So why are you going to Hell?

[Felonious Monk]

What are some of the worst things you have done in your life that will guarantee you an uncomfortable afterlife?

1. I sweat every time I go into a church

2. Wired a dead skunk to the catalytic converter of my jr high principal's car---MMMMMM STINKY

4. Took joy in ruining the friendships of exes and their roomates by doing one then the other.

5. More vandalism than I can post on this board.

6. When I was a kid, I took 2 boxes of those World's Finest chocolate bars from my neighbor's son.

7. I was high on extascy once, hit a homeless dude, and let him die in my windshield (wait, that wasn't me...*whew*)

Not only am I going to hell, but I'm going to hell on scholarship.

 

[TheShrimp]

1) We used to have Sunday School in the rectory basement (a rectory is where the priest lives for those who don't know). We'd get about a 10 minute break in the middle of class for bathroom/water/etc. There was a church office down there with a phone. As a lark one day during break, I called a sex number from it and left it off the hook.

I imagine the bill was simply paid, but I like to think some church official saw the bill and called the number to find out what it was.

2) In Sunday School about a year earlier, the priest was coming in for "question and answer day". My cousin dared me to ask him if he'd ever had sex before, and well...I asked him. I was physically carried out of the room by my sunday school teacher. I was punished so severely (I thought) that I ran away from home in protest. The cops brought me home that night. I still remember the cop telling me "A kid your age ran away from home a few weeks ago around here and we found him frozen to a tree."

That was in Maine. I was about 12.

3) In Junior High my friends and I used to make fun of a kid in a wheelchair.

I only regret #3.

TheShrimp

 

[Bluemound Freak]

I guess I'm going to hell because: ( Being Catholic )


1. I have had countless encounters of Adulteration!

2. I whip the fish at least 12 times a day!

3. I sleep through Mass!

4. When I was in High School I had sex with a bunch of the orphan girls at this home for orphans ( I just assume it was bad )

5. Been to Church Drunk............more than once!

6. When I was a little Boy, me and my buddy caught like 150 Bream out of my pond and set them all on fire!

7. I have had countless encounters of Adulteration!
( had to list it twice I've done it so many times )

8. Used to Steal wine from the Old couple down the street!

9. Drowned my Cat! On Purpose!.............OK so I was only 2 but hey it counts!

10. Got in trouble for Stealing all the Halloween Decorations from my high School and Re-did the Sign out in front to say Fuhk Yall!

hey now that I think about it.............Hey I might just go to Heaven...........NAH!

 

[fatdaddycool]

1. I , with five others 12 yr. old boys, played spin the bottle with my Homeroom teacher Mrs. Reid at Camp Goddard. She got completely naked, sat Indian style on the floor and slept atop her cot with no covers on until some idiot kept taking pictures. Obviously, the flash was attracting attention, thereby causing her to eventually cover up. Tom Brevig was his name I think. Anyway I couldn't keep my mouth shut as neither could any of the others so it got out at school and amongst parents and ......BAM!..she was gone.

2. Watched as my friend used a clothes hanger with one end wrapped in two sided tape, steal dollar bills from the Queen of Martyrs Church Contributory Box that was mounted on the front door of the Rectory, and use it for beer money.

3. Put mood enhancing drugs in Peggy's beer so she would give my friend Kenny and I oral pleasure on the country club golf course, which I might add, worked like a charm

4. Was drunk at Blues Fest in Chi-Town and had eaten significant amount of purple microdot when I (please note this was mostly unintentional) traded my friends cooler to a stranger for a six pack, unbeknownst to me his shirt and shoes were in the cooler, lost him in the crowd, left him there, went to my car parked in Grant Street Underground garage, to look for him. I got in my car that I payed $100 for. A puke green Delta Royale with a very bad lifter knock that had since been named "The Cream Puff". Started the motor and proceeded to not look behind me as I was quite intoxicated and back straight into a BMW....yada...yada...yada..the bumpers locked. Put the car in drive, turned wheel to the right, and proceeded to go jump on the bumpers to try to dislodge, security kid comes around corner as I explode into a frenzy that someone has just hit my car and ran away. Guard proceeds to get on bumpers as I try to get "that piece of crap" off my Beamer, it works, I take off throw bumper in graveyard, got away with it.

5. Stole the church wine from St. Barnabas on south side of chicago.

6. And if "Hitchhiking under the High Top" is a sin, then I will be the guy taking your tickets at the door.

7. Married...twice.......ya know........I really don't have a problem with Hell

 

[fatdaddycool]

Oh yea one more

8. Got caught, with 3 buddys, going to Camp Wilderness in Canada which was owned and operated by Mr. Konieczny my 10th year Biology Teacher with a couple bags of weed and some beans, cuz we were using one of those old smokeless pipes on the bus all the way up there and the stupid kids kept talking about it at the campfire so they called our parents and my sister answered .

 

[fatdaddycool]

One question for TheShrimp,
Was it your habit to have sex line phone numbers committed to memory?

 

[Felonious Monk]

fatdaddy - after spending much time on this board, and reading many of your posts, I think you are the only person who is more fuhked up than me.

OK I have more:

1. At church all I can think of is which honies I would like to lay the wood to.

2. Used the lines "dont worry I have protection" and "i love you so much" way too many times, and never have in both instances.

3. Two friends of mine and I tipped over a porta-potty after we saw some random guy go inside. Problem was, we tipped it door-side down. It was summer in Austin so you can imagine the smell.

 

[AR182]

FatDaddy your a funny guy.I am going to have to read your posts more thoroughly.

Collected for UNICEF & kept the money.
Robbed fruit from the neighborhood fruit store on 3 consecutive weeks because the owner would not let me & my friends play stickball on the side outside wall of his store.
At one time only had sex with married women.(Is that a sin?)
Friends & I used to call up pizza stores for delivery,& then rob the delivery boy of the pizza.
Married my first wife.(that was living hell).

 

[yepitsme]

when i was kid i burned down an old wooden house ( empty ), fire
started accidentally but i didn't put it out when i had chance.
it looked awesome.

i must have been drunk at everything bad that i have done after fifteen

expect when i was in army we had military police uniforms and
when we had day off we went to railway station with MP uniforms
and "confiscated" all unopened bottles of alcohol from other soldiers
over there and poured down opened ones.
they were really pissed of but didn't dare to say a word because "we could bust you right now but this time we let you go".

free booze is great when you cheat for it.

 

[Blitz]

Once at a Football game, the line was too crowded so I went in the Exit door :nono:

 

[fatdaddycool]

Came home from school and found that my mother had left Beef liver out on the counter to thaw out and was now at room temperature so I had sex with it. My mother was well aware that I hated liver. When she came home and told my sister, and father and I that we were having liver for dinner tonight, I had to tell my mother I had it for lunch, so I didn't have to eat it. Actually the sex part was made up but I thought it was a story killer if I left it out.

 

[fatdaddycool]

BTW,
Not sure how to take the accolades or insults but it is nice to be noticed

9. Another way I know I am going to Hell is: few years ago when we, the wife and I, had a pool party that everyone ended up skinny dipping at and the wife believe it or not is quite attractive and therefore has attractive friends. Well, wife has low tolerance for red wine and beer and Crown Royal so she passed out. Since everyone left I was alone with nothing to do. Don't really remember anything other than that until wife woke me up on the couch with the T.V. blaring tuned to the Cheet-os Channel , my pants at my ankles and a wad of kleenex stuck to the apex of Mount Manhood. That sucked.

 

[Regular Joe]

Being 49 and married, and seeing a 27 year-old on the side is my ticket!

 

[THE KOD]

1. I was 14 me and some friends lit a forest fire on a mountain in October when the grass was two feet high and that funny dry brown color. When we realized the whole mountain was burning one of my friends went to call the FD . After awhile we see all these fire trucks and jeeps headed up the mountain. We turn to run and then see my friend in the lead jeep sitting with the fire chief. They made us help them put it out with back pack water hoses. Next day my picture was in the paper fighting the fire. Had to toss the newspaper and went to all the stores and bought all the papers I could so no one would recognize me. The headline was " Raging inferno on Chippanhook mountain fought by hero kids. We set it, we fought it, yeh I guess that rates as heros.

2. Stole my friends fathers car at 0300 sleeping outside one night. Got the keys and pushed it down the street before we started it.
Pouring rain. went joy riding, got stopped at a police road block and got waved thru with this kid named Sammy driving who was 12 and like 5' tall and couldnt even see over the steering wheel. He was the best driver though.

3. Friends and I were in a overnight log cabin on the Long Trail and this girl scout troop stopped and we ended up sharing the cabin with 10 girls. We got into a big argument with the Leader In the morning we all went out early and started chopping this tree down to take out some aggression. The tree was ten feet around and we misjudged just how tall that redwood was. When it fell it missed the cabin and the sleeping girlscouts by about four feet. They came running out in their pajamas screaming about a earthquake. We yelled shut up you dumb bitchs we are just chopping some firewood.


4. Got caught red handed stealing these expensive gloves out of a store. My father got a lawyer named Eddie Haskell Sr IV. I think he was based out of Ohio. Lawyer screwed up the case and I ended up serving hard time. Anyone seen anyone named Haskell around , please let me know.


Scott-Atlanta

 

[AR182]

FatDaddy.....I would never insult anyone on a internet site.I usually wait until I am friendly with them before I insult them(lol)I just think some of your posts are funny.

 

[LARGE]

I don't post very often, but after seeing this I had to give all of you a heartfelt thankyou.............I now believe that I am going to heaven. I see that I have lived a sheltered life. By the way in MS a lot of the things yall talk about are not sins, such as "hitch hiken under the high top", and looking for someome to "lay the wood to" at church, this is a much better place to look than our family reuions.

 

[fatdaddycool]

Ar182,
No worries my friend wasn't trying to insinuate an insult sorry. thank you for the compliment, if you looked like me you would be funny too..lol...just kidding....Sometimes it is the thread or the topic that allows you to be funny also........I mean I didn't exactly slay em in the Israel vs. Arafat thread, but wasn't trying to either ...lol..anything to lighten the mood anyway.

Monk,
thank you........ I am officially depressed....put in an order for frisbee sized zoloft......I don't think I am that bad...these are mostly just everyday run of the mill things that happen to young lads in their childhood....luckily we grow up, move on...hold on dropped my roach clips, any way as I was saying...we grow up move on have kids, and consequently......leaarn to hide things better

 

[Felonious Monk]

True story:

In high school I told this really hot girl I loved her so I could take her virginity. As soon as we were done I told her I lied, as she layed there crying I went down the hall and banged her hot mom, as her drunken father slept in the same bed.

I then stole their car, ran over their family dog and totaled it out by driving through the front door of our school. Before I left I wrote the girl's name and whore on the hood of the car with spray paint.

Then this hot police officer arrested me and I banged her in the back of her patrol car. I then threatened her with statutory rape charges unless she roughed up some street punks and made them give us their weed and coke. We were also able to shake them down for some heavy cash at the same time.

Then we ran away to Vegas and fuhked around for a few days getting high and blowing all the money. When I got tired of the game, I called my parents, claimed the cop kidnapped me, forced me to do drugs, and made me have sex with her against my will.

She is now in prison, and I am sitting pretty. I still bang that high school girl's Mom sometimes, she is still hot.

Will any of this send me to hell? Probably only because it is all a bunch of shit.

 

[fatdaddycool]

Monk,
I believed it all the way up to the spray painting the car stuff, I ask you did you come up with my midi yet? Why do bad things happen to good people such as ourselves, as I canvas through these somewhat disheartening stories of ours, that we have obviously paid our pennance for, I am married, twice, I really have to ask myself....why me? Am I really that bad of a guy? I mean I didn't play sex games with all my teachers! Just the one,..well this gay english teacher at Brother Rice, name of Mr. Mattes I think made a play for me after a football game after me and the boys borrowed his car and drank a bottle of Blackberry Brandy and drove around as he chaperoned the Homecoming event, I got pretty lit and I think I remember him rubbing my back? It was pretty wierd......thank God I ran into my sisters boyfriend who carried me home to bed.....He was cool..got me undressed, put me in bed...it was wierd though because we had this Canine thermometer (anal) and he was very worried about me so he took my temperature like 38 times and then he spit on my back. Anyway, it just bothers me when peopls say stuff to me like , "you ain't right" and "dude you have some serious problems" because I think that these guys may be insinuating that I am not totally Holy, ya know. When is it our turn, when do we get the break?

 

[Eddie Haskell]

Who said I was going to Texas?

Eddie

P.S. Scott, I have copied and pasted your post and forwarded it to the Chippanhook County District Attorney's office. No statute of limitations on arson. If you are arrested, I can forward you some names of fellow ambulance chasers in Chippanhook County.