Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge
fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there
when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer
with the game, and you're even around in the holidays
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're
stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best
interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led
to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your
review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that
communication is important, I question the suggestion
that any conversation of substance or necessity takes
place after 2 am. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they
do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone
all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and,
though cooking is far from my specialty, why you
suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along
with a big slice of cheese-filled-crust pizza and some
stale chips
washed down with chocolate Quik and topped off with a
Kit Kat all after a few Cheezels and fries) is beyond
me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far
this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me
that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I
see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to
fall down, it's completely unnecessary. The black and
blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the
next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never
take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key
into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it
can often clarify the last point below, but the
following costumes are banned from ever being
placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs,
sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down ups,
inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or
bras. Also, what is it with you making me take
pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm
sober, yet they suddenly become my best friends when a
flash is presented?
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from
somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request
that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know
that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal from
now
on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate
the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought
from becoming a statement, especially in public.
Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the
crooked teeth,
acned-up face, bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are
they so appealing to me while I'm with you and why are
they so disgusting to me the next morning after you
have worn off??
6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This
is getting ridiculous now. I know a little penance for
our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but
the 3 pm hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper
precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread
products, vegemite, diet coke, aspirin) prior to going
to
bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a
bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in
no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or
any day for that matter) activities. C'mon now, it's
only
fair - you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years
now and would like to ensure that we remain on good
terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the
provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money
in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I
ask that you carefully review my grievances above and
address them immediately. I will look for an answer no
later than Friday (5 pm) (pre-happy hour) on your
possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this
fruitful partnership.
Thank you, Your Biggest Fan
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge
fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there
when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer
with the game, and you're even around in the holidays
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're
stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best
interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led
to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your
review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that
communication is important, I question the suggestion
that any conversation of substance or necessity takes
place after 2 am. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they
do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone
all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and,
though cooking is far from my specialty, why you
suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along
with a big slice of cheese-filled-crust pizza and some
stale chips
washed down with chocolate Quik and topped off with a
Kit Kat all after a few Cheezels and fries) is beyond
me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far
this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me
that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I
see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to
fall down, it's completely unnecessary. The black and
blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the
next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never
take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key
into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it
can often clarify the last point below, but the
following costumes are banned from ever being
placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs,
sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down ups,
inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or
bras. Also, what is it with you making me take
pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm
sober, yet they suddenly become my best friends when a
flash is presented?
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from
somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request
that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know
that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal from
now
on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate
the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought
from becoming a statement, especially in public.
Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the
crooked teeth,
acned-up face, bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are
they so appealing to me while I'm with you and why are
they so disgusting to me the next morning after you
have worn off??
6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This
is getting ridiculous now. I know a little penance for
our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but
the 3 pm hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper
precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread
products, vegemite, diet coke, aspirin) prior to going
to
bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a
bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in
no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or
any day for that matter) activities. C'mon now, it's
only
fair - you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years
now and would like to ensure that we remain on good
terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the
provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money
in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I
ask that you carefully review my grievances above and
address them immediately. I will look for an answer no
later than Friday (5 pm) (pre-happy hour) on your
possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this
fruitful partnership.
Thank you, Your Biggest Fan
