Friday jokes...

[Dead Money]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.


The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"


The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."


The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that.

When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.

Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."


Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.


The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!
How does a glass of water do that?"




The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick . . . ."

 

[Dead Money]

Blond Joke

Blond Joke

Bowling for Blondes!

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus.
The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The Brunette asks, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says...
"Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

 

[Dead Money]

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich,they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now".

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied,"remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven" St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day.

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy"

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife."Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea" he asked.
."That's the best part" St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at." "Not unless you want to" was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or" ...

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

 

[william13]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.


The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"


The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."


The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that.

When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.

Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."


Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.


The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!
How does a glass of water do that?"




The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick . . . ."

gold

 

[buddy]

A ornery lion takes a stroll through the jungle, grabs a monkey by the throat and says, "Who's the king of the jungle?" Gasping for breath, the monkey says, "You are, lion. You're the king". Lion throws the monkey to the ground, puffs his chest and says, "Got that right!" Lion meanders a bit further, grabs a giraffe by the throat and says, "Who's the king of the jungle?" Fearing for his life, the giraffe says, "Oh, Lion! You're the king! Only you!" Lion releases his grasp and says, "And don't forget it, either!" Lion heads toward the plains, grabs an elephant by the trunk and says, "Who's the king of the jungle?" Elephant wraps his trunk around the lion in a death grip, tosses him to and fro, up and down, spins around like a discus thrower and hurls him fifty yards into a mud hole. Lion gets up and says, "Hey, don't have to get so angry just 'cause you don't know the answer."

 

[Dead Money]

Thanx Buddy

Thanx Buddy

Heres another..

A Man and Woman were married for 70+ years .

Arguments were quite common, yelling could be heard by neighbors, deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him, he was truly a disagreeable old cuss.

Then one evening, he suddenly died,he was 98.

After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife said, " Let him dig , I had him buried upside down . . . and I know he's too stubborn to ask for directions . "