Armstrong found with banned substances...
Le Monde reported this morning that Lance Armstrong may be stripped of his sixth Tour de France title. In a random check for banned substances, three were found in Lance Armstrong's hotel room that are banned by the French:
toothpaste, deodorant, and soap
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: Lost in Translation
----- signs that "got misdirected" in the translation
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest Zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATS: IF YOU WANT TO CONDITION OF COOL AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.
In a Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMER WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the grounds of private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a city restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai,Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
Hotel brochure,Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel lobby,Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE
REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel el! evator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT
PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgia Man's Pants Explode
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
A Georgia man's experience only goes to prove what most people take
as common sense: Don't try to mix dangerous chemicals in your pants.
According to newspaper reports, three Walker County social workers
were visiting Daniel Gabriel Doyle, 39, of LaFayette, last Tuesday. As
he sat in their car filling out paperwork, his pants exploded.
"He kept fiddling with his front right pants pocket," Patrick
Stanfield, commander of the Lookout Mountain Judicial Circuit Drug Task Force,
told the Walker County Messenger. "All of a sudden, a loud bang
happened, and fire shot from his pocket. It damaged the inside of the
state vehicle and burned clothing on the case workers."
Apparently, Doyle had combined red phosphorus (search) and iodine
(search), two chemicals used to make methamphetamine, in a film
canister. He then stuck the canister in his ! pocket when the social
workers showed up.
"He didn't know what he was doing, and it started boiling on his leg,"
Stanfield said.
The reaction of the two chemicals heats up to about 278 degrees
Fahrenheit before exploding, according to the Messenger.
"The state might have to destroy the vehicle," Stanfield said. "The car
is contaminated now."
Sheriff's deputies found a meth lab on the premises and arrested
Tammy Conley, 29, as well as Doyle, according to the Atlanta Journal-
Constitution.
The case workers were treated for minor injuries in LaFayette. Doyle
was taken to Erlanger Medical Center (search) in nearby Chattanooga,
Tenn., with second- and third-degree burns to his testicles and leg.
By Friday he was in the Walker County Jail, charged with manufacture
and possession of methamphetamine.
"That was one for the books," Walker County sheriff's Maj. Hill
Morrison told the Journal-Constitution.! "I've been in this business for more
than 35 years, and that's a first."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
(This is hilarious, no wonder some people were offended!)
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) Staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:
"To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
"To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
"To complain about what we do - Press 3
"To swear at staff members - Press 4
"To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you
- Press 5
"If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
"If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
"To request another teacher for the third time this year- Press 8
"To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
"To complain about school lunches - Press 0
"If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort! : Hang up and have a nice day!"
If you can read this thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English thank a veteran.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Le Monde reported this morning that Lance Armstrong may be stripped of his sixth Tour de France title. In a random check for banned substances, three were found in Lance Armstrong's hotel room that are banned by the French:
toothpaste, deodorant, and soap
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: Lost in Translation
----- signs that "got misdirected" in the translation
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest Zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATS: IF YOU WANT TO CONDITION OF COOL AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.
In a Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMER WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the grounds of private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a city restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai,Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
Hotel brochure,Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel lobby,Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE
REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel el! evator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT
PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgia Man's Pants Explode
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
A Georgia man's experience only goes to prove what most people take
as common sense: Don't try to mix dangerous chemicals in your pants.
According to newspaper reports, three Walker County social workers
were visiting Daniel Gabriel Doyle, 39, of LaFayette, last Tuesday. As
he sat in their car filling out paperwork, his pants exploded.
"He kept fiddling with his front right pants pocket," Patrick
Stanfield, commander of the Lookout Mountain Judicial Circuit Drug Task Force,
told the Walker County Messenger. "All of a sudden, a loud bang
happened, and fire shot from his pocket. It damaged the inside of the
state vehicle and burned clothing on the case workers."
Apparently, Doyle had combined red phosphorus (search) and iodine
(search), two chemicals used to make methamphetamine, in a film
canister. He then stuck the canister in his ! pocket when the social
workers showed up.
"He didn't know what he was doing, and it started boiling on his leg,"
Stanfield said.
The reaction of the two chemicals heats up to about 278 degrees
Fahrenheit before exploding, according to the Messenger.
"The state might have to destroy the vehicle," Stanfield said. "The car
is contaminated now."
Sheriff's deputies found a meth lab on the premises and arrested
Tammy Conley, 29, as well as Doyle, according to the Atlanta Journal-
Constitution.
The case workers were treated for minor injuries in LaFayette. Doyle
was taken to Erlanger Medical Center (search) in nearby Chattanooga,
Tenn., with second- and third-degree burns to his testicles and leg.
By Friday he was in the Walker County Jail, charged with manufacture
and possession of methamphetamine.
"That was one for the books," Walker County sheriff's Maj. Hill
Morrison told the Journal-Constitution.! "I've been in this business for more
than 35 years, and that's a first."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
(This is hilarious, no wonder some people were offended!)
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) Staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:
"To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
"To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
"To complain about what we do - Press 3
"To swear at staff members - Press 4
"To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you
- Press 5
"If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
"If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
"To request another teacher for the third time this year- Press 8
"To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
"To complain about school lunches - Press 0
"If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort! : Hang up and have a nice day!"
If you can read this thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English thank a veteran.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
