Down and out with the failed veeps
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
By Tony Norman, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
Deep in the bowels of Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul, a meeting of disgruntled Republican vice presidential also-rans is taking place. Scratching a growth of beard he hasn't shaved in the five days that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin has been John McCain's running mate, former Gov. Mitt Romney of Massachusetts stares into the abyss that was once his fast lane to the presidency.
He is not alone.
Exuding the anonymous blandness that ruled him out as the transformative figure the Republican presidential ticket desperately needed, Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty sighs. He glances at former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee fidgeting in front of the mini-refrigerator, as if deciding whether now is as good a time as any to go back to eating any old damn thing he pleases. Former Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Ridge is asleep on the sofa.
Leaning against a wall as if recently punched in the gut, former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina suppresses the tears pooling in the corners of her eyes. Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani flips the channels on the boardroom flat screen looking for updates on Hurricane Gustav and the truncated Republican National Convention.
"There's no doubt about it," Mitt Romney says. "We've all been terribly, brutally, outrageously used and cast aside by John McCain. All of us -- with the possible exception of Rudy -- had our names floated in the media as likely running mates in recent weeks."
"And not just us in this room," Pawlenty says. "Bobby Jindal was an early front-runner. Charlie Crist had to reverse himself on offshore drilling and give up his bachelor ways in Tallahassee just to be considered for the No. 2 slot. McCain yanked two of our proudest governors around like prize show hounds."
"Oh, grow up, Pawlenty," Rudy Giuliani says with a sneer. "That bum never promised any of us anything. He's arrogant enough to believe he doesn't need someone with, say, my executive experience and charisma making him look small."
"Spoken like a man whose entire campaign was sunk by Biden's 'a noun, a verb and 9/11' quip," Romney says. Everyone laughs except the former mayor.
Suddenly, there is a shriek from the end of the room. Tom Ridge wakes from his nap with a start. "I needed that job," Carly Fiorina says, crumpling a McCain-Palin campaign poster between two white-knuckled fists, "but he gave it to a less qualified woman. I could've brought disgruntled Hillary supporters on board, but he goes for someone who knows how to shoot, skin and fry moose burgers. I'm so humiliated."
"I needed that job," Mike Huckabee says, crumpling another McCain-Palin sign while chomping on premium lunch meat from the fridge. "As the evangelical right's most prominent political standard-bearer in the Republican primary, I don't think it's the Lord's will that a woman outranks me."
"I needed that job," Tim Pawlenty says, "so that people outside of Minnesota know just who the heck I am."
"Gee willikers, I needed that job," Mitt Romney says crumpling his flier and pounding the table with it. "I look like a president, I have a full head of hair and I understand economics better than any of you. If I weren't a Mormon, I'd be working on my acceptance speech right now."
"Look, I know I'm the last person to speak, given my Bernie Kerik problems," Giuliani says with uncharacteristic modesty, "but does anyone here believe for a second that John's people seriously vetted this woman? I mean, a pregnant teenage daughter? And c'mon -- he met Sarah once and talked to her a couple of times on the phone before picking her? Does he hate our guts that much?"
The door to the secluded board room opens and a crestfallen Sen. Joe Lieberman enters. "I gave up everything for that man," Lieberman says through tears. "I gave up my party, my dignity as a feisty independent and my future in Connecticut politics. I'm scheduled to speak at this cursed Republican convention while New Orleans drowns. I'll be Joe Loserman of 2000 all over again."
Tom Ridge hands him a handkerchief. He blows his nose ostentatiously. "I needed that job," Lieberman says, "but my so-called best friend gave it to a right-wing yenta whose lack of national experience makes Barack Obama look Lincolnesque."
Giuliani turns up the sound on the TV. President Bush addresses the convention delegates via satellite from Louisiana. "And let me just say John McCain has done a heckuva job picking Sarah Palin as his running mate. She even pronounces 'nookular' like someone who understands foreign policy. This is a winning ticket."
Tony Norman can be reached at tnorman@post-gazette.com or 412-263-1631.
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First published on September 2, 2008 at 12:00 am
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
By Tony Norman, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
Deep in the bowels of Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul, a meeting of disgruntled Republican vice presidential also-rans is taking place. Scratching a growth of beard he hasn't shaved in the five days that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin has been John McCain's running mate, former Gov. Mitt Romney of Massachusetts stares into the abyss that was once his fast lane to the presidency.
He is not alone.
Exuding the anonymous blandness that ruled him out as the transformative figure the Republican presidential ticket desperately needed, Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty sighs. He glances at former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee fidgeting in front of the mini-refrigerator, as if deciding whether now is as good a time as any to go back to eating any old damn thing he pleases. Former Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Ridge is asleep on the sofa.
Leaning against a wall as if recently punched in the gut, former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina suppresses the tears pooling in the corners of her eyes. Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani flips the channels on the boardroom flat screen looking for updates on Hurricane Gustav and the truncated Republican National Convention.
"There's no doubt about it," Mitt Romney says. "We've all been terribly, brutally, outrageously used and cast aside by John McCain. All of us -- with the possible exception of Rudy -- had our names floated in the media as likely running mates in recent weeks."
"And not just us in this room," Pawlenty says. "Bobby Jindal was an early front-runner. Charlie Crist had to reverse himself on offshore drilling and give up his bachelor ways in Tallahassee just to be considered for the No. 2 slot. McCain yanked two of our proudest governors around like prize show hounds."
"Oh, grow up, Pawlenty," Rudy Giuliani says with a sneer. "That bum never promised any of us anything. He's arrogant enough to believe he doesn't need someone with, say, my executive experience and charisma making him look small."
"Spoken like a man whose entire campaign was sunk by Biden's 'a noun, a verb and 9/11' quip," Romney says. Everyone laughs except the former mayor.
Suddenly, there is a shriek from the end of the room. Tom Ridge wakes from his nap with a start. "I needed that job," Carly Fiorina says, crumpling a McCain-Palin campaign poster between two white-knuckled fists, "but he gave it to a less qualified woman. I could've brought disgruntled Hillary supporters on board, but he goes for someone who knows how to shoot, skin and fry moose burgers. I'm so humiliated."
"I needed that job," Mike Huckabee says, crumpling another McCain-Palin sign while chomping on premium lunch meat from the fridge. "As the evangelical right's most prominent political standard-bearer in the Republican primary, I don't think it's the Lord's will that a woman outranks me."
"I needed that job," Tim Pawlenty says, "so that people outside of Minnesota know just who the heck I am."
"Gee willikers, I needed that job," Mitt Romney says crumpling his flier and pounding the table with it. "I look like a president, I have a full head of hair and I understand economics better than any of you. If I weren't a Mormon, I'd be working on my acceptance speech right now."
"Look, I know I'm the last person to speak, given my Bernie Kerik problems," Giuliani says with uncharacteristic modesty, "but does anyone here believe for a second that John's people seriously vetted this woman? I mean, a pregnant teenage daughter? And c'mon -- he met Sarah once and talked to her a couple of times on the phone before picking her? Does he hate our guts that much?"
The door to the secluded board room opens and a crestfallen Sen. Joe Lieberman enters. "I gave up everything for that man," Lieberman says through tears. "I gave up my party, my dignity as a feisty independent and my future in Connecticut politics. I'm scheduled to speak at this cursed Republican convention while New Orleans drowns. I'll be Joe Loserman of 2000 all over again."
Tom Ridge hands him a handkerchief. He blows his nose ostentatiously. "I needed that job," Lieberman says, "but my so-called best friend gave it to a right-wing yenta whose lack of national experience makes Barack Obama look Lincolnesque."
Giuliani turns up the sound on the TV. President Bush addresses the convention delegates via satellite from Louisiana. "And let me just say John McCain has done a heckuva job picking Sarah Palin as his running mate. She even pronounces 'nookular' like someone who understands foreign policy. This is a winning ticket."
Tony Norman can be reached at tnorman@post-gazette.com or 412-263-1631.
r
First published on September 2, 2008 at 12:00 am
