Monday, April 23, 2007
Having a beer with the next President of the United States.
For the moment let's put away the polls, policy papers and commercials (including those cool maverick ones on YouTube) surrounding the 2008 Presidential contenders and focus solely on personality. If you were tasked to have some kind of social interaction--lunch, a drink, a party, whatever--with each of the serious 2008 candidates in both parties, what would you do?
It's a fair question. In large measure the question asks you to parse your perceptions of the candidates--whether or not those perceptions are accurate. If I had the task, here's what I'd do with who, why, and how I think it would turn out. Starting with Democrats, then moving on to Republicans:
Hillary. I have to say that I would really prefer not to go anywhere with Hillary Clinton at any time. I just don't think I'd like the lady very much. I'm sure she'd be very nice, contrite, and businesslike. Therefore, I'd pick lunch, in an upper-scale restaurant--not a black-tie type of thing, but some place with lunch specials like "roast pork loin with apple chutney and garlic smashed potatoes" and a waiter who scrapes bread crumbs off your tablecloth with a little metal scalpel between courses. I probably wouldn't even drink. I'd order a lemonade or something (it would probably be called "limonada" on the menu), but I'd order first and see if Hillary would order something alcoholic (she wouldn't). I'd eat, thank her politely and get the hell out of there.
Edwards. This is kind of a tough one, because, as the most "politician-y" of the Democrats, I'm not really sure who John Edwards is as a person. But, I'd take a gamble and probably go to a sports bar. You know, the kind of place with big screens around showing hockey games on ESPN, and glowing neon beer signs over the bar, and appetizers in the $10-$12 range. I'd probably order some kind of amber beer and maybe a plate of quesadillas or something. If the health care talk got boring I could catch a glimpse of the Sharks game.
Obama. This one's easy. Barack's a pub guy. It wouldn't matter what kind or which one. The guy smokes, and I could easily see him loosening his tie, rolling up his sleeves and draping his suit coat over the back of a bar stool before lighting a cigarette and ordering something like a Killian's Red. Of all the candidates I would expect to have the most interesting conversation with Obama, and probably the most fun. He easily seems like the kind of guy who you could sit down with, start talking, and then still be there 5 hours and several beers later.
Kucinich. OK, not a serious candidate, I know, but still. This would be another "get it over with as fast as possible" interview. I'd go to a fast food joint. Not a chain like McDonald's or BK, but one of those cheesy local-run joints with generic paper cups and soggy fries in those red and white cardboard dishes. I'd order onion rings and a Sprite and sit there listening to Dennis rant for a while. Then I'd thank him and leave. Whew. At least with Hillary the food was good.
Gore. Not a candidate, but he might be. I would definitely ask to have dinner at Gore's house. For one thing, I want to check out all the environmental gadgets he has, and I'm sure he's got some cool plates or photos or something on the wall from his time as vice-president. I would expect barbecued steak, or maybe homemade fajitas or something creative like that. I would definitely drink beer, probably Heineken. And I would wear an offensive death metal T-shirt with cursewords and butchered carcasses on it just to annoy Tipper. This wouldn't be as much fun as drinks with Obama, but I bet I'd learn a lot.
Giuliani. Where would you go to eat with "America's mayor?" Strangely I have no clue, but why am I thinking Chinese would be his style? Maybe one of those old family-run places in Hell's Kitchen, not a dive but not top of the line either. I'd probably feel comfortable enough with Rudy to order a beer with lunch (Tsingtao, of course). I speak a little Chinese, so I could order for us, but I'd get him something violently spicy--kung pao with double-extra chiles, of course--just to see how he'd deal with it. I think this would be a pretty pleasant lunch. Assume for the sake of argument that none of my interactions with the Republican candidates would end in arguments about Iraq (except maybe McCain).
Romney. As much as I'd love to take Romney to a seedy bar and watch his face as he orders a 7-Up (he's Mormon, remember), I'd probably suggest that maybe a family dinner party would be appropriate. The food would probably be very good, but not imaginative--maybe baked chicken and mashed potatoes--and we'd drink water or caffiene-free sodas (not from the can, of course--Waterford crystal glasses). I bet Mitt is pretty interesting in person so I would expect this one to go pretty well.
John "Bomb, Bomb, Iran" McCain. This is also pretty difficult because McCain is so all over the map. Ultimately I'd probably suggest a pretty safe but reasonably good restaurant--a chain, probably. Maybe Outback Steakhouse. I'd probably get red wine instead of beer and order something on the higher end of the menu. I do think I'd like McCain personally, but I just couldn't resist ribbing him about Iraq. After that, dinner probably wouldn't go well.
Gingrich. Not a candidate (yet), but again might be. Newt just strikes me as loony, but we do have something in common--we're both graduates of Tulane University. For that reason I'd suggest a quick beer at Der Rathskellar, the zero-atmosphere hell-hole in the basement of the Tulane student center. I'd order a Turbo Dog and he'd probably get one too. [For those of you not familiar with New Orleans culture, that's a beer, not a type of sausage]. I would ask Newt all kinds of off the wall questions, like what is he going to do about the alien bodies at Area 51, and if he's elected will he appoint Sheldan Nidle to his cabinet. This would basically be the Republican version of fast food with Kucinich.
Thompson. Not a candidate, again, but might be. Again, very easy. Down-home barbecue on the Tennessee ranch. I would want the whole nine yards--the picnic tables with the plastic checkered cloths, soggy paper plates, fried chicken, beer from a keg in red plastic cups, everything. I'd wear a T-shirt and mirrored sunglasses and maybe help Fred flip burgers on the grill. I'd ask him what it was like to work with Martin Scorsese on the set of Cape Fear. This would probably be a fun afternoon, but I'd probably try to leave before sundown because I hate mosquitoes
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