Holidays to you all! Like, moo.

 

[Clem D]

Holy Shit now I see why people have asked if Im Cow.