NOW:
NCAA YTD: 30-30 (-3.93*)
NFL YTD: 19-15 (+2.68*)
OCTOBER 11:
NCAA YTD: 22-17 (+3.30*)
NFL YTD: 9-12 (-4.11*)
You never know when there will be a reversal of fortune, that for should. I'm just relieved I didn't let some frustrating Saturdays sour my appetite on Sundays. God Bless and God Damn, and what's on this week's card?
"Well, Jane, it just goes to show ya. It's always somethin'! If it's not one thing, it's another!" ~ Roseanne Roseannadanna
Louisville(-20') over Pittsburgh (1*)
- - Putting aside the South Florida debacle as a single aberration over a lengthy stretch, Louisville under HC Petrino is more than a few scores and a handful of decisive plays better than the .500 mid-majors of the college football world, and has some knack for triggering the proof. Coach Wannstedt and his troops will get their moment on a big stage to engineer a loose and impressive start and follow it up with agile adjustments and counterpunches to impress the national audience in this one.
http://www.courier-journal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051103/SPORTS02/511030453/1002/SPORTS
***************************************
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with the Weekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening. I'm Jane Curtin. Here now the news. Our top story tonight . . .
Jane Curtin: This week, many commercial banks brought bad news to prospective homeowners by raising the mortgage rate to a record twelve per cent. This no doubt will prevent thousands from purchasing a house because they can't get financing. Here to comment further on this situation is Update's economic advisor, Roseanne Roseannadanna.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane! Thanks a lot! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey writes in and says:
Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,
New Jersey is no longer my cup of tea. I hate livin' here, I hate my job, I hate my kids, I hate the Giants, I want to move, I can't get a mortgage, what should I do?
Well, Mr. Feder, I know exactly what you're goin' through 'cause this past summer, I -- Roseanne Roseannadanna -- rented a house that I couldn't afford in this real hotsy-totsy place called East Hampton. ... East Hampton is this cute tiny town on Long Island where everybody who's anybody goes to spend the summer. And I really love those Hamptons 'cause the air is clean and you got the ocean and the trees -- plus, you get to see a lot of famous people wearin' cute little white shorts, joggin' and ridin' bicycles and sweatin' and breathin' like pigs! ...
Everybody out there is like a real health nut. They play tennis and read a lot of books by Adelle Davis. Now, Adelle Davis was that real smart dead lady who on wrote on how to stay healthy and all those books that got the same title: "Let's Eat Right" "Let's Be Thin" "Let's Keep Fit" "Let's Look Good" "Let's Live Long" "Let's Be Alive" "Let's Keep You Alive" "Let's Keep Me Alive" "I Don't Wanna Die" "I'm Dead" "What Went Wrong?" ... [cheers and applause]
And I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, learned if you want to stay fit in the Hamptons, you gotta eat a lot of roughage. And do you know what roughage is? It's that food that goes right through you like a fast train and drags other stuff along with it so they don't hang around too long to rot and stink up your insides. ... Now, imagine, if you could, the inside of your body as a big, long curving around pipe, like under a sink, with all these ugly germs and pieces o' red meat and diet soda and Twinkies and monosodium glutamate and stuff, sittin' there and cloggin' up everything. But then -- this roughage stuff comes along and cleans out everything! Just like Liquid Plumr! And gets you zippy clean!
The only trouble is, I hate eatin' that roughage stuff. Like, I got invited to this one party that was given at the private estate of Mr. Designer himself, Yves St. Laurent. And do you know what they had to eat? A thing they call crudit?! That's French. And it means celery sticks, carrot sticks, sliced radishes, raw broccoli, raw cauliflower, raw mushrooms, and a yogurt dip! ... Now, what kinda great party is that? ... Crudit?? Not only does it taste bland, like your foot or something ... but there's so much crunchin' goin' on, ya can't hear what anybody's talkin' about. ...
Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch. And who's crunchin' the loudest and drinkin' bottles of Perrier but the hotshot host himself, St. Laurent. He looked real healthy but every two minutes he excuses himself to go to the bathroom! ... Well, one time, when he came out, just between you and me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, I noticed that he had a little tiny wet spot on his white pants right below his zipper. ... It looked like a little raindrop! Or like a little clear splotch! Well, I thought I was gonna die! ... I said, "Hey! Frenchie! Did that splotch come out o' you?" And he says, [French accent] "No way, ze water splash up from ze sink, I swear!"
But none of us believed him and we had to leave the party 'cause he was makin' all of us sick, you know?! ... It wasn't rainin', there's a drop on his pants! I couldn't believe it!
Jane Curtin: You're making all of us sick, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: What's your problem? Don't you like French?
Jane Curtin: You're supposed to come here and talk about a man who wants to buy a house -- not about roughage and Yves St. Laurent.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it just goes to show ya. It's always somethin'! If it's not one thing, it's another! Either you can't get a mortgage or it rains on your zipper. It's just like the little prayer that my father used to say to me before I went to sleep at night. He'd make sure I was all tucked in, snug and cozy and everything and he'd tell me this prayer that was written by my very religious aunt -- Hosanna Roseannadanna. ... I'm gonna tell it to you.
Now I lay me down to sleep
After a lot of roughage I did eat ...
I hope I die before I wake
'Cause another washing these sheets can't take! ...
Good night, my little Roseanne Roseannadanna!
Jane Curtin: Good night, Roseanne Roseannadanna.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Good night, Jane! Come here and let me touch your nose!
Jane Curtin: [putting a hand over Roseanne's mouth] That's the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[Cheers and applause]
NCAA YTD: 30-30 (-3.93*)
NFL YTD: 19-15 (+2.68*)
OCTOBER 11:
NCAA YTD: 22-17 (+3.30*)
NFL YTD: 9-12 (-4.11*)
You never know when there will be a reversal of fortune, that for should. I'm just relieved I didn't let some frustrating Saturdays sour my appetite on Sundays. God Bless and God Damn, and what's on this week's card?
"Well, Jane, it just goes to show ya. It's always somethin'! If it's not one thing, it's another!" ~ Roseanne Roseannadanna
Louisville(-20') over Pittsburgh (1*)
- - Putting aside the South Florida debacle as a single aberration over a lengthy stretch, Louisville under HC Petrino is more than a few scores and a handful of decisive plays better than the .500 mid-majors of the college football world, and has some knack for triggering the proof. Coach Wannstedt and his troops will get their moment on a big stage to engineer a loose and impressive start and follow it up with agile adjustments and counterpunches to impress the national audience in this one.
http://www.courier-journal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051103/SPORTS02/511030453/1002/SPORTS
***************************************
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with the Weekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening. I'm Jane Curtin. Here now the news. Our top story tonight . . .
Jane Curtin: This week, many commercial banks brought bad news to prospective homeowners by raising the mortgage rate to a record twelve per cent. This no doubt will prevent thousands from purchasing a house because they can't get financing. Here to comment further on this situation is Update's economic advisor, Roseanne Roseannadanna.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane! Thanks a lot! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey writes in and says:
Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,
New Jersey is no longer my cup of tea. I hate livin' here, I hate my job, I hate my kids, I hate the Giants, I want to move, I can't get a mortgage, what should I do?
Well, Mr. Feder, I know exactly what you're goin' through 'cause this past summer, I -- Roseanne Roseannadanna -- rented a house that I couldn't afford in this real hotsy-totsy place called East Hampton. ... East Hampton is this cute tiny town on Long Island where everybody who's anybody goes to spend the summer. And I really love those Hamptons 'cause the air is clean and you got the ocean and the trees -- plus, you get to see a lot of famous people wearin' cute little white shorts, joggin' and ridin' bicycles and sweatin' and breathin' like pigs! ...
Everybody out there is like a real health nut. They play tennis and read a lot of books by Adelle Davis. Now, Adelle Davis was that real smart dead lady who on wrote on how to stay healthy and all those books that got the same title: "Let's Eat Right" "Let's Be Thin" "Let's Keep Fit" "Let's Look Good" "Let's Live Long" "Let's Be Alive" "Let's Keep You Alive" "Let's Keep Me Alive" "I Don't Wanna Die" "I'm Dead" "What Went Wrong?" ... [cheers and applause]
And I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, learned if you want to stay fit in the Hamptons, you gotta eat a lot of roughage. And do you know what roughage is? It's that food that goes right through you like a fast train and drags other stuff along with it so they don't hang around too long to rot and stink up your insides. ... Now, imagine, if you could, the inside of your body as a big, long curving around pipe, like under a sink, with all these ugly germs and pieces o' red meat and diet soda and Twinkies and monosodium glutamate and stuff, sittin' there and cloggin' up everything. But then -- this roughage stuff comes along and cleans out everything! Just like Liquid Plumr! And gets you zippy clean!
The only trouble is, I hate eatin' that roughage stuff. Like, I got invited to this one party that was given at the private estate of Mr. Designer himself, Yves St. Laurent. And do you know what they had to eat? A thing they call crudit?! That's French. And it means celery sticks, carrot sticks, sliced radishes, raw broccoli, raw cauliflower, raw mushrooms, and a yogurt dip! ... Now, what kinda great party is that? ... Crudit?? Not only does it taste bland, like your foot or something ... but there's so much crunchin' goin' on, ya can't hear what anybody's talkin' about. ...
Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch. And who's crunchin' the loudest and drinkin' bottles of Perrier but the hotshot host himself, St. Laurent. He looked real healthy but every two minutes he excuses himself to go to the bathroom! ... Well, one time, when he came out, just between you and me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, I noticed that he had a little tiny wet spot on his white pants right below his zipper. ... It looked like a little raindrop! Or like a little clear splotch! Well, I thought I was gonna die! ... I said, "Hey! Frenchie! Did that splotch come out o' you?" And he says, [French accent] "No way, ze water splash up from ze sink, I swear!"
But none of us believed him and we had to leave the party 'cause he was makin' all of us sick, you know?! ... It wasn't rainin', there's a drop on his pants! I couldn't believe it!
Jane Curtin: You're making all of us sick, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: What's your problem? Don't you like French?
Jane Curtin: You're supposed to come here and talk about a man who wants to buy a house -- not about roughage and Yves St. Laurent.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it just goes to show ya. It's always somethin'! If it's not one thing, it's another! Either you can't get a mortgage or it rains on your zipper. It's just like the little prayer that my father used to say to me before I went to sleep at night. He'd make sure I was all tucked in, snug and cozy and everything and he'd tell me this prayer that was written by my very religious aunt -- Hosanna Roseannadanna. ... I'm gonna tell it to you.
Now I lay me down to sleep
After a lot of roughage I did eat ...
I hope I die before I wake
'Cause another washing these sheets can't take! ...
Good night, my little Roseanne Roseannadanna!
Jane Curtin: Good night, Roseanne Roseannadanna.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Good night, Jane! Come here and let me touch your nose!
Jane Curtin: [putting a hand over Roseanne's mouth] That's the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[Cheers and applause]
also like the last play
