Christmas at Clem's
Twas the night before Christmas at Ol'Clems House,
And I was cooking a feast for the Seahag my spouse.
I had wrapped all the gifts each with a bow,
My brother in law Vinnie was hopped up on Blow.
The Christmas tree trimmed with empty beer cans,
But Ol' Clem's got a fresh one in one of his hands.
The Seahag looks decent with the money she spent,
Although the dress she bought could serve as a tent.
With a Devil Dog in one hand and a burger in the other,
I wish she was hooked on blow like like her hopped up brother.
At least she'd be slim like that sick little dude,
God knows I'd save thousands when buying her food.
With family and friends just an hour away,
Uncle Louie arrived whith his kid Sissy who's gay.
I ask Uncle Louie if he wants a beer,
Give me two he replies,and get a bowl of milk for the queer.
Meanwhile Vinnie was bouncing off the walls,
With The Seahags devil dogs gone she goes though withdrawals.
Screaming Obcenities the filthy beast,
As I add a special touch to my special feast.
A little warm mayo from yuletides passed,
Should fix all these ****ers up good and fast.
With only two toilets and a house full of guests,
It's a safe bet someones trousers get messed.
With visions of revenge clear in my head,
I call my host at the Taj and reserve a bed.
Revenge for what? You're sure to ask,
Thirty years in this family is more of a task,
That any one fat guy should have to endure,
A gigantic wife, a son in jail and my daughter the whore.
A strung out brother in law in a haze,
Who I'm convinced goes both ways.
Six crazy siblings let me report,
Who borrow from me like it's a sport.
Five uncles and an aunt each with a beard,
Nine nieces and nephews all of them weird.
A male dog named sparky who now takes it in the pooper,
I almost left out my neighbor the trooper.
Who has given me 5 tickets over the years,
One of them after I had a few beers.
Did he give me a break, not on your life,
But thats ok because I nailed his wife.
That was all back in the eighties,
When i had my looks and my mercedes.
So as my guests arrive cheerful and jolly,
My brothers Vinny,Pete,Joe and Wally,
Seem to know something is up my sleeve
But the bastards are all to dumb to leave.
And take their wives all pretty but simple,
Except for Janice who has a pimple,
That looks like it might blowup,
Pretty soon they'll all throw up.
That should happen right about the same time,
I've opened all my gifts and I'm passing them mine.
I can hardly wait to hear the fit,
When they figure out I got them shit.
I'll laugh mightilly as I hop in the car,
To A.C I head by way of the bar.
I'll hear the kids cry as I drive into night,
**** you Uncle Clem! You just ain't right.
A Clem D original
Christmas 2004
Twas the night before Christmas at Ol'Clems House,
And I was cooking a feast for the Seahag my spouse.
I had wrapped all the gifts each with a bow,
My brother in law Vinnie was hopped up on Blow.
The Christmas tree trimmed with empty beer cans,
But Ol' Clem's got a fresh one in one of his hands.
The Seahag looks decent with the money she spent,
Although the dress she bought could serve as a tent.
With a Devil Dog in one hand and a burger in the other,
I wish she was hooked on blow like like her hopped up brother.
At least she'd be slim like that sick little dude,
God knows I'd save thousands when buying her food.
With family and friends just an hour away,
Uncle Louie arrived whith his kid Sissy who's gay.
I ask Uncle Louie if he wants a beer,
Give me two he replies,and get a bowl of milk for the queer.
Meanwhile Vinnie was bouncing off the walls,
With The Seahags devil dogs gone she goes though withdrawals.
Screaming Obcenities the filthy beast,
As I add a special touch to my special feast.
A little warm mayo from yuletides passed,
Should fix all these ****ers up good and fast.
With only two toilets and a house full of guests,
It's a safe bet someones trousers get messed.
With visions of revenge clear in my head,
I call my host at the Taj and reserve a bed.
Revenge for what? You're sure to ask,
Thirty years in this family is more of a task,
That any one fat guy should have to endure,
A gigantic wife, a son in jail and my daughter the whore.
A strung out brother in law in a haze,
Who I'm convinced goes both ways.
Six crazy siblings let me report,
Who borrow from me like it's a sport.
Five uncles and an aunt each with a beard,
Nine nieces and nephews all of them weird.
A male dog named sparky who now takes it in the pooper,
I almost left out my neighbor the trooper.
Who has given me 5 tickets over the years,
One of them after I had a few beers.
Did he give me a break, not on your life,
But thats ok because I nailed his wife.
That was all back in the eighties,
When i had my looks and my mercedes.
So as my guests arrive cheerful and jolly,
My brothers Vinny,Pete,Joe and Wally,
Seem to know something is up my sleeve
But the bastards are all to dumb to leave.
And take their wives all pretty but simple,
Except for Janice who has a pimple,
That looks like it might blowup,
Pretty soon they'll all throw up.
That should happen right about the same time,
I've opened all my gifts and I'm passing them mine.
I can hardly wait to hear the fit,
When they figure out I got them shit.
I'll laugh mightilly as I hop in the car,
To A.C I head by way of the bar.
I'll hear the kids cry as I drive into night,
**** you Uncle Clem! You just ain't right.
A Clem D original
Christmas 2004
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