i stole them from another forum but, hell, they're good 
and i needed a laugh.
Three turtles decide to have a picnic. after packing their food and drinks and supplies, they head off but the picnic grounds are ten miles away and they can only travel one mile per day. After ten long days, they arrive at the picnic grounds and start to unpack. After a they have everything spread out around them, Carl notices that they don't have a bottle opener.
"Bob, where's the bottle opener," Carl asks.
"Don't ask me, I though Pete brought it. Pete, where's the bottle opener?"
"Don't look at me, you were supposed to bring it!"
So, the three turtles argue for a while but nothing gets resolved. They are all hungry and thirsty so finally they draw straws to see who has to go back for the bottle opener. Carl loses.
"If I go, you'll eat all the food! It will take me ten days to get there and ten days to get back and when I get back there won't be anything left for me!"
Pete and Bob promised Carl that they would wait for him to get back. The turtles argue for hours with Pete and Bob swearig to wait for Carl to get back. Finally, Carl agreed but he wasn't very happy about it. It was getting dark and they didn't want to wait any longer so Carl sets off while Bob and Pete packed everything back up.
Ten days went past and Bob and Pete kept their promise to Carl. Then fifteen days passed and sixteen, then twenty. Bob and Pete were getting VERY hungry but they had made a promis to Carl and they wanted to keep it. Finally, after thirty days of waiting for Carl to return, Pete and Bob realized that he wasn't coming back so they opened the picnic basket and started to spread out the food.
Then, just as Bob took a bite from his sandwich, Carl jumped out from behind a bush and yelled, "Hah! I knew it, I'm not [censored] going!"
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As a man was reading the newspaper, he came across an ad which claimed he could lose five, twenty or fifty pounds for only $10 per pound. The man was skeptical but he was desperate to slim down and decided to give it a shot, so he calls the number listed in the advertisement and tells them he wants to lose five pounds.
The next morning at 9 AM the man's doorbell rings and he answers it to find a smallish man in a business suit and a beautiful redhead in a tight shorts and a halter top. Immediately, he becomes aroused because this woman is <B>hot</B> with large, firm breasts and a tight tummy. The man in the suit says, "Sir, this is Renee and she is your weight loss counselor. The program is simple: if you catch her, you can [censored] her." The man in the suit turns and walks away. As soon as he is out of sight, Renee rips off her clothes and takes off into the house. The overweight man slams the door and begins to chase Renee. Well, it takes him a good hour to catch her and when he does he throws her down on the couch and they have insane animalistic sex all morning. As they are laying there panting, the man suddenly remembers that he was supposed to have lost five pounds, so he leaps up and runs into the bathroom to use his scale. Sure enough, he has lost exactly five pounds. The man is ecstatic and as soon as Renee has left, he calls the company again and tells them he wants to lose twenty more pounds.
The next morning at precisely 9 AM, his doorbell rings and he opens it to find the same short man in the business suit, this time accompanied by the sexiest and most desirable woman he has ever seen. Her face was perfect, with enormous blue eyes, high cheekbones and a lovely button nose. Her hair was long and blonde, shimmering in the morning sunlight and her body put her face and hair to shame. Every inch of her was tight and hard, from her flat stomach to her amazing dancer's legs. She had a huge chest and the best ass the man had ever seen. After five seconds of looking at this woman, the man already had a raging hardon. The gentleman in the suit said, "Sir, this is Lisa and if you catch her you can [censored] her." The man in the suit then turns and leaves.
Lisa rips off the skimpy lingerie she is wearing and the chase is on. The man chases her upstairs, downstairs and all around his house. The chase goes on for hours and it is early afternoon before the man finally catches Lisa. When he does get his hands on her, he takes her right there on the floor of his kitchen. They do it on all the furniture in every imaginable position and it is late afternoon before they finish. Immediately, the man staggers into his bathroom and gets on his scale. Exactly twenty pounds lost!
The man decides to go for the gold and lose the last 50 pounds he's been wanting to get rid of. He makes the phone call and is given his usual 9 AM appointment.
The next morning, the man in the suit arrives on the doorstep. This time, however, he is accompanied by an enormous, smelly gorilla. The fat man opens the door and demands, "What the hell is this?" The man in the suit replies, "Sir, this is Bobo and if he catches you he is going to [censored] you."
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========================================
A woman wakes in the middle of the night to find her husband's side of the bed empty. The woman throws on her robe and heads downstairs where she finds her husband sitting at the kitchen table looking off into space.
"Honey, what's wrong," the woman asks.
After a moment, the husband replies: "Do you remember all those years ago, when we were dating and you were only sixteen years old?"
"Yes, I remember," the wife replies, smiling at the memories of their youth.
"Do you remember when your father caught us making love in my car?"
The wife sits down next to her husband and takes his hand in hers, "Oh, yes, I remember that."
"Do you remember how he shoved that gun in my face and told me I was either going to marry you or he would see me thrown in jail for twenty years?"
Softly, the wife replies, "I remember."
Wiping moisture from his cheek, the husband blinks back the tears brimming in his eyes and says wistfully, "I would have gotten out today."
and i needed a laugh.
Three turtles decide to have a picnic. after packing their food and drinks and supplies, they head off but the picnic grounds are ten miles away and they can only travel one mile per day. After ten long days, they arrive at the picnic grounds and start to unpack. After a they have everything spread out around them, Carl notices that they don't have a bottle opener.
"Bob, where's the bottle opener," Carl asks.
"Don't ask me, I though Pete brought it. Pete, where's the bottle opener?"
"Don't look at me, you were supposed to bring it!"
So, the three turtles argue for a while but nothing gets resolved. They are all hungry and thirsty so finally they draw straws to see who has to go back for the bottle opener. Carl loses.
"If I go, you'll eat all the food! It will take me ten days to get there and ten days to get back and when I get back there won't be anything left for me!"
Pete and Bob promised Carl that they would wait for him to get back. The turtles argue for hours with Pete and Bob swearig to wait for Carl to get back. Finally, Carl agreed but he wasn't very happy about it. It was getting dark and they didn't want to wait any longer so Carl sets off while Bob and Pete packed everything back up.
Ten days went past and Bob and Pete kept their promise to Carl. Then fifteen days passed and sixteen, then twenty. Bob and Pete were getting VERY hungry but they had made a promis to Carl and they wanted to keep it. Finally, after thirty days of waiting for Carl to return, Pete and Bob realized that he wasn't coming back so they opened the picnic basket and started to spread out the food.
Then, just as Bob took a bite from his sandwich, Carl jumped out from behind a bush and yelled, "Hah! I knew it, I'm not [censored] going!"
========================================
========================================
As a man was reading the newspaper, he came across an ad which claimed he could lose five, twenty or fifty pounds for only $10 per pound. The man was skeptical but he was desperate to slim down and decided to give it a shot, so he calls the number listed in the advertisement and tells them he wants to lose five pounds.
The next morning at 9 AM the man's doorbell rings and he answers it to find a smallish man in a business suit and a beautiful redhead in a tight shorts and a halter top. Immediately, he becomes aroused because this woman is <B>hot</B> with large, firm breasts and a tight tummy. The man in the suit says, "Sir, this is Renee and she is your weight loss counselor. The program is simple: if you catch her, you can [censored] her." The man in the suit turns and walks away. As soon as he is out of sight, Renee rips off her clothes and takes off into the house. The overweight man slams the door and begins to chase Renee. Well, it takes him a good hour to catch her and when he does he throws her down on the couch and they have insane animalistic sex all morning. As they are laying there panting, the man suddenly remembers that he was supposed to have lost five pounds, so he leaps up and runs into the bathroom to use his scale. Sure enough, he has lost exactly five pounds. The man is ecstatic and as soon as Renee has left, he calls the company again and tells them he wants to lose twenty more pounds.
The next morning at precisely 9 AM, his doorbell rings and he opens it to find the same short man in the business suit, this time accompanied by the sexiest and most desirable woman he has ever seen. Her face was perfect, with enormous blue eyes, high cheekbones and a lovely button nose. Her hair was long and blonde, shimmering in the morning sunlight and her body put her face and hair to shame. Every inch of her was tight and hard, from her flat stomach to her amazing dancer's legs. She had a huge chest and the best ass the man had ever seen. After five seconds of looking at this woman, the man already had a raging hardon. The gentleman in the suit said, "Sir, this is Lisa and if you catch her you can [censored] her." The man in the suit then turns and leaves.
Lisa rips off the skimpy lingerie she is wearing and the chase is on. The man chases her upstairs, downstairs and all around his house. The chase goes on for hours and it is early afternoon before the man finally catches Lisa. When he does get his hands on her, he takes her right there on the floor of his kitchen. They do it on all the furniture in every imaginable position and it is late afternoon before they finish. Immediately, the man staggers into his bathroom and gets on his scale. Exactly twenty pounds lost!
The man decides to go for the gold and lose the last 50 pounds he's been wanting to get rid of. He makes the phone call and is given his usual 9 AM appointment.
The next morning, the man in the suit arrives on the doorstep. This time, however, he is accompanied by an enormous, smelly gorilla. The fat man opens the door and demands, "What the hell is this?" The man in the suit replies, "Sir, this is Bobo and if he catches you he is going to [censored] you."
========================================
========================================
A woman wakes in the middle of the night to find her husband's side of the bed empty. The woman throws on her robe and heads downstairs where she finds her husband sitting at the kitchen table looking off into space.
"Honey, what's wrong," the woman asks.
After a moment, the husband replies: "Do you remember all those years ago, when we were dating and you were only sixteen years old?"
"Yes, I remember," the wife replies, smiling at the memories of their youth.
"Do you remember when your father caught us making love in my car?"
The wife sits down next to her husband and takes his hand in hers, "Oh, yes, I remember that."
"Do you remember how he shoved that gun in my face and told me I was either going to marry you or he would see me thrown in jail for twenty years?"
Softly, the wife replies, "I remember."
Wiping moisture from his cheek, the husband blinks back the tears brimming in his eyes and says wistfully, "I would have gotten out today."
