The game in Tampa on Tuesday has further clouded the Senators goaltending situation.
Ray Emery lost the game, but has been given the start in Ottawa's game Wednesday night against Florida because he looked solid against the Lightning.
The goaltending situation in Ottawa is very complex. There are many layers involved. This is not a black and white issue... or is it?
Nobody else wants to talk about the obvious differences between Gerber and Emery because it might not be politically correct to do so.
But seeing as I am the only member of the Ottawa media who is neither black nor white, I feel it is my duty to analyze these goalies in a fair and impartial way.
Gerber or Emery?
It appears that I am the only person qualified to answer that question. (Other than John Paddock, of course.)
Now usually when I'm faced with a dilemma like this, I make a list of pros and cons to debate the merits of what I'm deciding.
For instance, I'm interested in purchasing a deep fryer. Because my life is an open book, I'm willing to share my pros and cons list with you for purchasing a deep fryer for our home.
Pros:
- My family can enjoy deep fried treats in the comfort of our own home, regardless of the time of day. Zucchini sticks at 2 a.m.? Jalapeno poppers for breakfast? No Problem on either front with a deep fryer.
Cons:
- Health Canada has indicated that excess consumption of trans fat will lead to clogged arteries, heart failure and various other life-threatening health issues.
- Multiple studies have shown that little children are six times as likely to be burned by hot oil in a house that has a deep fryer.
Final Decision: Life is short - I will buy the deep fryer.
So now that you see how I make key decisions in life, let's do the pros and cons list for Gerber and Emery and see if we can figure who should be the starting goalie in Ottawa.
Gerber Pros:
1. He has a squeaky clean image away from the rink. I mean this guy is so wholesome, he wouldn't even be caught with a copy of Girls Gone Mild. (In case you're wondering, that's the DVD where plain-looking young women show off their collection of turtlenecks to the cameras).
2. Has a cool new internet nickname of Darth Gerber, thanks to his black mask. It would be awesome if he went to Luke Richardson (while breathing heavily) and said, "Luke, I'm your stopper."
Gerber Cons:
1. While he has the new nickname of Darth Gerber, back in Switzerland, he is still known as Tinu. I don't know what a Tinu is in Europe, but here in North America it sounds like a flash-in-the-pan toy that every toddler would want for Christmas. "Please Mom... I have to have a Tickle-Me-Tinu!!!
Emery Pros:
1. According to some observers, he doesn't give 100 per cent in practice. Why is this on the pro list you ask? Because if we in the media keep peppering Ray about his work ethic in practice, one of these days he's going to go nuts on someone and give us a good rant about practices, like Allen Iverson did a few years ago. And that will make good television, which is definitely a positive for me.
2. Has his own song on the internet, titled "His Name Is Emery," complete with a music video on YouTube. It was made by a die-hard fan, but the singing is so butchered and off-key, you wonder if Hootie and the Blowfish are behind it. Yet somehow, it's one of those catchy songs that sticks in your head.
Emery Cons:
1. Has been known to wear white suits after Labour Day. Major faux pas in the fashion world.
2. Injured himself throwing a baseball around this earlier season. I thought that was only supposed to happen to the top starters on the Blue Jays pitching staff.
So after compiling this list, I'm at a complete loss. They both have their strengths and weaknesses and it's too difficult to declare a No. 1 starter.
What's definitely clear is that the ultimate odd couple, Gerber and Emery, will be sharing net duties for the foreseeable future.
So if we can't decide who is the clear-cut starter, then at the very least, we need a nickname for this duo. Back in the day, the Winnipeg Jets had Pokey and The Bandit, when Pokey Reddick and Daniel Berthiaume split the net duties.
So here are my suggestions for nicknames for the duo:
- The Goaler Opposites (Since they have polar opposite personalities, I think this could work)
- Tinu And The Razor (A complete rip-off of Pokey and The Bandit. But it sounds more like two zany hosts of a morning radio show: "Mornings With Tinu And The Razor on Team 1200")
- Emery And Ivory (Admit it, this would be perfect. And we could create a new hit song for the internet, using Stevie Wonder's original ballad as inspiration.
"Emery And Ivory,
Playing together in perfect harmony,
Side by side with John Paddock..."
I'm sure someone will have a full version of "Emery and Ivory" available on the web soon, complete with a music video available for download. Seems like a can't-miss idea for someone who wants to make a quick buck.
Just remember to cut me a cheque for the royalties. Or at the very least, you can buy me a deep fryer.
----sportsnet.ca
Ray Emery lost the game, but has been given the start in Ottawa's game Wednesday night against Florida because he looked solid against the Lightning.
The goaltending situation in Ottawa is very complex. There are many layers involved. This is not a black and white issue... or is it?
Nobody else wants to talk about the obvious differences between Gerber and Emery because it might not be politically correct to do so.
But seeing as I am the only member of the Ottawa media who is neither black nor white, I feel it is my duty to analyze these goalies in a fair and impartial way.
Gerber or Emery?
It appears that I am the only person qualified to answer that question. (Other than John Paddock, of course.)
Now usually when I'm faced with a dilemma like this, I make a list of pros and cons to debate the merits of what I'm deciding.
For instance, I'm interested in purchasing a deep fryer. Because my life is an open book, I'm willing to share my pros and cons list with you for purchasing a deep fryer for our home.
Pros:
- My family can enjoy deep fried treats in the comfort of our own home, regardless of the time of day. Zucchini sticks at 2 a.m.? Jalapeno poppers for breakfast? No Problem on either front with a deep fryer.
Cons:
- Health Canada has indicated that excess consumption of trans fat will lead to clogged arteries, heart failure and various other life-threatening health issues.
- Multiple studies have shown that little children are six times as likely to be burned by hot oil in a house that has a deep fryer.
Final Decision: Life is short - I will buy the deep fryer.
So now that you see how I make key decisions in life, let's do the pros and cons list for Gerber and Emery and see if we can figure who should be the starting goalie in Ottawa.
Gerber Pros:
1. He has a squeaky clean image away from the rink. I mean this guy is so wholesome, he wouldn't even be caught with a copy of Girls Gone Mild. (In case you're wondering, that's the DVD where plain-looking young women show off their collection of turtlenecks to the cameras).
2. Has a cool new internet nickname of Darth Gerber, thanks to his black mask. It would be awesome if he went to Luke Richardson (while breathing heavily) and said, "Luke, I'm your stopper."
Gerber Cons:
1. While he has the new nickname of Darth Gerber, back in Switzerland, he is still known as Tinu. I don't know what a Tinu is in Europe, but here in North America it sounds like a flash-in-the-pan toy that every toddler would want for Christmas. "Please Mom... I have to have a Tickle-Me-Tinu!!!
Emery Pros:
1. According to some observers, he doesn't give 100 per cent in practice. Why is this on the pro list you ask? Because if we in the media keep peppering Ray about his work ethic in practice, one of these days he's going to go nuts on someone and give us a good rant about practices, like Allen Iverson did a few years ago. And that will make good television, which is definitely a positive for me.
2. Has his own song on the internet, titled "His Name Is Emery," complete with a music video on YouTube. It was made by a die-hard fan, but the singing is so butchered and off-key, you wonder if Hootie and the Blowfish are behind it. Yet somehow, it's one of those catchy songs that sticks in your head.
Emery Cons:
1. Has been known to wear white suits after Labour Day. Major faux pas in the fashion world.
2. Injured himself throwing a baseball around this earlier season. I thought that was only supposed to happen to the top starters on the Blue Jays pitching staff.
So after compiling this list, I'm at a complete loss. They both have their strengths and weaknesses and it's too difficult to declare a No. 1 starter.
What's definitely clear is that the ultimate odd couple, Gerber and Emery, will be sharing net duties for the foreseeable future.
So if we can't decide who is the clear-cut starter, then at the very least, we need a nickname for this duo. Back in the day, the Winnipeg Jets had Pokey and The Bandit, when Pokey Reddick and Daniel Berthiaume split the net duties.
So here are my suggestions for nicknames for the duo:
- The Goaler Opposites (Since they have polar opposite personalities, I think this could work)
- Tinu And The Razor (A complete rip-off of Pokey and The Bandit. But it sounds more like two zany hosts of a morning radio show: "Mornings With Tinu And The Razor on Team 1200")
- Emery And Ivory (Admit it, this would be perfect. And we could create a new hit song for the internet, using Stevie Wonder's original ballad as inspiration.
"Emery And Ivory,
Playing together in perfect harmony,
Side by side with John Paddock..."
I'm sure someone will have a full version of "Emery and Ivory" available on the web soon, complete with a music video available for download. Seems like a can't-miss idea for someone who wants to make a quick buck.
Just remember to cut me a cheque for the royalties. Or at the very least, you can buy me a deep fryer.
----sportsnet.ca
