(2005 TAX QUESTIONS) ANY ACCOUNTANTS

[beantownjim]

BOYS ITS TIME TO DO MY TAXES AND I AM LOOKING EVERYWHERE TO FIND TAX WRITE OFFS IF ANYBODY HAS SOME SUGGESTIONS PLEASE WRITE THEM DOWN.

JACK I HAVE GIVEN YOU AND YOUR FORUM A LOT OF HOURS THIS YEAR WOULD YOU MIND SENDING ME A W2 FORM FOR MY TIME. I WANT TO TELL THE IRS I AM A SPORTSWRITER AT THE MADJACKS FORUM.JACK I'M TELLING THE IRS I AMDE 58,000 DOLLARS WORKING FOR YOU IS THIS O.K. JACK.JACK IT WAS A BAD YEAR FOR BEANTOWNJIM AS MANY OF YOU ARE AWARE I RETIRED AT THE YOUNG AGE OF 41 AND MY INCOME IS LIMITED I NEED SOME KIND OF A JOB SO I AM SURE JACK WILL PUT ME ON HIS STAFF AS A WRITE OFF.

BOYS I AM THINKING OF WRITING OFF THESE ITEMS IF WE DO HAVE AN ACCOUNTANT IN THE FORUM ARE THESE LEGAL DEDUCTIONS.

SINCE I AM A SPORTSWRITER HERE AT MADJACKS CAN I WRITE OFF MY PHONE,CABLE,AND INTERNET ACCESS ON MY TAXES.ALSO I HAD TO WAIT FOR THE CABLE GUY ONE DAY IT WAS CLOSE TO 5 HOURS MY TIME IS WORTH AT LEAST 75 DOLLARS AN HOUR CAN I WRITE OFF THESE 5 HOURS I WAITED TO WRITE MY STORY.

BOYS GAS WENT UP A LOT OF MONEY AND ALL THE TRIPS I HAD TO MAKE THIS YEAR TO GO PAY MY LOCAL BOOKIE CAN I WRITE OFF MY GAS AND MILEAGE HELL I NEED DEDUCTIONS.

IS BEER CONSIDERED MEDICATION CAN I WRITE OFF MY BAR TAB AT THE IRISH SOCIAL CLUB I MUST HAVE SPENT AT LEAST 2500 THIS YEAR ON BEER AND FOOD AFTER A TOUGH LOSS I NEEDED SOME BEERS SO TO ME THIS WAS A MEDICAL DEDUCTION.IS THIS A WRITE OFF.

BOYS CAN I WRITE OFF SNOW REMOVAL ON MY PROPERTY WHEN THAT F-CKING RUSSIANS BLOWS HIS SNOW ON MY WALKWAY AND I HAVE TO SHOVEL IT TWICE CAN I TELL THE IRS I HAD TO HIRE SOMEBODY TO SHOVEL THE SNOW AND WRITE THIS OFF.

I AM GOING TO TELL THE IRS I HAVE ADOPTED SOME KIDS AND THAT I AM DOING SOME BABYSITTING FOR THEM WELL BEANTOWNJIM DO YOU HAVE NAMES FOR YOUR KIDS.YES I DO THE KIDS NAMES ARE (FLETCHER,RAYMOND,VINNIE) THEY ARE MENTALLY CHALLENGED AND I HAVE BEEN WORKING WITH THEM AND THERE SOCIAL WORKERS I TAKE THE BOYS ON FIELD TRIPS WE GO TO THE ZOO,CHUCKY CHEESES,I TAKE THEM TO THE RACE TRACK SO THEY CAN PAT THE HORSES IN BETWEEN RACES.I THINK ITS GOOD THAT I GET THE BOYS OUT OF THE INSTITUTION FOR SOME SOCIAL SKILLS.SO NOW THAT I HAVE MY THREE NUTS I MEAN MY THREE SONE FLETCHER,RAYMOND,AND VINNIE CAN I WRITE THEM OFF ON MY TAXES.

BOYS I NEED TAX WRITE OFFS PLEASE POST ANYTHING THAT MIGHT BE ACCEPTABLE AS DEDUCTIONS THIS IS NO JOKE.MY JEW ACCOUNTANT IS NEVER HELPING ME WITH WRITE OFFS I THINK THE F-CKING BUM IS AFFRAID THE IRS WILL CALL HIM IN FOR FRAUD IF DEDUCTS EVERYTHING I TELL HIM :fingerc:

 

[RAYMOND]

smoke a joint

 

[beantownjim]

BOYS I AM SERIOUS MY PHONE,INTERNET,AND CABLE BILL IS 145 DOLLARS A MONTH THAT IS A PRETTY GOOD DEDUCTION IF YOU CAN SWING IT.AH F-CK IT I AM GOING TO WRITE IT OFF ANYWAY.I NEED SOME HIDDEN WRITE OFFS THAT ARE NEW FOR THIS YEAR.

MY ACCOUNTANT SUCKS HE ONLY WRITES OFF WHAT I SAY HE DOESNT EVEN GIVE ME ANY NEW SUGGESTIONS IN OTHER WORDS HE ISNT HELPING ME HE JUST FILES WHAT I TELL HIM.HE DOESNT EVEN ASK ME QUESTIONS ABOUT POSSIBLE DEDUCTIONS THAT I MIGHT QUALIFY FOR.CAN I WRITE OFF GAMBLING LOSSES AND IF SO HOW MUCH I LOST A TON OF DOUGH THIS YEAR BUT I DONT THINK MY LOCAL BOOKIE WOULD BE TO HAPPY IF I PUT HIS NAME DOWN AS THE PAYEE.

 

[freelancc]

smoke a joint

medical deductions..
:iagree:

 

[RAYMOND]

are you on LSD

 

[beantownjim]

I LOVE MY LOVELY WIFE SHE REFUSES TO FILE UNDER A JOINT ACCOUNT SHE SAYS SHE DOESNT WANT TO GO TO LEAVENWORTH ON TAX EVASION.IMAGINE MY LOVELY WIFE THINKING I CHEAT ON MY TAXES HELL THEY DONT CALL ME (HONEST JIM) FOR NOTHING HUH BOYS :iagree:

HEY BLOCKHEAD DO YOU WRITE OFF THE CEMENT YOU PUT ON THE DRIVEWAYS OR THE CEMENT YOU HAVE IN YOUR HEAD.RAYMOND YOU GOT A NICE RACKET GOING I'LL BET YOUR CUSTOMERS PAY YOU IN CASH THATS WHAT I NEED A TAX FREE BUSINESS.

 

[beantownjim]

I WAS JUST THINKING CAN I WRITE OFF CLOTHES.EVERYTIME I COME INTO MADJACKS FORUM TO POST I ALWAYS WEAR A NICE BRAND NEW 3 PIECE SUIT IT COST ME ABOUT $500 A SUIT I BUY THEM AT BROOKS BROTHERS SO I USE NOTHING BUT THE BEST FOR MADJACKS FORUM.

I WANT TO DEDUCT THE SUITS I WEAR TO POST AT MADJACKS IS THIS A LEGAL DEDUCTION FOR A SPORTSWRITER AFTER ALL I HAVE TO LOOK AND FEEL GOOD WHEN I POST.

LETS SEE I HAVE 20 SUITS AT 500 A POP THIS IS A NICE DEDUCTION.10,000 DOLLAR DEDUCTION FOR CLOTHES WOW I LIKE THIS.

JACK YOU DONT MIND IF I DEDUCT THE CLOTHES I WEAR TO WORK HERE AT MADJACKS DO YOU.

 

[BobbyBlueChip]

Jim,

Not my area of expertise, but I think that you need income before you can get write-offs. dogface ran into the same problem.

BobbyBlueChip
CPA

 

[The Boys]

Try some of these:

My son, my dog
Disc jockeys typically don't make much money and save even less. A few years ago, one approached Wyoming CPA Mike Lovelett for some free advice.

"I've got this problem, and I'm really starting to get nervous about it," the DJ admitted. "Several years ago, I was going to owe some tax, so I put an extra deduction on my tax return."

Well, reasoned Lovelett, managing director of Lovelett, Skogen & Assoc. in Casper, it couldn't be that bad. Then the DJ explained: "I put my dog on as a dependent." The radio personality had deducted his dog Red all these years, a move that meant he owed nothing to the IRS.

Sex and the city
Then there was the client who approached Manhattan CPA Marc Albaum about a very personal tax matter. "He had made some money being a sperm donor and wanted to know if he could take a depletion allowance," Albaum recalls. "I told him he really needed to be an oil well or something like that."

Playing with fire
Herb Wakeford, a CPA in Raleigh, N.C., recalls a Pittsburgh furniture-store owner who, after years of trying unsuccessfully to sell his business, hired an arsonist to torch the place. The insurance company paid off to the tune of $500,000, which the owner dutifully reported on his income tax return. However, along with taking the proper deductions for the building, its contents and the usual business expenses, he also deducted a $10,000 "consulting fee" he had paid the arsonist. An IRS audit two years later landed them both in jail. The IRS disallowed the "consulting fee" and slapped on $6,500 in additional taxes, penalties and interest.

What, not the Barcalounger?
Then there was the client who insisted on deducting the cost of his television and cable service against his accountant's advice. "His reasoning was that he was a Spanish teacher at school, and the only reason he bought the TV and had the cable was for the Spanish channels so he could be able to teach his students better," Howard recalls. "I told him, well now, not too many people out there can deduct the cost of their TV and cable, but if you can get away with it, knock yourself out."

Fun with livestock, part I
Back when the Society of Louisiana CPAs manned a tax hotline, few inquiries stumped them. But Al Suffrin, SLCPA's communications and public relations director, recalls one that did: "We took a call from an ostrich farmer in St. Tammany Parish who called in to find out how to go about depreciating an ostrich," he recalls. Strange as it sounds, you can depreciate an ostrich or any other livestock, as long as they're used for breeding.

Fun with livestock, part II
Which brings us to the tale of the crusty old Texas rancher who insisted upon accompanying his CPA, Raymond Lott of Lott, Vernon & Company of Killeen, to the rancher's first tax audit. When the rancher's tax depreciation schedule listed 15 or 20 animals as breeding stock, the no-nonsense young IRS agent challenged the old cowboy. "I presume you breed these animals?" she asked pointedly. Without hesitation, the rancher replied, "Nope," sending his CPA into mild tachycardia. After a sufficient pause, the rancher finished the popular Texas joke, "I've got a bull for that."

Go fish
There was a time when deductions were as plentiful as dinner mints. "Many years ago when I was a young clerk, a local CPA kept a very large glass bowl filled with receipts in his office," recalls Nancy Reynolds of Reynolds & Associates in Naples, Fla. "If a client came in and was a little shy of deductions, they merely dipped into the bowl and helped themselves to some of those glorious deductions."

Sic him, Fido
Sometimes deductions seem so logical they just have to be legal.

"I had a guy come in one time wanting to know if he could deduct the cost of his dog food. His reasoning was that his dog was security for his house, therefore the dog food became a security expense," Howard says.

"I kind of liked that one. The IRS loves that stuff."

He works in mysterious ways
And when all other loopholes seem closed, sometimes only a higher power can help.


One fine February, a rookie tax accountant completed a slam-dunk return for one of the firm's old and trusted clients and turned it in to his boss, relates Mary Anne Petesch, a CPA with Hagen Kurth Perman and Co. of Seattle. There followed several loud whoops of laughter from the partner's office.


It seems the client had accidentally lost his dentures when they fell in the toilet, and had claimed them on his taxes as an act-of-God casualty loss.

 

[beantownjim]

BOBBYBLUECHIP IF YOU READ MY POST I AM CLAIMING I WORK HERE AT MADJACKS FORUM AS JACKS SPORTSWRITER SO I HAVE SOME OFF THE BOOKS MONEY TO REPORT I JUST HAVE TO HOPE JACK WILL USE ME AS A DEDUCTION. :iagree:

I WILL BET THE PEOPLE IN THE WESTMINISTER DOG SHOW WRITE OFF THERE DOGS.HELL MY DOG BROWNIE GETS HIS HAIR CUT IT IS 50 DOLLARS WITH A 10 DOLLAR TIP I GET MY HAIR CUT IT IS 12 DOLLARS WITH A 2 DOLLAR TIP WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.

 

[vinnie]

IF YOU PAY THAT MONEY YOU LOST BETTING WITH FLETCHER TO ST JUDE'S KIDS THAT YOU STIFFED IT WOULD BE A WRITE OFF.

WOULD THE LAST AMERICAN LEAVING SOUTH BOSTON PLEASE GRAB THE FLAG :bsflag THE HAIRY GAY IRISH DRUG ADDICTS ARE COMING

 

[The Boys]

There's a lot of work Cutting your French Poodle:

 

[Agent 0659]

I AM GOING TO TELL THE IRS I HAVE ADOPTED SOME KIDS AND THAT I AM DOING SOME BABYSITTING FOR THEM WELL BEANTOWNJIM DO YOU HAVE NAMES FOR YOUR KIDS.YES I DO THE KIDS NAMES ARE (FLETCHER,RAYMOND,VINNIE) THEY ARE MENTALLY CHALLENGED AND I HAVE BEEN WORKING WITH THEM AND THERE SOCIAL WORKERS I TAKE THE BOYS ON FIELD TRIPS WE GO TO THE ZOO,CHUCKY CHEESES,I TAKE THEM TO THE RACE TRACK SO THEY CAN PAT THE HORSES IN BETWEEN RACES.:

:mj07: :mj07: :mj07: :mj07: :mj07:

 

[vinnie]

I GRIN WHEN I WIN

 

[beantownjane]

I LOVE MY LOVELY WIFE SHE REFUSES TO FILE UNDER A JOINT ACCOUNT SHE SAYS SHE DOESNT WANT TO GO TO LEAVENWORTH ON TAX EVASION.IMAGINE MY LOVELY WIFE THINKING I CHEAT ON MY TAXES HELL THEY DONT CALL ME (HONEST JIM) FOR NOTHING HUH BOYS :iagree:

IT'S NOT THE TAX EVASION I'M WORRIED ABOUT IT'S THAT I'M EMBARASSED TO ADMIT I'M MARRIED TO SUCH A BIG DUMB ANIMAL. WHAT WOULD THE GIRLS DOWN AT MY BRIDGE CLUB THINK JAMES I TOLD THEM YOU DIED TRYING TO KILL THAT SQUIRREL YEARS AGO.