Memorize these definitions, and shitting at work or in public will become a pure pleasure.
ASTAIRE (The Fred Astaire Approach)
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the crapper can crap in peace.
BACKFLUSH
The uncomfortable situation in which the toilet bowl has become so full that it is now overloaded with shit and thus begins to spill over when flushed. If this occurs, all bets are off ? get the hell out while you still can. Emergency personnel will need to be called in.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the crap log hits the water and the crap is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of airtime the shit has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
CRACK WHORE
A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing shit in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before shitting. Walk in and check for other crappers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
GHOST DUMP
An abnormal phenomenon in that all the necessary phases of dumping have been completed, but upon your assent off the seat nothing appears in the bowl. This usually occurs around HALLOWEEN.
HAVANA OMELET
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
HOVER DUMP
When you come across a CRACKWHORE and need to take an emergency dump. The shitter positions himself about a foot above the bowl in a bent knee position in order not to make contact with the toilet seat. Splashing may occur so be prepared to evacuate immediately. If this does not work, you may have to resort to the MUMMY DUMP.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
When forcing shit, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic: remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
MUMMY DUMP
If HOVER DUMP is impractical or you find yourself incapable of pulling it off, a MUMMY DUMP may be used in its place. This process involves the complete wrapping of the toilet seat in 1 to 2 inches of toilet paper. If time does not permit or toilet paper is in low supply, it may be necessary to resort back to the HOVER DUMP..
OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET SHITTER
A colleague who shits at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET SHITTER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET SHITTER before entering the bathroom.
CRAPPING FRIENDS NETWORK (CFN)
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency crapping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET SHITTERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a crapper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
A crapper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
WATERMELON
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. This is horrifying but it left out the TUMMY-TUCK, to whit: being forced to leave stall before taking care of business because of a STOOLBLOCKER.
STOOLBLOCKER: an oblivious and shameless colleague who does not hesitate to enter the stall adjacent to yours and unleash holy hell without concern for your presence, safety or subsequent impression.
ASTAIRE (The Fred Astaire Approach)
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the crapper can crap in peace.
BACKFLUSH
The uncomfortable situation in which the toilet bowl has become so full that it is now overloaded with shit and thus begins to spill over when flushed. If this occurs, all bets are off ? get the hell out while you still can. Emergency personnel will need to be called in.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the crap log hits the water and the crap is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of airtime the shit has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
CRACK WHORE
A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing shit in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before shitting. Walk in and check for other crappers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
GHOST DUMP
An abnormal phenomenon in that all the necessary phases of dumping have been completed, but upon your assent off the seat nothing appears in the bowl. This usually occurs around HALLOWEEN.
HAVANA OMELET
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
HOVER DUMP
When you come across a CRACKWHORE and need to take an emergency dump. The shitter positions himself about a foot above the bowl in a bent knee position in order not to make contact with the toilet seat. Splashing may occur so be prepared to evacuate immediately. If this does not work, you may have to resort to the MUMMY DUMP.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
When forcing shit, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic: remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
MUMMY DUMP
If HOVER DUMP is impractical or you find yourself incapable of pulling it off, a MUMMY DUMP may be used in its place. This process involves the complete wrapping of the toilet seat in 1 to 2 inches of toilet paper. If time does not permit or toilet paper is in low supply, it may be necessary to resort back to the HOVER DUMP..
OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET SHITTER
A colleague who shits at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET SHITTER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET SHITTER before entering the bathroom.
CRAPPING FRIENDS NETWORK (CFN)
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency crapping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET SHITTERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a crapper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
A crapper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
WATERMELON
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. This is horrifying but it left out the TUMMY-TUCK, to whit: being forced to leave stall before taking care of business because of a STOOLBLOCKER.
STOOLBLOCKER: an oblivious and shameless colleague who does not hesitate to enter the stall adjacent to yours and unleash holy hell without concern for your presence, safety or subsequent impression.
