Senator Hatch Introduces Bill to Burn People?s Eyes Out
Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) today introduced legislation authorizing the use of high-powered microwave lasers to burn out the eyes of non-paying viewers of copyrighted material. ?If we could develop technology which just burned out the parts of their brains where the illegal memories are stored, that?d be fine with me--but we can burn their eyes out right now!? said Hatch, while introducing the Hatch/Hollywood Eyeball Evisceration Act.
Hatch's previous legislation authorizing the remote detonation of PCs used, or potentially used, or thought to have possibly been used, or potentially able to be used after some jumper cables and soldering, assuming a radically defective new security model, to access copyrighted material was defeated in the Senate on a 51-49 vote last week.
?I understand why the Senate was hesitant to pass a bill that authorized the destruction of personal property,? Hatch said. ?But this doesn?t destroy any property. It just turns your eye sockets into puddles of bubbling goo. Okay, you might get some melted eyeball on your shirt, but only if you panic. Keep your wits about you and you can get those eyeballs to dribble into your cupped hands.?
Jack Valenti, head of the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA), welcomed the announcement. ?For too long, our valuable intellectual property, such as Encino Man, Citizen Kane and Girls Gone Wild on Geek Cruises, has been stolen. When you watch a video at your neighbor?s house that your neighbor rented, you are nothing but a thief who deserves to have his--or her--eyeball fluid pour down your cheeks like the crododile tears you shed for the plight of impoverished Hollywood executives. We know who you are, you thieves, all 157,872,548 of you in the United States alone--and we?re going to burn your eyes out!?
The technology, which uses Radio Frequency ID (RFID) tags, smart radio, and the Global Positioning System (GPS) to turn healthy eyeballs into lumps looking like burnt marshmallows, has also been licensed to the Recording Industry Association of American (RIAA) to explode eardrums. When reached for comment, Hilary Rosen, former head of the RIAA under whose administration this system was initiated and funded, said, ?We have always considered this to be a reasonable, least-harmful method of stopping the massive, Enron-style fraud perpetrated by song traders and multi-billionaire corporate crooks. Remember--Enron sold broadband to the song traders.
?Besides,? Rosen continued, ?while the sales of some minor independent artists may suffer, we have reason to believe that sales of artists like Britney Spears, Shania Twain, and Linkin Park will not drop simply because those who listen to them have had their eardrums shattered.
?That is, as long as their eyeballs haven?t been burned out.?
Comment on the new system has been mixed. Former listener Stacey Bristol, 25, spoke from her hospital bed about her experience: ?I was standing outside this sold-out Widespread Panic show, asking around for a ticket. When I couldn?t find one, I decided to wait around, see if they opened up the doors at intermission, maybe listen to a song or two from outside. They?d just started playing when I felt this pressure build up in my sinuses--the next thing I knew, there was blood in my ears and I couldn?t hear anything!?
Jeff Williams, 48, had a similar impression: ?I was in a bar--you know, the kind with a bunch of televisions tuned to different sports--watching the Phillies and the Cubs when the announcer said, ?Unauthorized viewing of this broadcast is prohibited--? but that?s all I heard, ?cause my eyeballs were starting to melt.?
Journalist Declan McCullough, whose articles helped kill the first Hatch bill, wrote yesterday that ?while there is some potential for damaging private property when burning someone?s eyes out--what about the contact lenses, for instance? I mean, it?s not like you can sell your eyeballs, but you can get a a buck or two for the contact lenses on the grey market. But that?s a minor quibble--after all, it?s not authoritarian, big-brother government blinding people, but the good, mostly unconvicted, free corporate citizens operating freely under the free enterprise system to protect their valuable freedom.
?And their stuff,? McCullough continued. ?But not their eyeballs. So this technology is here to stay.?
Lawrence Lessig, professor of law at Stanford University, took a different tack. ?Clearly, the patents on this technology are invalid. In 1904, groundskeeper Roy McTuggle took a sharp stick and poked it through the eyeholes at Ebbets Field during 3-2 counts with men on base. McTuggle successfully blinded seventeen children and a scout from the Browns--that constitutes prior art.
?Once we can get this technology out into the open,? Lessig continued, ?we?ll find some way to fight it. Possibly we can use the Commerce Clause, if we can show that the microwave laser beam crosses state lines on its way to an eyeball. That might?ve convinced the court in Eldred, so surely it?ll work this time.?
