I have to do one joke or one story about a retiring colleague. He is a math teacher and fairly heavey college fb bettor. Bets nothing else. I figure that one of you out there has something to help. Even if it is a story about a degenerate gambler I can tweak it for this guy. Appreciate anything.
i NEED A JOKE or STORY
- Thread starter ferdville
- Start date
A very confident, newly retired Executive walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art
watch? What's so special about it?" The Executive explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.... " The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The Executive smirks, taps his watch and
says, "Damn thing's an hour fast
"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art
watch? What's so special about it?" The Executive explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.... " The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The Executive smirks, taps his watch and
says, "Damn thing's an hour fast
What kind of tree does a math teacher climb?
Geometry !
What do you have to know to get top grades in geometry ?
All the angles !
What kind of pliers do you use in arithmetic?
Multipliers !
If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
One dollar.
You don't know your arithmetic.
You don't know my father !
Jackie stood quietly as her father examined her report card.
"What is this 45 in math?" asked her father.
"I think that's the size of the class," she said quickly!
If I had five coconuts and I gave you three, how many would I have left ?
I don't know.
Why not ?
In our school we do all our arithmetic in apples and oranges.
If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have ?
Big hands !
The teacher was giving her pupils a quiz on counting. Jackie got things started by counting from 1 to 10. "Now, Fred," said the teacher, "you take over, beginning with 11."
"11, 14, 23, 42, 26," said Fred.
"What kind of counting is that'?" asked the teacher
"Who's counting'?" replied Fred. "I'm calling signals."
If you got $10 from 10 people, what would you have ?
A new bike !
Why was the maths book unhappy
It had too many problems !
Teacher: If I gave you three rabbits today and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you have?
Jackie: Nine.
Teacher: That's not right, you'd have eight.
Jackie: No, Teacher, I'd have nine. I already have one rabbit at home!
If you add 3452 and 3096, then divide the answer by 4 and multiply by 6, what would you get?
The wrong answer !
Who invented fractions?
Henry the Eighth !
"Our teacher has a bad memory. For three days she asked us how much is two and two. We told her it was four. But she still doesn't know. Today she asked us again!"
Birds on the mountain,
Fish in the sea,
How you passed math
Is a mystery to me.
How are you doing in arithmetic ?
I've learned to add up the zeros, but the numbers are still giving me trouble.
What makes arithmetic hard work ?
All those numerals you have to carry.
Fred: I got 100 in school today.
Mother: Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?
Jason: Two things: I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History.
Mother: Well, at least you can add !
I got 100 in an arithmetic test and still didn't pass.
Why not, for goodness sake?
Because the answer was 200.
Why are misers good math teachers ?
They know how to make every penny count !
The teacher was reviewing counting with her first-grade class. "Jackie," she asked, "can you count to 10 without mistakes?"
"Yes," said Jackie, and she did.
"Now, Fred," said the teacher, "can you count from 10 to 20?"
"That depends," said Fred, "with or without mistakes"!
Teacher: Can you count to 10?
Jackie: Yes, teacher. (counting on her fingers at waist level) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Teacher: Good. Now can you count higher?
Jackie: Yes, teacher. (She puts her hands over her head and counts on her fingers.) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Teacher: Can you count to 10?
Fred: Yes, teacher-one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Teacher: Now go on from there.
Fred: Jack, Queen, King.
Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another there, how many eggs will there be?
Fred: None!
Fred (surprised): Why not?
Fred: Because you can't lay eggs!
TEACHER: Jackie, take 932 from 1,439. What is the difference?
Stella: That's what I say, what's the difference`?
Fred: I've added these figures ten times.
Teacher: Good work!
Fred: And here are my ten answers !
Why is a dog with a lame leg like adding 6 and 7s?
He puts down the three and carries the one.
Why is six afraid of seven ?
Because seven ate nine.
What animal is best at math ?
Rabbits, they multiply fastest !
My dog is great at math.
Really ?
Ask him how much is two minus two.
But two minus two is nothing!
That's what he'll answer, nothing!
Geometry !
What do you have to know to get top grades in geometry ?
All the angles !
What kind of pliers do you use in arithmetic?
Multipliers !
If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
One dollar.
You don't know your arithmetic.
You don't know my father !
Jackie stood quietly as her father examined her report card.
"What is this 45 in math?" asked her father.
"I think that's the size of the class," she said quickly!
If I had five coconuts and I gave you three, how many would I have left ?
I don't know.
Why not ?
In our school we do all our arithmetic in apples and oranges.
If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have ?
Big hands !
The teacher was giving her pupils a quiz on counting. Jackie got things started by counting from 1 to 10. "Now, Fred," said the teacher, "you take over, beginning with 11."
"11, 14, 23, 42, 26," said Fred.
"What kind of counting is that'?" asked the teacher
"Who's counting'?" replied Fred. "I'm calling signals."
If you got $10 from 10 people, what would you have ?
A new bike !
Why was the maths book unhappy
It had too many problems !
Teacher: If I gave you three rabbits today and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you have?
Jackie: Nine.
Teacher: That's not right, you'd have eight.
Jackie: No, Teacher, I'd have nine. I already have one rabbit at home!
If you add 3452 and 3096, then divide the answer by 4 and multiply by 6, what would you get?
The wrong answer !
Who invented fractions?
Henry the Eighth !
"Our teacher has a bad memory. For three days she asked us how much is two and two. We told her it was four. But she still doesn't know. Today she asked us again!"
Birds on the mountain,
Fish in the sea,
How you passed math
Is a mystery to me.
How are you doing in arithmetic ?
I've learned to add up the zeros, but the numbers are still giving me trouble.
What makes arithmetic hard work ?
All those numerals you have to carry.
Fred: I got 100 in school today.
Mother: Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?
Jason: Two things: I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History.
Mother: Well, at least you can add !
I got 100 in an arithmetic test and still didn't pass.
Why not, for goodness sake?
Because the answer was 200.
Why are misers good math teachers ?
They know how to make every penny count !
The teacher was reviewing counting with her first-grade class. "Jackie," she asked, "can you count to 10 without mistakes?"
"Yes," said Jackie, and she did.
"Now, Fred," said the teacher, "can you count from 10 to 20?"
"That depends," said Fred, "with or without mistakes"!
Teacher: Can you count to 10?
Jackie: Yes, teacher. (counting on her fingers at waist level) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Teacher: Good. Now can you count higher?
Jackie: Yes, teacher. (She puts her hands over her head and counts on her fingers.) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Teacher: Can you count to 10?
Fred: Yes, teacher-one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Teacher: Now go on from there.
Fred: Jack, Queen, King.
Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another there, how many eggs will there be?
Fred: None!
Fred (surprised): Why not?
Fred: Because you can't lay eggs!
TEACHER: Jackie, take 932 from 1,439. What is the difference?
Stella: That's what I say, what's the difference`?
Fred: I've added these figures ten times.
Teacher: Good work!
Fred: And here are my ten answers !
Why is a dog with a lame leg like adding 6 and 7s?
He puts down the three and carries the one.
Why is six afraid of seven ?
Because seven ate nine.
What animal is best at math ?
Rabbits, they multiply fastest !
My dog is great at math.
Really ?
Ask him how much is two minus two.
But two minus two is nothing!
That's what he'll answer, nothing!
I failed every subject except for algebra.
How did you keep from failing that ?
I didn't take algebra !
Teacher: Are you good at math ?
Pupil: Yes and no
Teacher: What do you mean ?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at math !
Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please ?
Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy !
Teacher: Did you parents help you with these homework problems ?
Pupil: No I got them all wrong by myself !
Teacher, I can't solve this problem.
Any five year old should be able to solve this one.
No wonder I can't do it then, I'm nearly ten !
Teacher: What's 2 and 2
Pupil: 4
Teacher: That's good
Pupil: Good ?, that's perfect !
Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4 ?
Pupil: That's not fair you answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one !
Teacher: How much is half of 8
Pupil: Up and down or across ?
Teacher: What do you mean ?
Pupil: Well,up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0
Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4 ?
Class: At once !
If there are ten cats in a boat and one jumps out, how many are left ?
None, they were all copycats !
TEACHER: If you had 36 cents in one pocket and 59 cents in the other pocket, what would you have?
PUPIL: Somebody else's pants.
TEACHER: How do you find the square root of 144?
PUPIL: I generally ask someone who's smarter than I am.
TEACHER: If you had two dimes and your brother gave you a nickel, how much money would you have?
PUPIL: Twenty cents.
TEACHER: You don't know your mathematics.
PUPIL: You don't know my brother.
TEACHER: Remember, class, you can't add apples and oranges.
PUPIL: My mother does it all the time. She calls it fruit cocktail.
TEACHER: If you have 5 people and only 4 apples, how would you divide
them?
PUPIL: I'd ask someone to go get a knife and whoever was stupid enough to go
wouldn't get an apple.
TEACHER: Let X equal the unknown quantity. Now, if X + 10 = 20, and X 5 = 5, what is X?
PUPIL: As far as I'm concerned, it's still the unknown quantity.
TEACHER: Can you count from 1 to 20?
PUPIL: I'm not sure. How about if I just count from 1 to 10 twice?
TEACHER: Today we're studying percentages. If there are ten questions on a quiz and you get ten correct, what do you get?
PUPIL: Accused of cheating.
What do you call an arithmetic teacher who can make numbers disappear?
A mathemagician.
How far open were the windows in the math class?
Just a fraction.
If you eat two thirds of a pie, what do you have left?
An angry mother.
How did the math teacher paint a picture?
By the numbers.
What did the math classroom have instead of desks?
Times tables.
Why did the multiplication table get in trouble with the girls?
He was a two timer.
What did the math teacher order for dinner?
Cubed steak.
What did the math teacher order for dessert?
Pi.
How does a mathematician plow his fields?
With a protractor.
How do you plow underground fields?
With a subtractor
What do you call it when geometry teachers use bad language?
Sphering (swearing).
What do geometry teachers have on their floors?
Area rugs.
Why couldn't the math student get any attention?
He didn't count.
Why was the math student so bad at decimals?
She couldn't get the point.
What do you call 144 cockroaches?
Gross.
How did the little kids like learning addition?
They thought it was a real plus.
If a train is travelling in one direction at 50 miles per hour and another train is coming towards it at 25 miles per hour, when will they meet?
Sooner than they want to.
What did the bee say when it solved the problem?
"Hive got it!"
Which member of royalty is best at math?
The Count.
What would you get if you crossed a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on .
How did the student get the answer to ten minus ten?
He zeroed in on it.
Why couldn't the seven and the ten get married?
They were under eighteen.
How did you keep from failing that ?
I didn't take algebra !
Teacher: Are you good at math ?
Pupil: Yes and no
Teacher: What do you mean ?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at math !
Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please ?
Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy !
Teacher: Did you parents help you with these homework problems ?
Pupil: No I got them all wrong by myself !
Teacher, I can't solve this problem.
Any five year old should be able to solve this one.
No wonder I can't do it then, I'm nearly ten !
Teacher: What's 2 and 2
Pupil: 4
Teacher: That's good
Pupil: Good ?, that's perfect !
Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4 ?
Pupil: That's not fair you answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one !
Teacher: How much is half of 8
Pupil: Up and down or across ?
Teacher: What do you mean ?
Pupil: Well,up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0
Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4 ?
Class: At once !
If there are ten cats in a boat and one jumps out, how many are left ?
None, they were all copycats !
TEACHER: If you had 36 cents in one pocket and 59 cents in the other pocket, what would you have?
PUPIL: Somebody else's pants.
TEACHER: How do you find the square root of 144?
PUPIL: I generally ask someone who's smarter than I am.
TEACHER: If you had two dimes and your brother gave you a nickel, how much money would you have?
PUPIL: Twenty cents.
TEACHER: You don't know your mathematics.
PUPIL: You don't know my brother.
TEACHER: Remember, class, you can't add apples and oranges.
PUPIL: My mother does it all the time. She calls it fruit cocktail.
TEACHER: If you have 5 people and only 4 apples, how would you divide
them?
PUPIL: I'd ask someone to go get a knife and whoever was stupid enough to go
wouldn't get an apple.
TEACHER: Let X equal the unknown quantity. Now, if X + 10 = 20, and X 5 = 5, what is X?
PUPIL: As far as I'm concerned, it's still the unknown quantity.
TEACHER: Can you count from 1 to 20?
PUPIL: I'm not sure. How about if I just count from 1 to 10 twice?
TEACHER: Today we're studying percentages. If there are ten questions on a quiz and you get ten correct, what do you get?
PUPIL: Accused of cheating.
What do you call an arithmetic teacher who can make numbers disappear?
A mathemagician.
How far open were the windows in the math class?
Just a fraction.
If you eat two thirds of a pie, what do you have left?
An angry mother.
How did the math teacher paint a picture?
By the numbers.
What did the math classroom have instead of desks?
Times tables.
Why did the multiplication table get in trouble with the girls?
He was a two timer.
What did the math teacher order for dinner?
Cubed steak.
What did the math teacher order for dessert?
Pi.
How does a mathematician plow his fields?
With a protractor.
How do you plow underground fields?
With a subtractor
What do you call it when geometry teachers use bad language?
Sphering (swearing).
What do geometry teachers have on their floors?
Area rugs.
Why couldn't the math student get any attention?
He didn't count.
Why was the math student so bad at decimals?
She couldn't get the point.
What do you call 144 cockroaches?
Gross.
How did the little kids like learning addition?
They thought it was a real plus.
If a train is travelling in one direction at 50 miles per hour and another train is coming towards it at 25 miles per hour, when will they meet?
Sooner than they want to.
What did the bee say when it solved the problem?
"Hive got it!"
Which member of royalty is best at math?
The Count.
What would you get if you crossed a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on .
How did the student get the answer to ten minus ten?
He zeroed in on it.
Why couldn't the seven and the ten get married?
They were under eighteen.
KMA OK - now you must obviously be someone i know and know fairly well. This cannot be a coincidence. Fred + me
Jackie = my wife A few people know that. But ...Jason is my son's name. Methinks this is no coincidence. Thanks for the jokes.
Jackie = my wife A few people know that. But ...Jason is my son's name. Methinks this is no coincidence. Thanks for the jokes.
Mr Math was talking to his friend Ferdville about a bad run of luck he was having betting clollege football. It seem's Mr. Math had lost 17 bet's in a row and was quite frustrated.He really enjoyed the action but his handicapping seemed terrible and he couldn't seem to make any sense out of any of it. Ferdville suggested maybe he should try his luck at betting a few hockey game's."Ferdville",Mr. Math responded, "I don't know ANYTHING about hockey".
