Oil Change
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1-Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2-Drink a cup of coffee.
3-15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change - $20.00 Coffee - $1.00 Total - $21.00.
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1-Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree.
2-Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3-Open a beer and drink it.
4-Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5-Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6-In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7-Place drain pan under engine.
8-Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9-Give up and use crescent wrench.
10-Unscrew drain plug.
11-Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
12-Clean up mess.
13-Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14-Look for oil filter wrench.
15-Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
Beer.
16-Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
17- Finish oil change tomorrow.
18-Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19-Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20-Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21-Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22-Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23-Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24-Remember drain plug from step 11.
25-Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26-Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27-Drink beer.
28-Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29-Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30-Drink beer.
31-Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32-Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33-Begin cussing fit.
34-Throw wrench.
35-Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992 in the left boob.
36-Beer.
37-Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38-Beer.
39-Beer.
40-Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41-Beer.
42-Lower car from jack stands.
43-Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44-Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45-Beer.
46-Test drive car.
47-Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48-Car gets impounded.
49-Make bail.
50-Get car from impound yard.
Money spent: Parts - $50.00 DUI - $2500.00 Impound fee - $75.00 Bail - $1500.00 Beer - $25.00 Total - $4150.00 But you know the job was done right!
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1-Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2-Drink a cup of coffee.
3-15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change - $20.00 Coffee - $1.00 Total - $21.00.
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1-Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree.
2-Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3-Open a beer and drink it.
4-Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5-Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6-In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7-Place drain pan under engine.
8-Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9-Give up and use crescent wrench.
10-Unscrew drain plug.
11-Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
12-Clean up mess.
13-Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14-Look for oil filter wrench.
15-Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
Beer.
16-Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
17- Finish oil change tomorrow.
18-Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19-Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20-Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21-Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22-Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23-Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24-Remember drain plug from step 11.
25-Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26-Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27-Drink beer.
28-Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29-Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30-Drink beer.
31-Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32-Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33-Begin cussing fit.
34-Throw wrench.
35-Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992 in the left boob.
36-Beer.
37-Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38-Beer.
39-Beer.
40-Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41-Beer.
42-Lower car from jack stands.
43-Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44-Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45-Beer.
46-Test drive car.
47-Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48-Car gets impounded.
49-Make bail.
50-Get car from impound yard.
Money spent: Parts - $50.00 DUI - $2500.00 Impound fee - $75.00 Bail - $1500.00 Beer - $25.00 Total - $4150.00 But you know the job was done right!
