A Mississippi woodpecker and a Tennessee woodpecker
were in Mississippi arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The Mississippi woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Tennessee woodpecker challenged him and was able to
peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mississippi woodpecker was in awe.
The Tennessee woodpecker then challenged the
Mississippi woodpecker to peck
a tree in Tennessee that no woodpecker had been able to
peck successfully. The Mississippi woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
After flying to Tennessee, the Mississippi woodpecker
successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused. How was it that
the Tennessee woodpecker was able to peck the Mississippi tree and the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Tennessee tree when neither ! one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After thinking for some time they both came to the same
conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
A priest is playing golf, followed by his devoted
caddie. He takes a swing and hits the ball. But while in the air, the wind starts to blow and the balls falls in a lake. The priest, very mad, says, "Goddamn wind!!" The caddie, surprised, says "Sir, please, why did you say such profanity?!" The
priest asks the caddie to forgive him, gets on his knees and prays for forgiveness from God.
A little later, the priest hits another good drive. Again, the wind starts to blow and this time the ball falls in the woods. The
priest sighs and again, says : "Goddamn wind!!" The caddie, just as surprised as the first time, says, "Sir, please, do stop saying such profanity!" The priest then looks at his caddie, and raises his hands towards the sky, asking God to forgive him.
Suddenly, the sky covers with grey and dark clouds, there's a clap of thunder, and a lightning bolt strikes the caddie to death. The priest, not believing his eyes, falls to his knees and screams to the sky : "Oh Lord, what has this poor man done to make you so mad? God, I am the one who sinned! My poor caddie did not deserve such a death!" Then, a loud roar came from the sky. The priest hid his head under his arms, scared of dying, only to hear a loud voice say, "Goddamn wind!!!!"
THE "FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM - EVERYONE SAY IT
WITH ME ...
1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my
mailing lists if I
DON'T forward a ****ing email.
2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do
forward a ****ing
e-mail.
3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria
Secret doesn't know
anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to
send me.
4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I
forward my e-mail to more
than 50 people who are obviously as ****ing stupid as
me.
5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or
freebies from Coca
Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I
send an e-mail to 10
people.
6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an
e-mail ... NEVER -- NEVER.
7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking
program, and I am not
STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100
for forwarding an
e-mail to 10 or more people who are as ****ing stupid
as I am.
8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish
program in England
collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He
is now cancer free
and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE OF YOUR
****ING POST CARDS, or
GET-WELL CARDS.
9. The government does not have a bill in Congress
called 901B (or whatever
they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable
them to charge us 5
cents for every ****ing e-mail we send.
10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving,
clorful flowers,
characters, or program that I will rceive immediately
after I forward an
e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to
certain individual
dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail
address I send this
to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into
sending things by
telling me I am not their friend or that I don't
believe in Jesus Christ.
If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes
in my yard will
burn before he picks up a ****ing keyboard to pass it
on.
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it
memorized, and send it along
to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon
or you will surely
be constipated for the next three months and all of
your hair will ****ing
fall out!
Just kidding!
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He
took his faithful pet
dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing
butterflies and
before long the dog discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction
with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog
thinks, "Ok hell, I'm
in deep shit now." Then he noticed some bones on the
ground close by, and
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
back to the
approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims
loudly,"Jesus, that
was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any
more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid
stride, as a look of
terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew", says the
leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole
scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the
dog saw him heading
after the leopard with great speed, and figured that
something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the
beans about the
dog's ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the
leopard. The leopard is
furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey,
hop on my back and
see what's going to happen to that conniving canine
bastard."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on
his back, and
thinks, "Oh shit, what the hell am I going to do now?"
But instead of
running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers pretending he
hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close
enough to hear, the dog
says, "Where's that ****ing monkey?! I sent him off
half an hour ago to
bring me another God damned leopard, and he's still not
back!!"
A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful
woman sitting next to
him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she
must be a flight
attendant; but which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said,
"Love to fly and it
shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he
immediately thought to
himself, ooh shit, she doesn't work for Delta.
A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his
head. He leaned towards
her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave
him the same confused
look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American
Airlines off of the
list.
Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly
skies?" This time
the woman barked back at him "Man, what the **** do you
want?" The man
smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "Ahhh, Air
Canada".
Subject: Dad's job!
>
>How sweet it is.........
>
> > It's the first day of school and the teacher
thought she'd get to
>know the kids by asking them their name and what
their father does for a
>living.
> >
> >The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my
daddy is a
>postman."
> >
> > The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a
mechanic."
> >
> > Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my
father is a
>striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
> >
> > The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject,
but later in the
>school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately
and asks if it was
>really
>true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
> >
> > He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays
hockey for Team USA,
>and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
were in Mississippi arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The Mississippi woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Tennessee woodpecker challenged him and was able to
peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mississippi woodpecker was in awe.
The Tennessee woodpecker then challenged the
Mississippi woodpecker to peck
a tree in Tennessee that no woodpecker had been able to
peck successfully. The Mississippi woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
After flying to Tennessee, the Mississippi woodpecker
successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused. How was it that
the Tennessee woodpecker was able to peck the Mississippi tree and the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Tennessee tree when neither ! one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After thinking for some time they both came to the same
conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
A priest is playing golf, followed by his devoted
caddie. He takes a swing and hits the ball. But while in the air, the wind starts to blow and the balls falls in a lake. The priest, very mad, says, "Goddamn wind!!" The caddie, surprised, says "Sir, please, why did you say such profanity?!" The
priest asks the caddie to forgive him, gets on his knees and prays for forgiveness from God.
A little later, the priest hits another good drive. Again, the wind starts to blow and this time the ball falls in the woods. The
priest sighs and again, says : "Goddamn wind!!" The caddie, just as surprised as the first time, says, "Sir, please, do stop saying such profanity!" The priest then looks at his caddie, and raises his hands towards the sky, asking God to forgive him.
Suddenly, the sky covers with grey and dark clouds, there's a clap of thunder, and a lightning bolt strikes the caddie to death. The priest, not believing his eyes, falls to his knees and screams to the sky : "Oh Lord, what has this poor man done to make you so mad? God, I am the one who sinned! My poor caddie did not deserve such a death!" Then, a loud roar came from the sky. The priest hid his head under his arms, scared of dying, only to hear a loud voice say, "Goddamn wind!!!!"
THE "FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM - EVERYONE SAY IT
WITH ME ...
1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my
mailing lists if I
DON'T forward a ****ing email.
2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do
forward a ****ing
e-mail.
3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria
Secret doesn't know
anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to
send me.
4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I
forward my e-mail to more
than 50 people who are obviously as ****ing stupid as
me.
5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or
freebies from Coca
Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I
send an e-mail to 10
people.
6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an
e-mail ... NEVER -- NEVER.
7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking
program, and I am not
STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100
for forwarding an
e-mail to 10 or more people who are as ****ing stupid
as I am.
8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish
program in England
collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He
is now cancer free
and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE OF YOUR
****ING POST CARDS, or
GET-WELL CARDS.
9. The government does not have a bill in Congress
called 901B (or whatever
they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable
them to charge us 5
cents for every ****ing e-mail we send.
10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving,
clorful flowers,
characters, or program that I will rceive immediately
after I forward an
e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to
certain individual
dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail
address I send this
to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into
sending things by
telling me I am not their friend or that I don't
believe in Jesus Christ.
If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes
in my yard will
burn before he picks up a ****ing keyboard to pass it
on.
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it
memorized, and send it along
to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon
or you will surely
be constipated for the next three months and all of
your hair will ****ing
fall out!
Just kidding!
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He
took his faithful pet
dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing
butterflies and
before long the dog discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction
with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog
thinks, "Ok hell, I'm
in deep shit now." Then he noticed some bones on the
ground close by, and
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
back to the
approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims
loudly,"Jesus, that
was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any
more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid
stride, as a look of
terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew", says the
leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole
scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the
dog saw him heading
after the leopard with great speed, and figured that
something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the
beans about the
dog's ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the
leopard. The leopard is
furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey,
hop on my back and
see what's going to happen to that conniving canine
bastard."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on
his back, and
thinks, "Oh shit, what the hell am I going to do now?"
But instead of
running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers pretending he
hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close
enough to hear, the dog
says, "Where's that ****ing monkey?! I sent him off
half an hour ago to
bring me another God damned leopard, and he's still not
back!!"
A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful
woman sitting next to
him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she
must be a flight
attendant; but which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said,
"Love to fly and it
shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he
immediately thought to
himself, ooh shit, she doesn't work for Delta.
A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his
head. He leaned towards
her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave
him the same confused
look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American
Airlines off of the
list.
Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly
skies?" This time
the woman barked back at him "Man, what the **** do you
want?" The man
smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "Ahhh, Air
Canada".
Subject: Dad's job!
>
>How sweet it is.........
>
> > It's the first day of school and the teacher
thought she'd get to
>know the kids by asking them their name and what
their father does for a
>living.
> >
> >The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my
daddy is a
>postman."
> >
> > The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a
mechanic."
> >
> > Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my
father is a
>striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
> >
> > The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject,
but later in the
>school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately
and asks if it was
>really
>true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
> >
> > He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays
hockey for Team USA,
>and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
