...after last year's Steak and Blowjob Day post proposing a new "men's" holiday to rival Valentine's Day, I thought I'd post the follow-up massacre that will never allow me to get either a steak nor a blowjob if the little woman decides to log-on and "check in" on my home away from home....
A good friend and law school buddy of mine runs a "contest" where he sends out a pic to a trillion of his closest friends and we send back captions for said pic.... It's called the Man of Leisure Contest and to give proper credit, cudos Adam... If you're on the list, then you know who Adam is...if you aren't...just enjoy. For some strange reason, seems like someone everywhere knows Adam. Anyway, here is a list of "captions" from said contest that happen to...well, let's say they are...in Adam's words....
"some insightful and humorous thoughts that really ring true this time of year. Started by long time contest winner JA from BNA, this list includes many of your entries from last year. (the first many are from JA in BNA) Enjoy them on this anniversary of the St.Valentine's Day Massacre."
...there may be some words ****'d out.... LOL
JA in BNA:
After all of the lovey dovey stuff is said and done, In my life as a
bachelor, I have found:
-You can pull 1 woman from a group of three, but you can't pull a woman from a group of 2, "What about my friend" or from 4 or more when the peer pressure and dissenting votes will overwhelm you.
-If a woman smokes, she ****s. If she dances well, she ****s well. If she dances and smokes, you have hit the jackpot my son.
-Women who let the polish peel off of their nails have poor vaginal hygiene. Go for unpainted or highly manicured.
-If she's drunk on wine, she'll go home with you that night. If she's drunk on hard liquor, she'll ask you to take her back to her place. If she's drunk on tequila, she'll take you to her home, where her husband/boyfriend still keeps his gun collection.
-If she checks herself in the vanity mirror every time she gets in your car, she only cares about you as an accent piece for her current wardrobe. You will be gone by the next fashion issue of "In Style" magazine.
-Strippers enjoy beer and sports, if you have an extra ticket to anything that involves bouncing or rapidly moving objects, take a stripper. (See #3 and #4 above). (I also like bouncing and rapidly moving objects which is why I like strippers)
-Never date a woman who can't fit her ass into a pair of your jeans. You're friends, and even your dogs, will laugh at you and when she gets out of bed in the morning you will never forgive yourself.
-If your "ex" gains massive amounts of weight, don't tell us "She looked better when...". Unless you have a photo, we will never believe you and it sounds very lame.
-Barter is a form of payment, we have all paid for sex. The key is not to laugh out loud when she asks you if you have ever paid for sex.
-If a woman "rolls" on "X", she will never **** you, she will stay over, she will walk around your house in your boxers and her bra, she will value your friendship, she will even call you at 1:00am to tell you she values your friendship, but she will never **** you. Don't get your hopes up, drop her now before you make a financial investment.
-If you want to piss her off play Green Day in the car. Chicks hate Green Day.
-A women's bathroom is a vast open Love Canal of hazardous chemical "beauty products" hidden in a Tijuana junk yard. Do not touch anything, and do not look too closely.
-If the toilet seat has the urine stains of "pussy spray" on its underside, you have a 70% chance of catching crabs from this woman.
-If a woman lights lots of candles when you get home, she will **** you and pretend she was too drunk to remember it the next morning.
-Women like to pretend they know wine, They generally don't. You should always have 1 bottle each at home of a good red, white and champagne and 1 bottle each of a obscure red, white and champagne with an unpronounceable name and a very pretty label. I guarantee you will never be asked to open any of the good stuff, ever.
-If you have no other glassware in your house always keep 2 clean wine glasses and 2 clean champagne flutes ready at any time.
-JA in BNA
And now , the rest....
Flowers will get you laid. Shooters will get you laid. Getting married won't. JRH/BNA
If a woman ****s you on the first date, she'll do it with other men too. But you don't care, you just wanted to **** her, not meet her parents.
JRH/BNA
No matter how good looking she is, there is some guy who is trying to get rid of her.
No matter how good looking she is, all you have to do is give her some sincere attention and interest (without even spending a dime of your own cash) and you can out maneuver all the other guys. You can even fake the sincerity part for a while and it will work.
We have all put our dick in places we would not consider putting our hand.-KP
If a woman values your friendship she probably won't **** you and then you end up in the living room dressed as a fireman while your mother smokes crack with some guy in your father's bed-(thanks to Eric Cartman my inspiration) JW in DC
I've also found that if I can get a woman to take her shoes off I am going to get laid....its like them unlocking your car door when you walk around...it just works....go with it...
Girls who protest that they are really a "good girl" rarely are.... Later that night I heard her say, among other things as she straddled me, "I want your c*ck in my p*ssy".
Ask yourself....how many times has a girl told you that you were only the second or third person she's been with.... Keep in mind I'm only 25 and I still date sorority girls....why...just like Adam....because I can!!!!! -WB
* She can't keep a boyfriend for more than 2 weeks. A girl who can't stay with a guy for more time than it takes her parents to **** is obviously insecure. And, most likely, a big whore.
* She brings up her "painful, horrible" past again and again. Trust me on this one. Any chick with baggage like that is so ****ing messed up, she's hardly bang-worthy. She'll probably start crying or something halfway through the deed.
* She has few other friends that are chicks. A chick with lots of guy friends thinks she's a "Fem-Playah." In reality, she's just an undersexed piece of pussy with a bunch of loser guys hanging off of her.
* She gives you something "personal" of hers too soon. It could be a stuffed animal, a picture, whatever. Tell her what to do with it, and move on.
* She orders the most expensive thing off the menu. Nuff said.
* She doesn't laugh at anything you say. Come on, man, you don't suck THAT bad. Chances are she's just a poor little girl with no sense of humor.
* She responds to every question you ask her with a question. 'What do you want to eat?' 'Well what do YOU want?' Just tell me, bitch. 'What should we do today?' 'What do you wanna do today?' This gets annoying very fast. It might seem nice at first, but this is a way of life for some girls, and gets
****ing annoying ****ing fast.
* She's really rich. Devil spawn, I tells ya.
* She likes EVERYTHING you like. Either she's too quick to agree with you, showing a weak and boring personality, or you two are way too alike. This will end up sucking.
* She doesn't talk. At all. 'Yes.' 'Naw.' 'Well.' MY GOD. These deer need to have their herds thinned.
* She's not smart. Yeah, I know you're thinking 'Easy pussy, man.' But do you really want to spend time with a chick that can't hold a normal conversation?
-Taoist
If you think you may be interested in a women for more than just fun, tell her your favorite joke; if she dosn't laugh or rolls her eyes, don't waste your time.
Blondes do have more fun!
Thinking about multiplication tables...works better than thinking about baseball.
If you tell your girlfriend that you are going fishing with your friends then you have an excuse for coming home smelling like fish.
If a women is irresponsible with her money do not let her near yours.
The less food she keeps in her fridge the higher her level of maintenance. She will expect you to take her out to eat all of the time. Plus she probably can't cook and won't learn to.
A women who goes down without having to be asked to is a prize catch, but just like all good things, that to will eventually come to an end.
Never show her the MOL Caption Contest. She just will never get it.
Clean your bathroom and your underwear often, she will thank you for it with more frequent favors.
Brush your teeth as often as you would like to be getting laid. There is a correlation between the two.
As most of your comical contestants have no doubt discovered, if you can make her laugh, then with a little patience and a small amount of style, you can make her do things to you that are illegal in most states.
Get a dog preferably a male laborador, he will take care of the rest. If you are extremely shy or horribly disfigured then get a male laborador and a jeep. If you are extremely shy AND horribly disfigured the get the dog the jeep and the "come **** me toy of them all, a BOAT.
-JMM ESQ
WORST ENTRY
That women are more prudish than men is a myth. If they feel comfortable with you, they will, on their own initiative, do amazing and wonderful things to you.
-CA ( you homo!)
AND PROBABLY ONE OF THE BEST
Women with self esteem issues tend to give the best head. -DH
Happy Valentine's Day!!!
:weed:
A good friend and law school buddy of mine runs a "contest" where he sends out a pic to a trillion of his closest friends and we send back captions for said pic.... It's called the Man of Leisure Contest and to give proper credit, cudos Adam... If you're on the list, then you know who Adam is...if you aren't...just enjoy. For some strange reason, seems like someone everywhere knows Adam. Anyway, here is a list of "captions" from said contest that happen to...well, let's say they are...in Adam's words....
"some insightful and humorous thoughts that really ring true this time of year. Started by long time contest winner JA from BNA, this list includes many of your entries from last year. (the first many are from JA in BNA) Enjoy them on this anniversary of the St.Valentine's Day Massacre."
...there may be some words ****'d out.... LOL
JA in BNA:
After all of the lovey dovey stuff is said and done, In my life as a
bachelor, I have found:
-You can pull 1 woman from a group of three, but you can't pull a woman from a group of 2, "What about my friend" or from 4 or more when the peer pressure and dissenting votes will overwhelm you.
-If a woman smokes, she ****s. If she dances well, she ****s well. If she dances and smokes, you have hit the jackpot my son.
-Women who let the polish peel off of their nails have poor vaginal hygiene. Go for unpainted or highly manicured.
-If she's drunk on wine, she'll go home with you that night. If she's drunk on hard liquor, she'll ask you to take her back to her place. If she's drunk on tequila, she'll take you to her home, where her husband/boyfriend still keeps his gun collection.
-If she checks herself in the vanity mirror every time she gets in your car, she only cares about you as an accent piece for her current wardrobe. You will be gone by the next fashion issue of "In Style" magazine.
-Strippers enjoy beer and sports, if you have an extra ticket to anything that involves bouncing or rapidly moving objects, take a stripper. (See #3 and #4 above). (I also like bouncing and rapidly moving objects which is why I like strippers)
-Never date a woman who can't fit her ass into a pair of your jeans. You're friends, and even your dogs, will laugh at you and when she gets out of bed in the morning you will never forgive yourself.
-If your "ex" gains massive amounts of weight, don't tell us "She looked better when...". Unless you have a photo, we will never believe you and it sounds very lame.
-Barter is a form of payment, we have all paid for sex. The key is not to laugh out loud when she asks you if you have ever paid for sex.
-If a woman "rolls" on "X", she will never **** you, she will stay over, she will walk around your house in your boxers and her bra, she will value your friendship, she will even call you at 1:00am to tell you she values your friendship, but she will never **** you. Don't get your hopes up, drop her now before you make a financial investment.
-If you want to piss her off play Green Day in the car. Chicks hate Green Day.
-A women's bathroom is a vast open Love Canal of hazardous chemical "beauty products" hidden in a Tijuana junk yard. Do not touch anything, and do not look too closely.
-If the toilet seat has the urine stains of "pussy spray" on its underside, you have a 70% chance of catching crabs from this woman.
-If a woman lights lots of candles when you get home, she will **** you and pretend she was too drunk to remember it the next morning.
-Women like to pretend they know wine, They generally don't. You should always have 1 bottle each at home of a good red, white and champagne and 1 bottle each of a obscure red, white and champagne with an unpronounceable name and a very pretty label. I guarantee you will never be asked to open any of the good stuff, ever.
-If you have no other glassware in your house always keep 2 clean wine glasses and 2 clean champagne flutes ready at any time.
-JA in BNA
And now , the rest....
Flowers will get you laid. Shooters will get you laid. Getting married won't. JRH/BNA
If a woman ****s you on the first date, she'll do it with other men too. But you don't care, you just wanted to **** her, not meet her parents.
JRH/BNA
No matter how good looking she is, there is some guy who is trying to get rid of her.
No matter how good looking she is, all you have to do is give her some sincere attention and interest (without even spending a dime of your own cash) and you can out maneuver all the other guys. You can even fake the sincerity part for a while and it will work.
We have all put our dick in places we would not consider putting our hand.-KP
If a woman values your friendship she probably won't **** you and then you end up in the living room dressed as a fireman while your mother smokes crack with some guy in your father's bed-(thanks to Eric Cartman my inspiration) JW in DC
I've also found that if I can get a woman to take her shoes off I am going to get laid....its like them unlocking your car door when you walk around...it just works....go with it...
Girls who protest that they are really a "good girl" rarely are.... Later that night I heard her say, among other things as she straddled me, "I want your c*ck in my p*ssy".
Ask yourself....how many times has a girl told you that you were only the second or third person she's been with.... Keep in mind I'm only 25 and I still date sorority girls....why...just like Adam....because I can!!!!! -WB
* She can't keep a boyfriend for more than 2 weeks. A girl who can't stay with a guy for more time than it takes her parents to **** is obviously insecure. And, most likely, a big whore.
* She brings up her "painful, horrible" past again and again. Trust me on this one. Any chick with baggage like that is so ****ing messed up, she's hardly bang-worthy. She'll probably start crying or something halfway through the deed.
* She has few other friends that are chicks. A chick with lots of guy friends thinks she's a "Fem-Playah." In reality, she's just an undersexed piece of pussy with a bunch of loser guys hanging off of her.
* She gives you something "personal" of hers too soon. It could be a stuffed animal, a picture, whatever. Tell her what to do with it, and move on.
* She orders the most expensive thing off the menu. Nuff said.
* She doesn't laugh at anything you say. Come on, man, you don't suck THAT bad. Chances are she's just a poor little girl with no sense of humor.
* She responds to every question you ask her with a question. 'What do you want to eat?' 'Well what do YOU want?' Just tell me, bitch. 'What should we do today?' 'What do you wanna do today?' This gets annoying very fast. It might seem nice at first, but this is a way of life for some girls, and gets
****ing annoying ****ing fast.
* She's really rich. Devil spawn, I tells ya.
* She likes EVERYTHING you like. Either she's too quick to agree with you, showing a weak and boring personality, or you two are way too alike. This will end up sucking.
* She doesn't talk. At all. 'Yes.' 'Naw.' 'Well.' MY GOD. These deer need to have their herds thinned.
* She's not smart. Yeah, I know you're thinking 'Easy pussy, man.' But do you really want to spend time with a chick that can't hold a normal conversation?
-Taoist
If you think you may be interested in a women for more than just fun, tell her your favorite joke; if she dosn't laugh or rolls her eyes, don't waste your time.
Blondes do have more fun!
Thinking about multiplication tables...works better than thinking about baseball.
If you tell your girlfriend that you are going fishing with your friends then you have an excuse for coming home smelling like fish.
If a women is irresponsible with her money do not let her near yours.
The less food she keeps in her fridge the higher her level of maintenance. She will expect you to take her out to eat all of the time. Plus she probably can't cook and won't learn to.
A women who goes down without having to be asked to is a prize catch, but just like all good things, that to will eventually come to an end.
Never show her the MOL Caption Contest. She just will never get it.
Clean your bathroom and your underwear often, she will thank you for it with more frequent favors.
Brush your teeth as often as you would like to be getting laid. There is a correlation between the two.
As most of your comical contestants have no doubt discovered, if you can make her laugh, then with a little patience and a small amount of style, you can make her do things to you that are illegal in most states.
Get a dog preferably a male laborador, he will take care of the rest. If you are extremely shy or horribly disfigured then get a male laborador and a jeep. If you are extremely shy AND horribly disfigured the get the dog the jeep and the "come **** me toy of them all, a BOAT.
-JMM ESQ
WORST ENTRY
That women are more prudish than men is a myth. If they feel comfortable with you, they will, on their own initiative, do amazing and wonderful things to you.
-CA ( you homo!)
AND PROBABLY ONE OF THE BEST
Women with self esteem issues tend to give the best head. -DH
Happy Valentine's Day!!!
:weed:
