Joke of the day

T

TIME TO MAKE $$$

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A duck walks into a 7-11, goes up to the counter and asks the cashier, "You got any grapes?" The cashier responds that they have no grapes and the duck leaves.

The next day the same duck walks in and asks again, "You got any grapes?" The cashier, a bit annoyed, tells him that they still have no grapes. The duck leaves.

The very next day the same duck walks in and once again asks if they have any grapes. This time the cashier angrily responds, "Look, we don't have any damn grapes. If you come in here one more time asking for grapes I'm gonna nail your stupid webbed feet to the floor." The duck quietly exits.

The very next day the same duck walks in, approaches the counter and asks the cashier, "You got any nails?" The cashier says "No." The duck responds, "Good, you got any grapes?"
 
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heleanth

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Oct 17, 2001
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This is an old one, but heard it again today and laughed again.

Wife comes home after going to the doctor for her annual physical exam.

Husband: "How'd your physical go?"

Wife: "Great! The doctor says I have the breasts of a 25 year-old."

Husband: "Humph.. What'd he say about your ass?"

Wife: "Nothing. Your name never even came up!"
 
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heleanth

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Here's another classic:

It is Ralph's first day in the nursing home. Myrna takes a shine to him and says, "Come on, Ralph!" He says, "Oh, no, I'm way too old for that stuff!"

But she stays after him and they end up in Myrna's room. Ralph sits on the bed, watching Myrna undress. When she is almost naked, she says to Ralph, "You probably will want to know, Ralph, that I have acute angina."

Ralph answers, "Well, I certainly hope so, because the rest of you is not looking all that great..."
 
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Anders

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Dec 17, 2000
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:D

A plane travelling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine
problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that the
plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming
he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is
half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot
but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on. Looking down
the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the
crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives
her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she
wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...it's Kylie Minogue!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate
bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall
madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new
found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a
look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong.

"Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life.
We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could
require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something
missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".

"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"

"OK"

"And my trousers?"

"OK"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws
a neat moustache on her lips.

"OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other
way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading
towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs
up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!

:spotting: dance2
 
C

ChrryBlstr

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Feb 11, 2002
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Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.

Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
 
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heleanth

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A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender
delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging?
Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown
paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," answered the bartender.
 
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dunclock

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Here's one to play on people on the phone:


What has a little dick and hangs down? A bat

What has a big dick and hangs up? Click
 
C

cisco

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Little Jimmy's in the classroom and says
"Teacher, I gotta take a piss."

The teacher says:
"That's no way to talk in this classroom Jimmy. The correct word is urinate. Now, if you can say urinate in a sentence, you can go to the bathroom."

Jimmy thought for a minute, then said:
"You're an eight. If you had bigger tits you'd be a ten."
 
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Hack

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Good one Cisco

3 old ladys are sitting on a park bench,when a man in an overcoat approaches the old ladies and flashes them.
Shocked,the first old lady had a stroke
the second old lady had a stroke
and the third old lady her arms were too short to reach
 
B

BahamaMama

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gee....i already know the last one in this list is offensive to *someone* in here.....but what the heck....gonna post it anyway :)

One-Liners Of Women


Why did God give men penises?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.

Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.

What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
Its Braille for "suck here".

Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
Her navel.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
Lipstick.

What's a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Money.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.

Why do women have periods?
They deserve them.

Why did God make man first?
He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

Why was the woman crossing the road?
Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job will still suck.

Why can't you trust woman?
How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die
 
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