Have you ever forgotten where you are at and.....
- Thread starter The Big Tease
- Start date
my dad let one off on an escalator, right smack dab in some ladys' face...she turned around with a twisted face and tried like hell to go down the up escalator..
it was in sears and roebuck :142lmao:
it was in sears and roebuck :142lmao:
- Dec 20, 2004
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This thread is hilarious :142lmao:
After a heavy night on the booze one night in Sydney, myself and a few of the lads decided to go up the sky tower. Now this thing is about 70 stories high and must have the smallest, most cramped and most importantly slowest elevator in the world. Obviously my insides wre churning from the booze and curry the night before so I knew I couldn't hold it in..... no thats a lie, I couldn't wait to let one off :grins: . This thing smells like a rotten egg disposal depot and there are only 10 people in the elevator which takes 4 minutes to get to the top. I thought one guy with his girlfriend was going to snap and kick the face off one of us as he couldn't tell who had done it as we were all in tears laughing. I did the same this summer on the Empire State's elevator, seriously funny stuff.
After a heavy night on the booze one night in Sydney, myself and a few of the lads decided to go up the sky tower. Now this thing is about 70 stories high and must have the smallest, most cramped and most importantly slowest elevator in the world. Obviously my insides wre churning from the booze and curry the night before so I knew I couldn't hold it in..... no thats a lie, I couldn't wait to let one off :grins: . This thing smells like a rotten egg disposal depot and there are only 10 people in the elevator which takes 4 minutes to get to the top. I thought one guy with his girlfriend was going to snap and kick the face off one of us as he couldn't tell who had done it as we were all in tears laughing. I did the same this summer on the Empire State's elevator, seriously funny stuff.
personally i love the child locks in the car cause when im going to let one rip as im driving i hit the lock so my wife cant get away from the stench. AS FOR THE FINGERING YOUR ASS TO CHECK, I HOPE YOU KEEP BABY WIPES, MAYBE DEPENDS WOULD HELP YOUR LEAK PROBLEM.
I work in the same building as my wife. When I feel a good one coming on I'll head on down to see her and leave a little love and get the hell out of there. She's mortified that someone will come in and think it was her........and of course she's pissed off. Childish I suppose but I just can't help myself.
The elevator surprise is awesome when you combine a little luck with good timing. I'm 28 and I keep waiting for farts to become unfunny. Just doesn't look like it's gonna happen. As long as I'm typing, I have a million of these, but I'll give one of my al-time favorites.
Myself, and my friends Ehren, Brandon, and Nona are on the way to the cubs game a few years ago. We were riding on the L. We were in the middle of the car where 2 seats face each other, they are not very roomy. Ehren and I are sitting next to each facing Brandon and Nona, who are married. I am across from Brandon and Ehren is directly across from Nona. These seats are put together so closely that we all had our feet up on the others' seats across from us. I hope I have layed out the design of these seats well enough. Well, none of us had been eating or drinking particularly healthy that particular day. Ehren normally is very potent, but he really had it working on this particular afternoon. The car is completely full and of course there is no air circulation. Ehren was looking quite uncomfortable .Anyway, all of a sudden, Nona blurts out "OH MY GOD" . Ehren had violated Chicago L train rule numero uno. I thought she was gonna throw up, I swear. It immediately hit me and I swear to this day, it's the worst I've ever smelt. It didn't even smell like a fart, it was more like raw sewage. That poor girl didn't know what hit her. And she took the full brunt of a weekend of beer and brats. Nobody else on the train said a word or even looked at Ehren, but they were all visibly shaken. It must've hung there for a good 90 seconds. I made sure everyone knew it was Ehren. As we were exiting the train, which I'm sure was welcomed by the others, ehren says to me,"It was so warm, I knew it was gonna be bad, but that was just awful." Fart stories always cheer me up. Let's try to keep this thread alive. Surely there is at least one good fart story out in MadJackLand everyday.
Myself, and my friends Ehren, Brandon, and Nona are on the way to the cubs game a few years ago. We were riding on the L. We were in the middle of the car where 2 seats face each other, they are not very roomy. Ehren and I are sitting next to each facing Brandon and Nona, who are married. I am across from Brandon and Ehren is directly across from Nona. These seats are put together so closely that we all had our feet up on the others' seats across from us. I hope I have layed out the design of these seats well enough. Well, none of us had been eating or drinking particularly healthy that particular day. Ehren normally is very potent, but he really had it working on this particular afternoon. The car is completely full and of course there is no air circulation. Ehren was looking quite uncomfortable .Anyway, all of a sudden, Nona blurts out "OH MY GOD" . Ehren had violated Chicago L train rule numero uno. I thought she was gonna throw up, I swear. It immediately hit me and I swear to this day, it's the worst I've ever smelt. It didn't even smell like a fart, it was more like raw sewage. That poor girl didn't know what hit her. And she took the full brunt of a weekend of beer and brats. Nobody else on the train said a word or even looked at Ehren, but they were all visibly shaken. It must've hung there for a good 90 seconds. I made sure everyone knew it was Ehren. As we were exiting the train, which I'm sure was welcomed by the others, ehren says to me,"It was so warm, I knew it was gonna be bad, but that was just awful." Fart stories always cheer me up. Let's try to keep this thread alive. Surely there is at least one good fart story out in MadJackLand everyday.
I was trying to stay out of this fart thread as I think that it is beneath me. But here goes.
I do remember a time that me and the wife were at the Grocery store. She was about 3 ft away from me as I was minding my own business looking for my favorite corn flakesl. Then I smelt the most awful stench that seemed to drift out of a blue cloud that surrounded me. As I fought through the fog flailing my arms around, I happened to glance over and my wife gave me one of them sideways glances that people do when they have just ripped a major.
All fart perpetrators know the sideways glance.
Its rights before you laugh your ass off.
Thanks for the memorys.
KOD
I do remember a time that me and the wife were at the Grocery store. She was about 3 ft away from me as I was minding my own business looking for my favorite corn flakesl. Then I smelt the most awful stench that seemed to drift out of a blue cloud that surrounded me. As I fought through the fog flailing my arms around, I happened to glance over and my wife gave me one of them sideways glances that people do when they have just ripped a major.
All fart perpetrators know the sideways glance.
Its rights before you laugh your ass off.
Thanks for the memorys.
KOD
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Back in 1985 I was interviewing for an entry-level job at a prestigious investment bank in Manhattan. I'd just come to live in the US and I was very young, and very nervous. Alot was riding on this interview. Anyway, I was waiting in the lobby to be shown upstairs when I let out a little "botty-burp".
Uh-oh, it felt a little substantial, my god, I need to investigate!! I asked the receptionist where the men's room was a scurried off quickly in that direction, especially since someone was coming to get me for my interview.
Upon further review, my worst fears were realized and I had crapped my pants!! Being a man of action, I leapt into action, and at great speed took off my shoes and pants, took my underwear off, flushed them down the toilet, wiped out as many Clingons as I could in a minute, got myself together, washed my hands and walked out of the mens room, calm and collected!!!
The lady took me to the interview room, I met with three different people for two hours (the whole time I kept sniffing the air a bit to see if I was giving off the wrong signals!!).
Well, it can't of been too bad since I actually got the job which led to my Green Card.
But, as an interview technique, I wouldn't recommend it.
Uh-oh, it felt a little substantial, my god, I need to investigate!! I asked the receptionist where the men's room was a scurried off quickly in that direction, especially since someone was coming to get me for my interview.
Upon further review, my worst fears were realized and I had crapped my pants!! Being a man of action, I leapt into action, and at great speed took off my shoes and pants, took my underwear off, flushed them down the toilet, wiped out as many Clingons as I could in a minute, got myself together, washed my hands and walked out of the mens room, calm and collected!!!
The lady took me to the interview room, I met with three different people for two hours (the whole time I kept sniffing the air a bit to see if I was giving off the wrong signals!!).
Well, it can't of been too bad since I actually got the job which led to my Green Card.
But, as an interview technique, I wouldn't recommend it.
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See I'm not the only one that craps my pants......
Now I do remember when I was a small child....about 6 years old. I was at a rec league football game, and the game had just ended. I had that urge to take a big one, and I kept telling mom that we needed to leave. She didnt feel it was too important and she kept talking with one of the other kids moms.......
Well, she gave me the keys to the car, and I sat there in incredible pain for about 5 minutes and I decided to let loose.......and the only thing I remember from that point is my mom getting in the car and immediately dry heaving.....
She told me that I needed to stick my ass out of the back window the entire ride home.....so here I am a 6 year old child, in white football pants, with about 2 pounds of poop lodged in, with my ass out the back window as my mom is driving me home......
Next time I told her we need to get going....she listened.
Now I do remember when I was a small child....about 6 years old. I was at a rec league football game, and the game had just ended. I had that urge to take a big one, and I kept telling mom that we needed to leave. She didnt feel it was too important and she kept talking with one of the other kids moms.......
Well, she gave me the keys to the car, and I sat there in incredible pain for about 5 minutes and I decided to let loose.......and the only thing I remember from that point is my mom getting in the car and immediately dry heaving.....
She told me that I needed to stick my ass out of the back window the entire ride home.....so here I am a 6 year old child, in white football pants, with about 2 pounds of poop lodged in, with my ass out the back window as my mom is driving me home......
Next time I told her we need to get going....she listened.
............................................................The Big Tease said:
Got to love a mom that lets you show your ass.
KOD
:moon:
My nephews love to tell this story about my brother......They were driving from Lima to Dayton to see his in-laws and he starting having stomach pains about 10 miles from the rest stop on I-75. When they finally get there, he's on a dead sprint to the mens room. He makes it in time only to find every stall occupied. As my nephews tell it, he is going up and down the row banging on doors begging people to hurry up.......Needless to say, they didn't hurry up quick enough and he ended up crapping himself. We talk and laugh about that story every time we get together......I guess shit stories never get old!!
Along those same lines......My wife and I ate at IHOP for lunch one afternoon. Afterwards, we had planned on going to Home Depot which was only about a mile or two away. Knowing me like she does, she says "I suppose you need to go home and take a crap before we go to Home Depot" (I prefer not to shit in public places if it can be avoided). I say no, I'm fine since we won't be in their that long. Well, of course we run into her brother and sister-in-law in the parking lot and stand out there and talk for about a half hour. Everything is still ok and we go in and are looking at paint. We pick out the color we want and take it up to the paint counter to get it mixed. I walk over to look at paint brushes and it just hits me....the absolute most intense stomach pain I've ever felt. I just stand ther hoping it goes away but of course it doesn't. We're near the front of the store and the mens room is clear in the back corner.......I'm thinking there's no way in hell I'm going to make it. I don't even say anything to my wife, I just start shuffling to the mens room. I'm trying to scrunch my ass cheeks together but I'm busting ass with every step that I take......I'm praying that no one gets behind me but of course that would be too easy. Every time someone would come out of an aisle and end up behind me I would have to stop and act like I'm looking at something until they get by me. I finally get within sight distance and I swear I'm undoing my belt and my pants wiith at least 50 feet to go. Fortunately, I made it but what a horrifying experience.
Along those same lines......My wife and I ate at IHOP for lunch one afternoon. Afterwards, we had planned on going to Home Depot which was only about a mile or two away. Knowing me like she does, she says "I suppose you need to go home and take a crap before we go to Home Depot" (I prefer not to shit in public places if it can be avoided). I say no, I'm fine since we won't be in their that long. Well, of course we run into her brother and sister-in-law in the parking lot and stand out there and talk for about a half hour. Everything is still ok and we go in and are looking at paint. We pick out the color we want and take it up to the paint counter to get it mixed. I walk over to look at paint brushes and it just hits me....the absolute most intense stomach pain I've ever felt. I just stand ther hoping it goes away but of course it doesn't. We're near the front of the store and the mens room is clear in the back corner.......I'm thinking there's no way in hell I'm going to make it. I don't even say anything to my wife, I just start shuffling to the mens room. I'm trying to scrunch my ass cheeks together but I'm busting ass with every step that I take......I'm praying that no one gets behind me but of course that would be too easy. Every time someone would come out of an aisle and end up behind me I would have to stop and act like I'm looking at something until they get by me. I finally get within sight distance and I swear I'm undoing my belt and my pants wiith at least 50 feet to go. Fortunately, I made it but what a horrifying experience.
BahamaMama said:
My fellow Madjackers. Your assistance is required as I have a problem.
As I read this thread I have come to learn that I am not normal. I have been married for over 8 years and have never farted once in front of my wife. How does one decide when it is time or ok to start farting in front of your spouse? I envy you all that have gone to the other side but in my past 8 years of marriage have never felt it was the right time to start. Did I miss my opportunity? :cursin:
Let me start by thanking everyone that posted in this thread. I dont want to sound like a whining B**ch but over the weekend I decided to play two 8 team parlays for Sh*ts and Giggles and missed each by one team. Needless to say each parlay paid FAT. I have not been able to get it off my mind all day at work and I have been pissed. I read this thread and started laughing my A$$ off in front of other co-workers. This could be one of the funniest threads I have ever read. Thanks again to all that have posted their stories it made my day much brighter. :clap:
SoCalYo.......yep, you blew it. The window of opportunity is very small and you have missed it. It must be done early and often. If you bust this out on her after eight years of marriage, she'll begin to wonder what else you've been hiding from her this whole time. I really don't think it's worth the risk at this point in your relationship.
ring true with anyone else?
ring true with anyone else?
I once had this girlfriend that I still miss, when she farted, I thought it was cute and funny. A couple years later, I was dating this other girl. When she farted in front of me once, I thought it was incredibly gross. This is the most accurate love tester I've ever come across. As far as me, I never fart in front of other women, except my Mom. It doesn't bother her as it's usually just in retaliation.
ring true with anyone else?
I once had this girlfriend that I still miss, when she farted, I thought it was cute and funny. A couple years later, I was dating this other girl. When she farted in front of me once, I thought it was incredibly gross. This is the most accurate love tester I've ever come across. As far as me, I never fart in front of other women, except my Mom. It doesn't bother her as it's usually just in retaliation.
White Shadow said:
There is just something about seeing that "Restroom" sign or the crapper itself that makes those gates just want to open that much faster. Been there before, and talk about a helpless feeling.
