1. Budweiser beer conditions the hair
2. Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish
3. Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 minutes
4. Mayonnaise will KILL LICE, it will also condition your hair
5. Elmer's Glue - paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads if any.
6. Shiny Hair - use brewed Lipton Tea
7. Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water
8. Minor burn - Colgate or Crest toothpaste
9. Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it!
10. Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insect stings too
11. Bee stings - meat tenderizer
12. Chigger bite - Preparation H
13. Puffy eyes - Preparation H
14. Paper cut - crazy glue or chap stick (glue is used instead of sutures at most hospitals)
15. Stinky feet - Jell-O!
16. Athletes feet - cornstarch
17. Fungus on toenails or fingernails - Vicks vapor rub
18. Kool aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet. (Wow, and we drink this stuff)
19. Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint also Kool Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint, your kids will love it and it won't hurt them if they eat it!
20. Peanut butter - will get scratches out of CD's! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper
21. Sticking bicycle chain - Pam no-stick cooking spray
22. Pam will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can in your garage for your hubby
Actual Answering Machine Messages.
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now,
but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll
get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am
capable of receiving messages. My owners do
not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their
carpets are clean. They give to charity at the
office and don't need their picture taken. If you're
still with me, leave your name and home phone
number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine...
This is a telepathic thought-recording device.
After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. John's answering machine is broken.
This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly,
and I'll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets.
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company,
I already sent the money. If you are my parents,
please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those is the reason why we're not here. So, leave a message.
Hello. If you leave a message, I'll call you soon.
If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
Hi.... Now YOU say something.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home
cleaning our weapons right now and can't come
to the phone. Otherwise, take a chance & leave
a message.
Leave a beep after the message...you know...
put your lips together and ....
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't
pick up the phone right now, because we're doing
something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing
it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...
real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're
done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you're living in 2004 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19 You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20! . You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends ...you know you want to!
WORDS OF WISDOM :
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your ass will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single..
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: Wisdom from Grandpa ...
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends alot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth... Remember about Algebra.
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up, or leaks.
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
True Story. Jacksonville P. D.
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with
him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask
him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police
radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a
block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right
back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets
there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might
come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is
there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in
bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks
why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She
opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all
its lights still flashing.
True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish
3. Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 minutes
4. Mayonnaise will KILL LICE, it will also condition your hair
5. Elmer's Glue - paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads if any.
6. Shiny Hair - use brewed Lipton Tea
7. Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water
8. Minor burn - Colgate or Crest toothpaste
9. Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it!
10. Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insect stings too
11. Bee stings - meat tenderizer
12. Chigger bite - Preparation H
13. Puffy eyes - Preparation H
14. Paper cut - crazy glue or chap stick (glue is used instead of sutures at most hospitals)
15. Stinky feet - Jell-O!
16. Athletes feet - cornstarch
17. Fungus on toenails or fingernails - Vicks vapor rub
18. Kool aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet. (Wow, and we drink this stuff)
19. Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint also Kool Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint, your kids will love it and it won't hurt them if they eat it!
20. Peanut butter - will get scratches out of CD's! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper
21. Sticking bicycle chain - Pam no-stick cooking spray
22. Pam will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can in your garage for your hubby
Actual Answering Machine Messages.
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now,
but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll
get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am
capable of receiving messages. My owners do
not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their
carpets are clean. They give to charity at the
office and don't need their picture taken. If you're
still with me, leave your name and home phone
number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine...
This is a telepathic thought-recording device.
After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. John's answering machine is broken.
This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly,
and I'll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets.
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company,
I already sent the money. If you are my parents,
please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those is the reason why we're not here. So, leave a message.
Hello. If you leave a message, I'll call you soon.
If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
Hi.... Now YOU say something.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home
cleaning our weapons right now and can't come
to the phone. Otherwise, take a chance & leave
a message.
Leave a beep after the message...you know...
put your lips together and ....
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't
pick up the phone right now, because we're doing
something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing
it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...
real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're
done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you're living in 2004 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19 You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20! . You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends ...you know you want to!
WORDS OF WISDOM :
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your ass will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single..
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: Wisdom from Grandpa ...
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends alot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth... Remember about Algebra.
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up, or leaks.
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
True Story. Jacksonville P. D.
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with
him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask
him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police
radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a
block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right
back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets
there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might
come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is
there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in
bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks
why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She
opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all
its lights still flashing.
True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
