Christmas Humor
- Thread starter Terryray
- Start date
Kids getting light sabres for Christmas do need adult supervision!
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Christmas Quotes
I once bought my kids batteries for Christmas with a note saying, toys not included. -Bernard Manning
I was so poor growing up, if I hadn?t been a boy I?d have had nothing to play with on Christmas Day. -Rodney Dangerfield
I saw a guy driving down Hollywood Boulevard with a tree on his bumper and I said: ?Getting ready for Christmas?? He said: ?No, teaching the wife how to drive.? -Bob Hope
At the office party you?re supposed to sit naked on top of the photocopier, not the shredder. -David Letterman
Roses are reddish, violets are bluish, if it wasn?t for Christmas, we?d all be Jewish. -Benny Hill
You can plot your life by the four stages of Santa Claus:
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don?t believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.
For truly last minute shoppers, here's the 7-11 Christmas tree trimmed with gift ideas;
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin' 'cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.
How to Make a Christmas tree out of beer bottles:
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/jp8jIPaX9BM&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&feature=player_embedded&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/jp8jIPaX9BM&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&feature=player_embedded&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
Video here of more details on making and filming this beer bottle tree.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtqjMKjfkXU
'Twas the Night before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas old Santa was pissed,
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind, to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear..
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money and the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is Pregnant Vixon has AIDS
Flying through the air, dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
The IRS, they sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes. If that aint damn funny..
Who the hell ever sent Santa any money?
And the kids these days, they all are the pits.
They want the impossible, those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds with no request for them
They want computers and Robots, they think I am IBM
If you think that is bad picture this..
Try holding those brats with their pants full of piss.
They pull on my nose, they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile, the parents think I'm weird
I quit this job, there is just no enjoyment
I'm going to sit on my fat ass and collect unemployment
There is NO Christmas this year Now you know the reason
I found me a blonde and heading SOUTH for the season....
Santa's First Drafts
deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa
P.S.
Tell your mom she got the part.
"Long Dong" Claus
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
most this material ripped from "Miss Cellania" website
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Christmas Quotes
I once bought my kids batteries for Christmas with a note saying, toys not included. -Bernard Manning
I was so poor growing up, if I hadn?t been a boy I?d have had nothing to play with on Christmas Day. -Rodney Dangerfield
I saw a guy driving down Hollywood Boulevard with a tree on his bumper and I said: ?Getting ready for Christmas?? He said: ?No, teaching the wife how to drive.? -Bob Hope
At the office party you?re supposed to sit naked on top of the photocopier, not the shredder. -David Letterman
Roses are reddish, violets are bluish, if it wasn?t for Christmas, we?d all be Jewish. -Benny Hill
You can plot your life by the four stages of Santa Claus:
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don?t believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.
For truly last minute shoppers, here's the 7-11 Christmas tree trimmed with gift ideas;
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin' 'cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.
How to Make a Christmas tree out of beer bottles:
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/jp8jIPaX9BM&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&feature=player_embedded&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/jp8jIPaX9BM&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&feature=player_embedded&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
Video here of more details on making and filming this beer bottle tree.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtqjMKjfkXU
'Twas the Night before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas old Santa was pissed,
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind, to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear..
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money and the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is Pregnant Vixon has AIDS
Flying through the air, dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
The IRS, they sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes. If that aint damn funny..
Who the hell ever sent Santa any money?
And the kids these days, they all are the pits.
They want the impossible, those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds with no request for them
They want computers and Robots, they think I am IBM
If you think that is bad picture this..
Try holding those brats with their pants full of piss.
They pull on my nose, they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile, the parents think I'm weird
I quit this job, there is just no enjoyment
I'm going to sit on my fat ass and collect unemployment
There is NO Christmas this year Now you know the reason
I found me a blonde and heading SOUTH for the season....
Santa's First Drafts
deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa
P.S.
Tell your mom she got the part.
"Long Dong" Claus
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
most this material ripped from "Miss Cellania" website
