BOOK OF NORMAN
Time to take some pot shots at Ricky
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Norman Chad
Last summer, Ricky Williams left the NFL; this summer, he's coming back. The mind of the erstwhile Dolphins running back remains a mystery to most, but we can gain some insight into his fickle thought process by sampling a random week of the journal he's kept during his sabbatical from the gridiron:
Sunday: They can bash me all they want on talk radio, but if you've got Jay Fiedler and A.J. Feeley dropping back on third-and-8, you're staring at 4-12 every day of the week and twice on Sundays. . . . Who wants to set an alarm clock Sunday mornings, anyway? . . . If "Desperate Housewives" comes out on DVD, count me in. . . . Even if I wanted to go back to Miami, I can't stand the thought of getting hot-footed. . . . The best thing about holistic healing? Rice Krispie Treats on Fridays! . . . God, I hate helmets.
Monday: I owe the Dolphins $8.6 million? Man. And, to think, I used to complain about the late fees at Blockbuster. . . . Called my connection in the city, Beetle, for old times' sake, but he told me that even if I wanted a nickel bag, the good stuff ain't due in from Brooklyn till next week. . . . I'm tired of hearing how "tough" Jim Brown was. What was he playing, a 12-game season? . . . How come Oprah doesn't have Dr. Phil on anymore? . . . Lenny Kravitz is kickin', but on occasion I wouldn't mind a little karaoke. . . . If I never urinate into a cup again, it won't be soon enough.
Tuesday: Yeah, like I wanted to carry the ball 35 times a game for Dave Wannstedt. The man couldn't even put on a headset straight. . . . I didn't bring nothing but NyQuil when I flew Air India from New Delhi, 'cause I didn't want a "Midnight Express" situation, like that poor sap Billy Hayes. . . . Aromatherapy beats the heck out of the whirlpool. . . . I called my agent, Leigh Steinberg, and asked him - if I have to repay the Dolphins $8.6 million, doesn't he owe 4 percent of that? He put me on hold. . . . Ran up the hill this morning and, for kicks, rolled back down.
Wednesday: If you had a choice between blocking Ray Lewis and smoking Mary Jane, what would you do? . . . No, lie, man - and I mean this in a nice way - but if they had drug-testing on "The Price Is Right," somebody would be sitting Bob Barker's behind down. . . . Like it was asking too much for the Dolphins to switch to an organic training table? . . . I mean, how do you figure $8.6 million? I sure hope it's a different court that's hearing my next paternity case. . . . It's the most curious thing: When I'm off the herb, I can't stop eating granola.
Thursday: I love the California College of Ayurveda as much as the next guy, but, boy oh boy, there's not much of a meat market in town on Saturday nights . . . I canceled my DirecTV - every time I click on the NFL Network, somebody's getting hit. . . . I'd live in Australia in a heartbeat if I could figure out some way to plug in a microwave in the Outback. . . . Where exactly do they get $8.6 million from? Wasn't O.J.'s civil-suit liability for, like, half of that? . . . Boy, do I miss that Mulligatawny Soup I used to get at that little joint in Calcutta.
Friday: When I was in football shape and Jellybean was holding down at the corner, I could run a 4.25 40. . . . I can deal with a four-game suspension - that's not a punishment, that's a good month in Cancun - but this $8.6 million business sounds like an old-fashioned shakedown. . . . I got me a hankering for some mango chutney. . . . I knew it was time to get out when the '04 Dolphins playbook had a "Ricky Williams pullout section." . . . The other day at yoga, I had the most unexpected urge to whack a blocking sled.
Saturday: Grass Valley's pretty serene, but when I ran a MapQuest on the nearest 7-Eleven, it suggested I plant my own fast food. . . . Geez, if I owe $8.6 million, you'd think I was rooming with Michael Milken. . . . I might have to reconsider my DirecTV decision. I already miss ESPNU. . . . I've got to remember to order a Harry & David's fruit basket for my swami's birthday next week. . . . The Original Whizzinator? Two-a-days, here I come!!!
Norman Chad is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles.
Time to take some pot shots at Ricky
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Norman Chad
Last summer, Ricky Williams left the NFL; this summer, he's coming back. The mind of the erstwhile Dolphins running back remains a mystery to most, but we can gain some insight into his fickle thought process by sampling a random week of the journal he's kept during his sabbatical from the gridiron:
Sunday: They can bash me all they want on talk radio, but if you've got Jay Fiedler and A.J. Feeley dropping back on third-and-8, you're staring at 4-12 every day of the week and twice on Sundays. . . . Who wants to set an alarm clock Sunday mornings, anyway? . . . If "Desperate Housewives" comes out on DVD, count me in. . . . Even if I wanted to go back to Miami, I can't stand the thought of getting hot-footed. . . . The best thing about holistic healing? Rice Krispie Treats on Fridays! . . . God, I hate helmets.
Monday: I owe the Dolphins $8.6 million? Man. And, to think, I used to complain about the late fees at Blockbuster. . . . Called my connection in the city, Beetle, for old times' sake, but he told me that even if I wanted a nickel bag, the good stuff ain't due in from Brooklyn till next week. . . . I'm tired of hearing how "tough" Jim Brown was. What was he playing, a 12-game season? . . . How come Oprah doesn't have Dr. Phil on anymore? . . . Lenny Kravitz is kickin', but on occasion I wouldn't mind a little karaoke. . . . If I never urinate into a cup again, it won't be soon enough.
Tuesday: Yeah, like I wanted to carry the ball 35 times a game for Dave Wannstedt. The man couldn't even put on a headset straight. . . . I didn't bring nothing but NyQuil when I flew Air India from New Delhi, 'cause I didn't want a "Midnight Express" situation, like that poor sap Billy Hayes. . . . Aromatherapy beats the heck out of the whirlpool. . . . I called my agent, Leigh Steinberg, and asked him - if I have to repay the Dolphins $8.6 million, doesn't he owe 4 percent of that? He put me on hold. . . . Ran up the hill this morning and, for kicks, rolled back down.
Wednesday: If you had a choice between blocking Ray Lewis and smoking Mary Jane, what would you do? . . . No, lie, man - and I mean this in a nice way - but if they had drug-testing on "The Price Is Right," somebody would be sitting Bob Barker's behind down. . . . Like it was asking too much for the Dolphins to switch to an organic training table? . . . I mean, how do you figure $8.6 million? I sure hope it's a different court that's hearing my next paternity case. . . . It's the most curious thing: When I'm off the herb, I can't stop eating granola.
Thursday: I love the California College of Ayurveda as much as the next guy, but, boy oh boy, there's not much of a meat market in town on Saturday nights . . . I canceled my DirecTV - every time I click on the NFL Network, somebody's getting hit. . . . I'd live in Australia in a heartbeat if I could figure out some way to plug in a microwave in the Outback. . . . Where exactly do they get $8.6 million from? Wasn't O.J.'s civil-suit liability for, like, half of that? . . . Boy, do I miss that Mulligatawny Soup I used to get at that little joint in Calcutta.
Friday: When I was in football shape and Jellybean was holding down at the corner, I could run a 4.25 40. . . . I can deal with a four-game suspension - that's not a punishment, that's a good month in Cancun - but this $8.6 million business sounds like an old-fashioned shakedown. . . . I got me a hankering for some mango chutney. . . . I knew it was time to get out when the '04 Dolphins playbook had a "Ricky Williams pullout section." . . . The other day at yoga, I had the most unexpected urge to whack a blocking sled.
Saturday: Grass Valley's pretty serene, but when I ran a MapQuest on the nearest 7-Eleven, it suggested I plant my own fast food. . . . Geez, if I owe $8.6 million, you'd think I was rooming with Michael Milken. . . . I might have to reconsider my DirecTV decision. I already miss ESPNU. . . . I've got to remember to order a Harry & David's fruit basket for my swami's birthday next week. . . . The Original Whizzinator? Two-a-days, here I come!!!
Norman Chad is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles.
