Bill Livingston
Cleveland Plain Dealer
Nothing good on this list of bad, ugly
Friday, July 23, 2004
Top Local Turncoats:
1. Art Modell - Retire the trophy, already.
2. Carlos Boozer.
3. Albert Belle - Nipped by Boozer in a photo because Belle never pretended to be out for anyone except Belle.
4. George Steinbrenner - Captain of the Good Ship Cable Bounty. Architect of the Evil Empire. We've paid the Pipers for years for not turning the Tribe over to him.
5. Jim Thome - Swore to live here in the off-season. Big deal.
6. Manny Ramirez - Coming soon, the first steal of first base in the storied history of Fenway Park!
7. Milton Bradley - Former Tribe center fielder obviously hurt head sliding across street in 2003 TV promos.
8. David Modell - The knucklehead doesn't fall far from the tree.
9. Forrest Gregg.
10. Bill Belichick.
11. Bill Cowher. (I know, I know. It wasn't the fault of Nos. 9, 10 and 11 that they made this list. They were either not hired or were fired by Art Modell and went on to great success elsewhere.)
12. "Wrong Rim" Ricky Davis.
Top Generous Interpreters of the Truth:
1. Art Modell.
2. Baghdad Bob.
3. Baron Munchausen.
4. Maxwell Smart. ("Would you believe . . .")
5. Carmen Policy.
6. Butch Davis.
7. Roger Clemens, who, cross his heart and hope to die, stick a needle in his eye, mistook Mike Piazza's broken bat for the baseball.
8. Pinocchio.
9. Chris "C-Fib" Webber.
10. The serpent who told Eve it was OK to eat the apple.
11. Tommy Flanagan, the Jon Lovitz character on "Saturday Night Live."
12. Boozer and agent Rob Pelinka.
Truly Dumb Moves:
1. Art Modell firing Paul Brown.
2. You-know-who moving the team.
3. Anything Larry, Curly and Moe did.
4. Letting Boozer become a free agent.
5. Wayne Embry re-enacting that little known Robert Ludlum thriller, "The Ferry Imperative."
6. "Wrong Rim" Ricky hoisting one at the incorrect basket to pad his stats.
7. Trading up to draft Mike Junkin.
8. Ted Stepien hiring Bill Musselman.
9. Dime Beer Night.
10. Hey, Mike Hargrove! Let's not short-rest the starters!
11. Kicking: Charlie Brown. Holding: Lucy.
12. The Tribe signing Keith Hernandez. He worked on crossword puzzles in the trainer's room while malingering. What's a nine-letter word, beginning with "H" and ending with "z" for shiftless?
Why Cleveland Hasn't Won a Championship Since Hector's Dog Was a Pup:
1. Art Modell.
2. John Elway.
3. Jose Mesa.
4. Michael Jordan.
5. Red Right 88.
6. Jim Chones' broken foot.
7. "Trader Frank" Lane.
8. Dwight Clark.
9. Whatever defense Marty Schottenheimer was playing on "The Drive."
10. An owner like Gordon Gund.
11. A General Manager like Jim Paxson.
12. A player like Boozer.
All lists arranged in mostly random order of outrage, except for Modell.
Cleveland Plain Dealer
Nothing good on this list of bad, ugly
Friday, July 23, 2004
Top Local Turncoats:
1. Art Modell - Retire the trophy, already.
2. Carlos Boozer.
3. Albert Belle - Nipped by Boozer in a photo because Belle never pretended to be out for anyone except Belle.
4. George Steinbrenner - Captain of the Good Ship Cable Bounty. Architect of the Evil Empire. We've paid the Pipers for years for not turning the Tribe over to him.
5. Jim Thome - Swore to live here in the off-season. Big deal.
6. Manny Ramirez - Coming soon, the first steal of first base in the storied history of Fenway Park!
7. Milton Bradley - Former Tribe center fielder obviously hurt head sliding across street in 2003 TV promos.
8. David Modell - The knucklehead doesn't fall far from the tree.
9. Forrest Gregg.
10. Bill Belichick.
11. Bill Cowher. (I know, I know. It wasn't the fault of Nos. 9, 10 and 11 that they made this list. They were either not hired or were fired by Art Modell and went on to great success elsewhere.)
12. "Wrong Rim" Ricky Davis.
Top Generous Interpreters of the Truth:
1. Art Modell.
2. Baghdad Bob.
3. Baron Munchausen.
4. Maxwell Smart. ("Would you believe . . .")
5. Carmen Policy.
6. Butch Davis.
7. Roger Clemens, who, cross his heart and hope to die, stick a needle in his eye, mistook Mike Piazza's broken bat for the baseball.
8. Pinocchio.
9. Chris "C-Fib" Webber.
10. The serpent who told Eve it was OK to eat the apple.
11. Tommy Flanagan, the Jon Lovitz character on "Saturday Night Live."
12. Boozer and agent Rob Pelinka.
Truly Dumb Moves:
1. Art Modell firing Paul Brown.
2. You-know-who moving the team.
3. Anything Larry, Curly and Moe did.
4. Letting Boozer become a free agent.
5. Wayne Embry re-enacting that little known Robert Ludlum thriller, "The Ferry Imperative."
6. "Wrong Rim" Ricky hoisting one at the incorrect basket to pad his stats.
7. Trading up to draft Mike Junkin.
8. Ted Stepien hiring Bill Musselman.
9. Dime Beer Night.
10. Hey, Mike Hargrove! Let's not short-rest the starters!
11. Kicking: Charlie Brown. Holding: Lucy.
12. The Tribe signing Keith Hernandez. He worked on crossword puzzles in the trainer's room while malingering. What's a nine-letter word, beginning with "H" and ending with "z" for shiftless?
Why Cleveland Hasn't Won a Championship Since Hector's Dog Was a Pup:
1. Art Modell.
2. John Elway.
3. Jose Mesa.
4. Michael Jordan.
5. Red Right 88.
6. Jim Chones' broken foot.
7. "Trader Frank" Lane.
8. Dwight Clark.
9. Whatever defense Marty Schottenheimer was playing on "The Drive."
10. An owner like Gordon Gund.
11. A General Manager like Jim Paxson.
12. A player like Boozer.
All lists arranged in mostly random order of outrage, except for Modell.
