College Football for Rednecks?????
Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
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Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
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What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
Drool.
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How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.
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How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
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Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."
The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
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What do you say to a Michigan State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "
"Will the defendant please rise."
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If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.
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How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girl friend?
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
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What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
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University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.
___________________________________________
How is the Kansas football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
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Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?
He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
___________________________________________
How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
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After his plane was hit by a bird and he was forced to eject, the RCAF fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.
He was in the hospital, in agonizing pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look,straight into his eyes, knowing he was a fighter pilot, spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, ?Can I feel your boobs, then?"
And that my friends is a POSITIVE ATTITUDE!
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THE PORCH PAINTER ...
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch. How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
****************************************
Snicker !!!!!!!!
Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
___________________________________________
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
___________________________________________
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
Drool.
___________________________________________
How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.
___________________________________________
How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
___________________________________________
Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."
The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
___________________________________________
What do you say to a Michigan State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "
"Will the defendant please rise."
___________________________________________
If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.
___________________________________________
How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girl friend?
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
___________________________________________
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
___________________________________________
University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.
___________________________________________
How is the Kansas football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
___________________________________________
Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?
He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
___________________________________________
How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
****************************************
After his plane was hit by a bird and he was forced to eject, the RCAF fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.
He was in the hospital, in agonizing pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look,straight into his eyes, knowing he was a fighter pilot, spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, ?Can I feel your boobs, then?"
And that my friends is a POSITIVE ATTITUDE!
****************************************
THE PORCH PAINTER ...
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch. How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
****************************************
Snicker !!!!!!!!
