This guy walks into a bar.............

[in2fitness]

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!" :mj14:

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

 

[vanbasten]

a guy walks into a bar and orders a hot dog.

he takes one bite out of it and asks the bartender if this is a gay bar?

bartender says "yes, how did you know?"

guys says, "because the hot dogs taste like sh*t"

 

[yyz]

Two blind guys walk into a bar. The guy behind them says, "That looks like it hurt", as he walked in through the door.



A spin on a joke from Maxim:


Q: What do you call a black guy serving drinks in a bar?



A: A bartender, you racist fukc!

 

[RAYMOND]

:mj07: your just stupid."----ScottAtlanta

 

[danmurphy jr]

2 old guys sitting in a bar, one Marine and a Paratrooper talking about their most painful experience in the big war.
Trooper says, at the Normandie invasion I jumped into a hedgerow full of barbed wire and it tore me up. My whole body had to be stitched back up.
The marine shudders and says, my second most painful experience came when the Japs took me prisoner and drove a railroad spike with a 6 foot chain into my left nut to keep me from escaping.
The trooper falls off the barstool in horror and says "Yikes, that hurts". What in hell was your most painful experience?
The Marine says, when I got to the end of the chain.
Sorry guys.

 

[vanbasten]

RAYMOND walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and says, "give me a beer please...and one for the road"

 

[vanbasten]

an englishman, an american and an irishman walk into a bar, and they all order a beer. beers arrive and there is a fly in every beer.

the englishman pushes the beer aside and says "that's revolting".

the american picks the fly out and starts drinking the beer.

the irshman pulls the fly out, put it on the bar and yells "SPIT IT OUT YA BASTARD!"

 

[IntenseOperator]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later,

a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through
the bar.The bartender goes into

the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

What's all the screaming about in there? he yells. "You're scaring my
customers!"

I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I

try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You
idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

 

[fatdaddycool]

A german, Russian, American, and a Mexican walk into a bar.

The german orders a round of beers for everyone, they all holler volst and chug the beers. The German grabs the empty, throws the bottle in the air and shoots it out of midair, the Russian asks him why and he says "In Germany we have so much beer we shoot it out of mid-air"
The Russian then orders vodka for everyone and they all drink it down after which the Russian grabs the bottle and throws it in the air and shoots it out of mid air. When the Mexican asks why the Russian responds "In Russia we have so much vodka we shoot it out of mid air"
The Mexican orders tequila they drink it down and the Mexican throws the bottle into mid air and shoots it out of mid air. The American asks why and he replies, "In Mexico we have so much tequila we shoot it out of mid air"
The American orders Jack Daniels, they all drink it down after which the American throws the bottle in the air and shoots the mexican.

Sorry, I apologize but funny.

 

[THE KOD]

van - that was a good one.


RAYMOND walks into a bar with two slabs of concrete.
One under each arm.

beantownjim is the bartender.

RAYMOND says ....give me a beer....

btj - sorry we don't serve blockheads.

RAYMOND screams and slams the concrete over beantownjims head.

Then RAYMOND says.... shine my shoes while your down there shineboy.

 

[IntenseOperator]

A german, Russian, American, and a Mexican walk into a bar.

The german orders a round of beers for everyone, they all holler volst and chug the beers. The German grabs the empty, throws the bottle in the air and shoots it out of midair, the Russian asks him why and he says "In Germany we have so much beer we shoot it out of mid-air"
The Russian then orders vodka for everyone and they all drink it down after which the Russian grabs the bottle and throws it in the air and shoots it out of mid air. When the Mexican asks why the Russian responds "In Russia we have so much vodka we shoot it out of mid air"
The Mexican orders tequila they drink it down and the Mexican throws the bottle into mid air and shoots it out of mid air. The American asks why and he replies, "In Mexico we have so much tequila we shoot it out of mid air"
The American orders Jack Daniels, they all drink it down after which the American throws the bottle in the air and shoots the mexican.

:mj07:

No apologies needed FD

 

[hogman14]

3 guys walk into a bar, the 4th one ducked. :mj07:

:wall:

 

[twofingers]

Sorry, mine was best.

What do I win?

 

[danmurphy jr]

Scientists at the JPL labs in Pasadena, California were pleased with the Cloning project of inserting an Albert Einstein brain into the body of a Michael Jordan.
Unfortunately, due to a lack of funding they turned the project over to US Government scientists in Washington who proceeded to insert a Michael Jordan brain into an Albert Einstein body. Currently, efforts to have the Clone chew gum and wind his watch simultaneously have proven unsuccessful

 

[pd1]

Guy comes home from the bars just drunker than hell. Wife proceeds to eat his ass out and finally asks him JUST HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU SPEND? Guy pulls a few ones out of his pocket, says I don't know $200 - $250. Wife says DO YOU REALIZE HOW LONG THAT WOULD HAVE LASTED ME. Guy says well lets think, you don't smoke, you don't drink, you don't gamble, you got all the pussy in the world, hell it ought to last forever.

 

[gardenweasel]

""""Two Poles were walking down the street when they spot a dog licking its balls....

One Pole looks at the other and says....

"Boy I wish I could do that!"......

The other Pole turns to his friend and says ....

" You`d better pet him first, he looks kind of mean".""""

 

[THE HITMAN]

A couple of Irish guys walk out of a bar.............................................No, really !!

 

[Taximike]

Guy goes into a bar and orders five shots of whiskey; the bartender says 'wow, whats the occasion'. Guy says 'first blowjob tonite'. Bartender says 'well all right, that is cause for celebration, and i'll even buy you a couple of shots myself'. Guy says 'gee thanks, but if the first five don't get the taste out of my mouth.............

 

[homedog]

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You
idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

:mj07: