NFL teams should hire psychics, and why, why, why are you punting?!
By Gregg Easterbrook
((Dec. 9, 2003) -- On Saturday, the Heisman Trophy winner will be announced, and it's sure to be exciting. Just bear this in mind: If John Heisman were alive today, there's no way he would be considered for his own award.
John Heisman played offensive tackle at Brown and the University of Pennsylvania. In 1892, he became the coach at Oberlin College, later coaching at Washington and Jefferson, Auburn, Georgia Tech and other schools. When Heisman was around, there were no football factories that compare with today's. Yet his career had a small-school flavor, which means the modern Heisman would ignore him. And the real strike against John Heisman -- other than that he made money in the offseason by working as a Shakespearean actor -- is that he was an offensive lineman.
Though the Heisman supposedly goes to "the outstanding college football player in the United States," this claim is a fiction. Sixty-two of the 68 winners have been quarterbacks or running backs, though these positions account for a mere 14 percent of the gentlemen on the field. No offensive lineman or linebacker has ever won; just one defensive linemen and one defensive back have won. Stated another way, only three percent of Heisman winners have not been quarterbacks, running backs or wide receivers. Leon Hart, a defensive end, was the sole non-glory-boy to hear his name called for the Heisman, and that was in 1949 -- more than half a century ago, at a time when Harry Truman was president and there were 48 states.
Tuesday Morning Quarterback thinks the name of the award should be changed to the Heisman Trophy for the Football Factory Offensive Backfield Player Who Receives Most Publicity.
Think you know of a small-school or non-glory-boy type who really was "the outstanding college football player in the United States?" See below, where you can submit his name.
In other NFL news, why do teams punt when they're way behind and the sole hope of pulling out victory is to take chances? In pro football, there are no Top-25 polls that reward holding down a margin of defeat -- better to lose big but go down gambling than to boom punts and lose "respectable." An L is an L is an L; gambling might turn an L into a W. Regularly in the fourth quarter of NFL games, Tuesday Morning Quarterback looks at the team trailing by significant margins and bellows, Why are you punting? See more below.
And in still other NFL news, why don't teams hire psychics? Then they'd know when the blitz was coming! See below.
Stats of the Week
Philadelphia and New England are on a combined 17-0 run.
Stats of the Week No. 2
Going into the Super Bowl, Oakland was on a 9-2 run; since then, it is on a 3-11 run.
Stats of the Week No. 3
There were almost twice as many punts (22) as points (12) in the Miami-New England game.
Stats of the Week No. 4
In the Denver-Kansas City game, there were 10 touchdowns, 54 first downs, 952 yards of offense and no turnovers.
Stats of the Week No. 5
Jersey/A has suffered six consecutive home defeats; in five, the Giants scored only one touchdown.
Stats of the Week No. 6
The Blue Men Group has lost five straight on the road.
Stats of the Week No. 7
Mike Vanderjagt has hit 37 consecutive field-goal attempts. Memo from the football gods: Miss one soon or you're bound to honk the big kick in the playoffs.
Stats of the Week No. 8
Bryan Barker of the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons boomed punts of nine and 16 yards.
Stats of the Week No. 9
In the Denver-Kansas City game, six consecutive possessions ended in scores.
Stats of the Week No. 10
Kansas City lost, and made the playoffs.
Cheerleader of the Week
Would you turn down an interview request from Amy?
This week's is Amy of Les Mouflons. According to her team bio, Amy, a student at the University of Missouri at Columbia, "enjoys making and wearing clothes that are different" -- different from what? Amy's goal is to become a news reporter, and the Missouri School of Journalism at Mizzou is one of the world's top journalism schools. Cheer-babes who are also journalists? This really must be the 21st century! Amy might make the ultimate investigative reporter. Traditional male subjects, at least, would have no chance of maintaining their train of thought when being grilled by her.
Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk
Trailing Jax 17-0 in the fourth quarter, the Houston Moo Cows faced fourth-and-10 on the Jacksonville 46. In trotted the punting unit. You're trailing by 17 points in the fourth quarter. You're in opposition territory. You're 5-7. Why are you punting? In pro football there's no Top-25 poll that rewards holding down the margin of defeat; better to lose big but go down gambling than to go down punting. Emboldened by Houston's mincing fraidy-cat play, Jax drove for the touchdown that made it 24-0, and TMQ wrote the words "game over" in his notebook.
Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk No. 2
Trailing Buffalo 17-6 with nine minutes remaining, Jersey/B faced fourth-and-8 on its 44-yard line. In trotted the punting unit. You're down 11 points well into the fourth quarter. You're almost at midfield. You're 5-7. Why are you punting?
Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk No. 3
Trailing San Diego 14-0 at the end of the third quarter, the Detroit Peugeots faced fourth-and-2 at their own 26. In trotted the punt unit. You're down by two touchdowns with one quarter remaining. There's only two yards to go. You're 4-8. Why are you punting?
Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk No. 4
Trailing New England 3-0 with nine minutes remaining, Miami faced fourth-and-3 on the New England 38. In trotted the punting unit. You're in opposition territory; you need only three yards for the first; there's only nine minutes to go and you have, technically speaking, no points. Why are you punting?
Two possession later, trailing New England 10-0 with seven minutes remaining, Miami faced fourth-and-1 on its own 36. In trotted the punting unit. You're down by two scores, there are seven minutes left, there's only a yard to go and you have, technically speaking, no points. Why are you punting?
TMQ's Advice: See Goal Line, Run Toward Goal Line
A week ago on Monday night, the Flaming Thumbtacks lost to Jersey/B in a game that was determined by a failed Tennessee four-snap goal-to-go series from the Jets' 3; Tennessee went rush, incompletion, incompletion, incompletion. Flash forward to Sunday at Nashville, where Tennessee reached first-and-goal at the Indianapolis 1, trailing by eight, with 2:18 remaining. What did the Flaming Thumbtacks do? Rush, incompletion, completion for the touchdown and then, on the deuce try to force overtime, incompletion. That's two losses in six days, both determined by goal-line wheeze-out. During the two critical goal-line series, Tennessee called two runs and six passes. The Titans went a cumulative one-of-six passing from point-blank goal-to-go range. Ye gods.
Sweet Play of the Week
Game tied at 3, the Eagles faced third-and-3 on the Cowboys 16. Three plays earlier, the call had been tailback screen right, 24-yard gain. Now there's no way it would be the same play again so soon, is there? Screen right to tailback Brian Westbrook, 16-yard touchdown reception.
Sweet Play of the Week No. 2
Game tied at 7 with 28 ticks left in the first half, the Saints lined up to punt on their own 38. Hardly any NFL teams mega-rush punts these days, seemingly to worry about the roughing call. But with 28 seconds in the half, why not? City of Tampa rushed nine. Block returned to the New Orleans 1. Touchdown to Warren Sapp with 17 ticks left, providing the margin of victory.
Two picks in about 60 seconds? That sneaky Aeneas!
Sweet Play of the Week (Defensive)
Leading 9-7, the Rams had the Browns facing first-and-10 on their own 42 with 1:13 remaining in the half. Corner Aeneas Williams, who had recorded a sack earlier, "walked up" as if to weakside blitz. A standard response to the corner blitz is a quick slant into the area the corner just vacated. Seeing the walk-up, Browns QB Kelly Holcomb appeared to check off to a quick slant. At the snap, instead of blitzing, Williams backpedaled into the quick slant zone -- where Holcomb threw the ball directly to him. Williams ran it in for a touchdown, and Les Mouflons never looked back.
Sour Play of the Week
Trailing 7-0 against the Chicago Daxiongmao, the Green Bay Packers had third-and-8 on their own 35. Brett Favre was hit, spun around and then, falling backward with a man in his face, delivered a cover-your-eyes floating heave-ho that was intercepted and returned for a touchdown. Brett, this was your 188th consecutive start. By now you should know it's better to take the sack than to launch a ridiculous heave-ho.
By Gregg Easterbrook
((Dec. 9, 2003) -- On Saturday, the Heisman Trophy winner will be announced, and it's sure to be exciting. Just bear this in mind: If John Heisman were alive today, there's no way he would be considered for his own award.
John Heisman played offensive tackle at Brown and the University of Pennsylvania. In 1892, he became the coach at Oberlin College, later coaching at Washington and Jefferson, Auburn, Georgia Tech and other schools. When Heisman was around, there were no football factories that compare with today's. Yet his career had a small-school flavor, which means the modern Heisman would ignore him. And the real strike against John Heisman -- other than that he made money in the offseason by working as a Shakespearean actor -- is that he was an offensive lineman.
Though the Heisman supposedly goes to "the outstanding college football player in the United States," this claim is a fiction. Sixty-two of the 68 winners have been quarterbacks or running backs, though these positions account for a mere 14 percent of the gentlemen on the field. No offensive lineman or linebacker has ever won; just one defensive linemen and one defensive back have won. Stated another way, only three percent of Heisman winners have not been quarterbacks, running backs or wide receivers. Leon Hart, a defensive end, was the sole non-glory-boy to hear his name called for the Heisman, and that was in 1949 -- more than half a century ago, at a time when Harry Truman was president and there were 48 states.
Tuesday Morning Quarterback thinks the name of the award should be changed to the Heisman Trophy for the Football Factory Offensive Backfield Player Who Receives Most Publicity.
Think you know of a small-school or non-glory-boy type who really was "the outstanding college football player in the United States?" See below, where you can submit his name.
In other NFL news, why do teams punt when they're way behind and the sole hope of pulling out victory is to take chances? In pro football, there are no Top-25 polls that reward holding down a margin of defeat -- better to lose big but go down gambling than to boom punts and lose "respectable." An L is an L is an L; gambling might turn an L into a W. Regularly in the fourth quarter of NFL games, Tuesday Morning Quarterback looks at the team trailing by significant margins and bellows, Why are you punting? See more below.
And in still other NFL news, why don't teams hire psychics? Then they'd know when the blitz was coming! See below.
Stats of the Week
Philadelphia and New England are on a combined 17-0 run.
Stats of the Week No. 2
Going into the Super Bowl, Oakland was on a 9-2 run; since then, it is on a 3-11 run.
Stats of the Week No. 3
There were almost twice as many punts (22) as points (12) in the Miami-New England game.
Stats of the Week No. 4
In the Denver-Kansas City game, there were 10 touchdowns, 54 first downs, 952 yards of offense and no turnovers.
Stats of the Week No. 5
Jersey/A has suffered six consecutive home defeats; in five, the Giants scored only one touchdown.
Stats of the Week No. 6
The Blue Men Group has lost five straight on the road.
Stats of the Week No. 7
Mike Vanderjagt has hit 37 consecutive field-goal attempts. Memo from the football gods: Miss one soon or you're bound to honk the big kick in the playoffs.
Stats of the Week No. 8
Bryan Barker of the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons boomed punts of nine and 16 yards.
Stats of the Week No. 9
In the Denver-Kansas City game, six consecutive possessions ended in scores.
Stats of the Week No. 10
Kansas City lost, and made the playoffs.
Cheerleader of the Week
Would you turn down an interview request from Amy?
This week's is Amy of Les Mouflons. According to her team bio, Amy, a student at the University of Missouri at Columbia, "enjoys making and wearing clothes that are different" -- different from what? Amy's goal is to become a news reporter, and the Missouri School of Journalism at Mizzou is one of the world's top journalism schools. Cheer-babes who are also journalists? This really must be the 21st century! Amy might make the ultimate investigative reporter. Traditional male subjects, at least, would have no chance of maintaining their train of thought when being grilled by her.
Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk
Trailing Jax 17-0 in the fourth quarter, the Houston Moo Cows faced fourth-and-10 on the Jacksonville 46. In trotted the punting unit. You're trailing by 17 points in the fourth quarter. You're in opposition territory. You're 5-7. Why are you punting? In pro football there's no Top-25 poll that rewards holding down the margin of defeat; better to lose big but go down gambling than to go down punting. Emboldened by Houston's mincing fraidy-cat play, Jax drove for the touchdown that made it 24-0, and TMQ wrote the words "game over" in his notebook.
Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk No. 2
Trailing Buffalo 17-6 with nine minutes remaining, Jersey/B faced fourth-and-8 on its 44-yard line. In trotted the punting unit. You're down 11 points well into the fourth quarter. You're almost at midfield. You're 5-7. Why are you punting?
Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk No. 3
Trailing San Diego 14-0 at the end of the third quarter, the Detroit Peugeots faced fourth-and-2 at their own 26. In trotted the punt unit. You're down by two touchdowns with one quarter remaining. There's only two yards to go. You're 4-8. Why are you punting?
Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkkk No. 4
Trailing New England 3-0 with nine minutes remaining, Miami faced fourth-and-3 on the New England 38. In trotted the punting unit. You're in opposition territory; you need only three yards for the first; there's only nine minutes to go and you have, technically speaking, no points. Why are you punting?
Two possession later, trailing New England 10-0 with seven minutes remaining, Miami faced fourth-and-1 on its own 36. In trotted the punting unit. You're down by two scores, there are seven minutes left, there's only a yard to go and you have, technically speaking, no points. Why are you punting?
TMQ's Advice: See Goal Line, Run Toward Goal Line
A week ago on Monday night, the Flaming Thumbtacks lost to Jersey/B in a game that was determined by a failed Tennessee four-snap goal-to-go series from the Jets' 3; Tennessee went rush, incompletion, incompletion, incompletion. Flash forward to Sunday at Nashville, where Tennessee reached first-and-goal at the Indianapolis 1, trailing by eight, with 2:18 remaining. What did the Flaming Thumbtacks do? Rush, incompletion, completion for the touchdown and then, on the deuce try to force overtime, incompletion. That's two losses in six days, both determined by goal-line wheeze-out. During the two critical goal-line series, Tennessee called two runs and six passes. The Titans went a cumulative one-of-six passing from point-blank goal-to-go range. Ye gods.
Sweet Play of the Week
Game tied at 3, the Eagles faced third-and-3 on the Cowboys 16. Three plays earlier, the call had been tailback screen right, 24-yard gain. Now there's no way it would be the same play again so soon, is there? Screen right to tailback Brian Westbrook, 16-yard touchdown reception.
Sweet Play of the Week No. 2
Game tied at 7 with 28 ticks left in the first half, the Saints lined up to punt on their own 38. Hardly any NFL teams mega-rush punts these days, seemingly to worry about the roughing call. But with 28 seconds in the half, why not? City of Tampa rushed nine. Block returned to the New Orleans 1. Touchdown to Warren Sapp with 17 ticks left, providing the margin of victory.
Two picks in about 60 seconds? That sneaky Aeneas!
Sweet Play of the Week (Defensive)
Leading 9-7, the Rams had the Browns facing first-and-10 on their own 42 with 1:13 remaining in the half. Corner Aeneas Williams, who had recorded a sack earlier, "walked up" as if to weakside blitz. A standard response to the corner blitz is a quick slant into the area the corner just vacated. Seeing the walk-up, Browns QB Kelly Holcomb appeared to check off to a quick slant. At the snap, instead of blitzing, Williams backpedaled into the quick slant zone -- where Holcomb threw the ball directly to him. Williams ran it in for a touchdown, and Les Mouflons never looked back.
Sour Play of the Week
Trailing 7-0 against the Chicago Daxiongmao, the Green Bay Packers had third-and-8 on their own 35. Brett Favre was hit, spun around and then, falling backward with a man in his face, delivered a cover-your-eyes floating heave-ho that was intercepted and returned for a touchdown. Brett, this was your 188th consecutive start. By now you should know it's better to take the sack than to launch a ridiculous heave-ho.
