Love Chuck Norris, but these are hilarious. All Apologies in advance to the Man himself!
Here is link if you don't want to read them all. Posted first two pages of it!
http://www.****norrisfacts.com/index.php
change the **** to that favorite four letter word begins with an F ends in a K.
Chuck Norris sucks dick for cab fare and then walks home.
Chuck Norris' semen cures cancer. Too bad he has AIDS.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He passes out after two wine coolers.
The chief import of Chuck Norris is ****.
Chuck Norris shampoos with conditioner, and then actually repeats.
Chuck Norris masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once became popular for no apparent reason whatsoever.
A Chinaman once told Chuck Norris that his penis was small during a karate tournament.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris' most lethal art is face painting
Chuck Norris tried to round-house kick me in the face once, but he?s really old, so I moved out of the way and he fell to the ground and just kind of laid there.
Chuck Norris has yet to find the G-spot. Scientists find it perplexing that Chuck Norris doesn't know his way around his vagina.
Chuck Norris was born Chuck Stevens but took his wife's name when they were married.
Chuck Norris once had sex with a man, not because he was gay, but because he had run out of women. When he let the man cum in his mouth, that was because he was gay.
Chuck Norris always insists that he's joking when he sniggers in his camp voice, "I'm going outside to have a fag, and then I'm going to have a cigarette." But we all know he's not joking.
It is no happy coincidence that Chuck Norris and LaToya Jackson have never appeared in public together.
Richard Simmons once told Chuck Norris to quit acting like such a fag.
When asked what his favorite movie was, Chuck Norris replied, ?The Notebook. No, no, no, wait I?m just kidding! It's Garden State.?
When Chuck Norris jumps in a pond, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the water gets terrified.
If you say "Chuck Norris" into a mirror ten times on Friday the 13th, Chuck Norris will show up behind you with an axe. Then he'll try to sell you the axe to support his various substance addictions.
Chuck Norris's favorite Mario Kart character is Princess Peach. Princess Peach's favorite "Walker, Texas Ranger" character is Jimmy Trivette.
Although Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is extremely effective, he has two right feet and can therefore only use it if his enemy is on his right. Stand on his left and Chuck Norris is as dangerous as Barney the Dinosaur's yellow friend.
Chuck Norris has to employ a legion of Mexican landscapers to suppress the wilderness that is his back.
In preparation for his future role as a gay cowboy, a young Jake Gyllenhaal spent a year as Chuck Norris' understudy on the set of "Walker, Texas Ranger."
Chuck Norris was the studio's original choice to play the lead role in the movie, "Boys Don't Cry." Hilary Swank replaced him because test audiences found him to be gayer than 9 guys blowing 8 guys.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may not realize how much he's actually aged.
Chuck Norris attempted to count to infinity. Backwards. He didn't know where to start.
Chuck Norris is currently suing ABC, claiming Hope & Faith are trademarked names for his left and right breasts.
Chuck Norris' mom was in labor for three more days following his birth: one for his ego, one for his intelligence, and one for his talent. The latter two were stillborns from lack of oxygen. Only Chuck Norris' ego survived.
Michael J. Fox didn't have the heart to tell Chuck Norris that his acting in "Walker, Texas Ranger" was forgettable, so he just told the world that he had Parkinson's.
Chuck Norris has no friends on MySpace. Not even Tom.
Chuck Norris once fought Vin Diesel...and got absolutely ****ed up.
Chuck Norris goes to bars and slips roofies into his own dirty martinis in hopes of getting picked up.
As a child, Chuck Norris was often caught spooning with other ginger kids during nap time.
When they asked Chuck Norris to be in Brokeback Mountain 2 he simply said "How many sex scenes?"
Chuck Norris' farts are silent and deadly. Deadly because of their potency, silent because his butthole is extremely loose.
When Chuck Norris uses Verizon Wireless, you can't hear him now.
Chuck Norris once burned his lips on the tailpipe of a car while trying to blow it up for a movie.
Chuck Norris folds pocket aces pre-flop.
Chuck Norris is the only person whom the Axe Effect Deodorant Spray will not work on.
Chuck Norris bet on Poland in both World Wars.
A shepherd once accidentally spilled his coffee on Chuck Norris' lap and refused to apologize. Chuck Norris went to the man's field and ****ed every one of his sheep. Chuck Norris wasn't trying to get back at him; he just loves to **** sheep.
If you yell "Chuck Norris" into the Grand Canyon, it echoes back "is a pussy."
Chuck Norris will fight you any time of the day. Except when "The View" is on.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he looks in his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck's ass is still sore from the last time he was found.
During World War II Chuck Norris once tried killing a Nazi soldier by pointing his finger at him and yelling "Bang!"
Many stuntmen who have worked with Chuck Norris complain on set that Chuck Norris makes far too many so-called jokes about "exchanging blows."
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting because hunting implies that you might kill something. Chuck Norris goes bird watching.
Chuck Norris came up with the idea for his look after many years studying the Brawny paper towel man.
Chuck Norris has 2 speeds. Hard and harder. He uses these when making love to other men.
The leading causes of death in the United States are heart disease, cancer, and AIDS. Chuck Norris has all three.
Chuck Norris doesn?t go hunting. He goes fly fishing in a wading pool wearing a Tilley hat.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck to ballet practice.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. He runs inside to his quilt at the first sign of a chill.
Call 1-900-CHUCK-NORRIS for hot gay action and support a bankrupt has-been.
If Chuck Norris were gay, his name would be... oh wait.
Chuck Norris was once trapped in a paper bag for 3 days.
When Chuck Norris and Christy Brinkley make Total Gym commercials, Christy uses a higher setting. And spots him.
During his first night at college, Chuck Norris drank a beer and puked all over himself. Thus, the phrase "chucking" was born.
Chuck Norris proves that everything isn't "bigger in Texas."
Ray Charles once looked at Chuck Norris... and decided he'd rather never see again.
Chuck Norris and Michael Jackson have been known to recreate the hand-to-hand combat scenes in Star Wars using their penises as lightsabers.
Chuck Norris thinks that hot rod races are circle jerks. Accordingly, he shows up in drag.
Freddy Mercury wrote "Fat Bottomed Girls" after a passionate night with Chuck Norris.
The National Weather Service once mistakenly issued a Volcano Warning in response to Chuck Norris flushing his toilet.
Chuck Norris likes to get a good night's sleep... with as many men as possible.
Chuck Norris loves hemorrhoids. He calls them "speed bumps."
When Chuck Norris gets angry, he finds a revolving door and attempts to slam it shut. Inevitably, the door swings around and kicks his ass.
Chuck Norris once decided to donate sperm, but Heath Ledger refused to take it.
Chuck Norris once lost to Lance Armstrong in a sperm count.
Chuck Norris? farts smell like Vaseline.
Chuck Norris has never ridden a bull as hard as he has ridden a ****.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris learned the roundhouse kick not from Bruce Lee, but by jumping up and twirling around in vain, attempting to unwedge his panties from his ass.
Chuck Norris punctuates all his roundhouse kicks with a period. The bloody kind.
Chuck Norris thinks Hooters is an exclusive hangout for people with huge pick-up trucks.
There are indeed horses hung like Chuck Norris. These horses die alone.
Chuck Norris' back is so hairy that even Persian women are turned off. But the men love it.
Chuck Norris' burps smell like semen.
Chuck Norris once tried to get with Reese Witherspoon. She considered him "Legally Small Penised."
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins. Chuck Norris was pissed off because you can't have sex with 25 gold coins.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Too bad his penchant for $800 platinum **** rings prevents him from being able to afford to pay the tariffs.
In Pacman, Chuck Norris does not lose lives; they simply go on coffee breaks.
Chuck Norris really DOES know the meaning of "Just Say No," because he just says no all the time... to women.
Chuck Norris cries himself to sleep every night, then wakes up to the sounds of his own cries.
Chuck Norris once took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
One time, while watching gay porn, Chuck Norris swallowed his remote control because he thought it would feel good on the way out.
Chuck Norris was disowned by his father when it was discovered Chuck Norris could do the splits before learning to walk.
As a teen, Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later, the nuns gave birth to the 1976 Buccaneers, the worst team in NFL history, finishing their season 0-14 and losing by an average of 20 points per game. They were also shut out five times that season.
Here is link if you don't want to read them all. Posted first two pages of it!
http://www.****norrisfacts.com/index.php
change the **** to that favorite four letter word begins with an F ends in a K.
Chuck Norris sucks dick for cab fare and then walks home.
Chuck Norris' semen cures cancer. Too bad he has AIDS.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He passes out after two wine coolers.
The chief import of Chuck Norris is ****.
Chuck Norris shampoos with conditioner, and then actually repeats.
Chuck Norris masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once became popular for no apparent reason whatsoever.
A Chinaman once told Chuck Norris that his penis was small during a karate tournament.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris' most lethal art is face painting
Chuck Norris tried to round-house kick me in the face once, but he?s really old, so I moved out of the way and he fell to the ground and just kind of laid there.
Chuck Norris has yet to find the G-spot. Scientists find it perplexing that Chuck Norris doesn't know his way around his vagina.
Chuck Norris was born Chuck Stevens but took his wife's name when they were married.
Chuck Norris once had sex with a man, not because he was gay, but because he had run out of women. When he let the man cum in his mouth, that was because he was gay.
Chuck Norris always insists that he's joking when he sniggers in his camp voice, "I'm going outside to have a fag, and then I'm going to have a cigarette." But we all know he's not joking.
It is no happy coincidence that Chuck Norris and LaToya Jackson have never appeared in public together.
Richard Simmons once told Chuck Norris to quit acting like such a fag.
When asked what his favorite movie was, Chuck Norris replied, ?The Notebook. No, no, no, wait I?m just kidding! It's Garden State.?
When Chuck Norris jumps in a pond, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the water gets terrified.
If you say "Chuck Norris" into a mirror ten times on Friday the 13th, Chuck Norris will show up behind you with an axe. Then he'll try to sell you the axe to support his various substance addictions.
Chuck Norris's favorite Mario Kart character is Princess Peach. Princess Peach's favorite "Walker, Texas Ranger" character is Jimmy Trivette.
Although Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is extremely effective, he has two right feet and can therefore only use it if his enemy is on his right. Stand on his left and Chuck Norris is as dangerous as Barney the Dinosaur's yellow friend.
Chuck Norris has to employ a legion of Mexican landscapers to suppress the wilderness that is his back.
In preparation for his future role as a gay cowboy, a young Jake Gyllenhaal spent a year as Chuck Norris' understudy on the set of "Walker, Texas Ranger."
Chuck Norris was the studio's original choice to play the lead role in the movie, "Boys Don't Cry." Hilary Swank replaced him because test audiences found him to be gayer than 9 guys blowing 8 guys.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may not realize how much he's actually aged.
Chuck Norris attempted to count to infinity. Backwards. He didn't know where to start.
Chuck Norris is currently suing ABC, claiming Hope & Faith are trademarked names for his left and right breasts.
Chuck Norris' mom was in labor for three more days following his birth: one for his ego, one for his intelligence, and one for his talent. The latter two were stillborns from lack of oxygen. Only Chuck Norris' ego survived.
Michael J. Fox didn't have the heart to tell Chuck Norris that his acting in "Walker, Texas Ranger" was forgettable, so he just told the world that he had Parkinson's.
Chuck Norris has no friends on MySpace. Not even Tom.
Chuck Norris once fought Vin Diesel...and got absolutely ****ed up.
Chuck Norris goes to bars and slips roofies into his own dirty martinis in hopes of getting picked up.
As a child, Chuck Norris was often caught spooning with other ginger kids during nap time.
When they asked Chuck Norris to be in Brokeback Mountain 2 he simply said "How many sex scenes?"
Chuck Norris' farts are silent and deadly. Deadly because of their potency, silent because his butthole is extremely loose.
When Chuck Norris uses Verizon Wireless, you can't hear him now.
Chuck Norris once burned his lips on the tailpipe of a car while trying to blow it up for a movie.
Chuck Norris folds pocket aces pre-flop.
Chuck Norris is the only person whom the Axe Effect Deodorant Spray will not work on.
Chuck Norris bet on Poland in both World Wars.
A shepherd once accidentally spilled his coffee on Chuck Norris' lap and refused to apologize. Chuck Norris went to the man's field and ****ed every one of his sheep. Chuck Norris wasn't trying to get back at him; he just loves to **** sheep.
If you yell "Chuck Norris" into the Grand Canyon, it echoes back "is a pussy."
Chuck Norris will fight you any time of the day. Except when "The View" is on.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he looks in his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck's ass is still sore from the last time he was found.
During World War II Chuck Norris once tried killing a Nazi soldier by pointing his finger at him and yelling "Bang!"
Many stuntmen who have worked with Chuck Norris complain on set that Chuck Norris makes far too many so-called jokes about "exchanging blows."
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting because hunting implies that you might kill something. Chuck Norris goes bird watching.
Chuck Norris came up with the idea for his look after many years studying the Brawny paper towel man.
Chuck Norris has 2 speeds. Hard and harder. He uses these when making love to other men.
The leading causes of death in the United States are heart disease, cancer, and AIDS. Chuck Norris has all three.
Chuck Norris doesn?t go hunting. He goes fly fishing in a wading pool wearing a Tilley hat.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck to ballet practice.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. He runs inside to his quilt at the first sign of a chill.
Call 1-900-CHUCK-NORRIS for hot gay action and support a bankrupt has-been.
If Chuck Norris were gay, his name would be... oh wait.
Chuck Norris was once trapped in a paper bag for 3 days.
When Chuck Norris and Christy Brinkley make Total Gym commercials, Christy uses a higher setting. And spots him.
During his first night at college, Chuck Norris drank a beer and puked all over himself. Thus, the phrase "chucking" was born.
Chuck Norris proves that everything isn't "bigger in Texas."
Ray Charles once looked at Chuck Norris... and decided he'd rather never see again.
Chuck Norris and Michael Jackson have been known to recreate the hand-to-hand combat scenes in Star Wars using their penises as lightsabers.
Chuck Norris thinks that hot rod races are circle jerks. Accordingly, he shows up in drag.
Freddy Mercury wrote "Fat Bottomed Girls" after a passionate night with Chuck Norris.
The National Weather Service once mistakenly issued a Volcano Warning in response to Chuck Norris flushing his toilet.
Chuck Norris likes to get a good night's sleep... with as many men as possible.
Chuck Norris loves hemorrhoids. He calls them "speed bumps."
When Chuck Norris gets angry, he finds a revolving door and attempts to slam it shut. Inevitably, the door swings around and kicks his ass.
Chuck Norris once decided to donate sperm, but Heath Ledger refused to take it.
Chuck Norris once lost to Lance Armstrong in a sperm count.
Chuck Norris? farts smell like Vaseline.
Chuck Norris has never ridden a bull as hard as he has ridden a ****.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris learned the roundhouse kick not from Bruce Lee, but by jumping up and twirling around in vain, attempting to unwedge his panties from his ass.
Chuck Norris punctuates all his roundhouse kicks with a period. The bloody kind.
Chuck Norris thinks Hooters is an exclusive hangout for people with huge pick-up trucks.
There are indeed horses hung like Chuck Norris. These horses die alone.
Chuck Norris' back is so hairy that even Persian women are turned off. But the men love it.
Chuck Norris' burps smell like semen.
Chuck Norris once tried to get with Reese Witherspoon. She considered him "Legally Small Penised."
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins. Chuck Norris was pissed off because you can't have sex with 25 gold coins.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Too bad his penchant for $800 platinum **** rings prevents him from being able to afford to pay the tariffs.
In Pacman, Chuck Norris does not lose lives; they simply go on coffee breaks.
Chuck Norris really DOES know the meaning of "Just Say No," because he just says no all the time... to women.
Chuck Norris cries himself to sleep every night, then wakes up to the sounds of his own cries.
Chuck Norris once took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
One time, while watching gay porn, Chuck Norris swallowed his remote control because he thought it would feel good on the way out.
Chuck Norris was disowned by his father when it was discovered Chuck Norris could do the splits before learning to walk.
As a teen, Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later, the nuns gave birth to the 1976 Buccaneers, the worst team in NFL history, finishing their season 0-14 and losing by an average of 20 points per game. They were also shut out five times that season.
