why you never question a drunk...

[gardenweasel]

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this
proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"

 

[gardenweasel]

Two blondes decided to go out to the county for a hike and to enjoy nature. They were walking along and admiring all of beauty of the countryside.

Suddenly one blonde looks down and says, "Oh! look! Deer tracks!"

The second blonde says, "Those are not deer tracks, they are rabbit tracks."

The first blonde says, "No they are deer tracks. There are lots of deer out here."

The second blonde says, "My father goes hunting all the time, those are rabbit tracks."

The first blonde says, "They are too large to be rabbit tracks"

The second blonde says, "I have a book on animals, they are deer tracks"

They argued back and forth like that until the train hit them...

:rimshot

 

[gardenweasel]

a mushroom walks into a bar......


mushroom (to bartender): i'll have a beer.

bartender: i'm sorry, i can't serve you.

mushroom: why not? ..i'm a "fun guy"...


:s2: ...

 

[gardenweasel]

Q: mccain, obama, and hillary are in a boat....
the boat sinks...who survives?..













A: america

 

[gardenweasel]

ed was in trouble. ...he forgot his wedding anniversary. ...his wife was really upset....she told him "tomorrow morning i expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 250 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."...

the next morning ed got up early and left for work....when his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway....

confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.....

she opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.....

 

[gardenweasel]

a bear walks into a bar and orders a drink...

brtender/"we don't serve bears here. get out."
not easily deterred, the bear again asks for a drink and again is denied...

"look." says the bear, "either serve me a drink or i'll eat that barfly at the end of the bar."..

the bartender refuses, so the bear ambles down to the end of the bar and devours the poor woman...

"well," said the bear, "what do you think of that?"..

"i told you before, we don't serve bears and we don't serve drug addicts."...

"whatever are you talking about," said the bear. "i'm no drug addict."..

"oh yeah?" said the bartender. "what about that `bar bitch you ate`?"....




:rimshot

 

[Cie]

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this
proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"

:mj07: :mj07:

 

[Morris]

a mushroom walks into a bar......


mushroom (to bartender): i'll have a beer.

bartender: i'm sorry, i can't serve you.

mushroom: why not? ..i'm a "fun guy"...


:s2: ...

 

[vinnie]

:mj07::mj07: :mj07:

 

[yyz]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As he's having his drink, he notices a bowl of nuts, and one of the nuts says to him, "That's a wonderful looking shirt you have on, sir!"

A few minutes later, another one of the nuts says, "You're a rather handsome fellow, sir."

Finally, the guy asks the bartender, "What's the story on these nuts?"

"Oh.....They're complimentary."

 

[Kanuck]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As he's having his drink, he notices a bowl of nuts, and one of the nuts says to him, "That's a wonderful looking shirt you have on, sir!"

A few minutes later, another one of the nuts says, "You're a rather handsome fellow, sir."

Finally, the guy asks the bartender, "What's the story on these nuts?"

"Oh.....They're complimentary."

Thanks

 

[yyz]

No, no........Thank you!

 

[MadJack]

a hotdog walks in a bar and orders a drink. bartender says; sorry we don't serve food here.

:SIB

 

[Morris]

a hotdog walks in a bar and orders a drink. bartender says; sorry we don't serve food here.

:SIB

Jackie..:shrug:

 

[lostinamerica]

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation for sex with his wife.

Johnny's father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously ?What ya doin?, dad??

His father quickly replied, ?I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed?.

To which Little Johnny replied, ?What ya gonna do, f*ck him??

___________________________________


A woman in her fifties is at home, happily jumping and bouncing, naked, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks,
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think, I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of a 20 year-old."

The husband replies,

"What did he say about your 55-year old ass ?"

She replied,

"Your name never came up."

______________________________________


Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. He says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice near the front pierces the silence: "Well, stop f*cking clapping then."

_______________________________________



A Catholic priest and a rabbi are walking down the street one day when they see a pair of angelic-looking 12-year-old boys playing football in the park.

The priest turns to the rabbi, nudges him in the ribs and says:

"I tell you what; lets go and screw those boys?.

The rabbi looked at him curiously and answered:

"Out of what?"

________________________________________

Why do Jews watch porn films backwards?

They love the bit where the prostitute gives the money back.



A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "f*ck off! You won't bring it back."



What's yellow and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono.




A Chinaman goes to see an optician. The optician tells him "Sir, you've got a cataract."
A little surprised, the Chinaman says...."No, I drive a Lincoln Continental."



I was asked to run a marathon and I said no chance.
Then I was told it was for disabled and blind kids and I thought, "f*ck it. I could win that!"



A spastic kid walks in to an ice cream shop and asks for an ice cream.
Shop keeper asks, "What flavor?"
Spastic kid says, "It doesn't matter, I'll only drop it on the pavement outside the shop anyway".

________________________________________



A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says,

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"

"OK" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, shit mom, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Cocoa Krispies".

WHACK!! His mom smacks him across the mouth, he flies out of his chair on to the kitchen floor, he gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But it won't be f*cking Cocoa Krispies."

______________________________________


"I'm afraid it's bad news... you haven't got long to live"

"How long, Doc??"

"Ten."

"Jeez, Doc. Ten what? Months? Weeks?"

"Nine..."

_______________________________________


GL

 

[MadJack]

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation for sex with his wife.

Johnny's father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously ?What ya doin?, dad??

His father quickly replied, ?I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed?.

To which Little Johnny replied, ?What ya gonna do, f*ck him??

:mj07: :mj07: coffee all over my screeen and keyboard :mj07:

 

[DOGS THAT BARK]

Little Johnnies neighbor had a baby boy--perfect baby except was born without any ears.

After a week Johnies dad decides time to pay family visit.Before they go over he sits Johnny down and tells him the baby has no ears and doesn't want any smartass comments--in fact tells Johnny he'll bust his ass when they get home if he even says the word ears.

They arrive and Johnnies mother and dad are very complimentory towards baby and Johnny never utters a word. Babies mother finally asks- well what do you think Johnny--Johnny looks over at dad, puases and remarks--Better hope he never needs glasses.

 

[zig]

:mj07: :mj07: coffee all over my screeen and keyboard :mj07:

me too!:mj07:

 

[gardenweasel]

[QUOTE=lostinamerica;A Catholic priest and a rabbi are walking down the street one day when they see a pair of angelic-looking 12-year-old boys playing football in the park.

The priest turns to the rabbi, nudges him in the ribs and says:

"I tell you what; lets go and screw those boys?.

The rabbi looked at him curiously and answered:

"Out of what?"

________________________________________

Why do Jews watch porn films backwards?

They love the bit where the prostitute gives the money back.



A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "f*ck off! You won't bring it back."



What's yellow and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono.




A Chinaman goes to see an optician. The optician tells him "Sir, you've got a cataract."
A little surprised, the Chinaman says...."No, I drive a Lincoln Continental."



I was asked to run a marathon and I said no chance.
Then I was told it was for disabled and blind kids and I thought, "f*ck it. I could win that!"



A spastic kid walks in to an ice cream shop and asks for an ice cream.
Shop keeper asks, "What flavor?"
Spastic kid says, "It doesn't matter, I'll only drop it on the pavement outside the shop anyway".

________________________________________

:rimshot

you go l.i.a....(weasel snaps his fingers 3 times back and forth in front of face)...

:142smilie


btw...that would have been even funnier if the line had read,"...."No, I drive a Rincoln Continental."