A presidential campaign for 'idol' minds
Thursday, May 15, 2008
By Samantha Bennett, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
Welcome to "American President 2020," the show that brings hi-def democracy into your home and lets you vote without getting off the couch or even being fully conscious.
Tonight we're down to just three candidates. Before we start, let's recap the campaign so far for those who haven't had a chance to catch up on the primary rounds you TiVo'd.
Our judges traveled the nation for months, sitting through some excruciating auditions! Some of these eggheads launch into their domestic agendas and historical wonkery without even realizing that they are completely tone deaf. How can you mobilize your base without a decent haircut?
Last week, we saw the elimination of Delaware Congressman Roger Scrott. The judges were intrigued by his comprehensive health care reform plan and would have liked to hear more of that, but in terms of performance style, Roger had the charisma of a flattened squirrel. He finished in the bottom three all through April, and the eagle tattoo was too little, too late.
Old timers will remember that we used to choose a president via a tedious ordeal of state primaries and televised debates that were boring and complicated and were really just filler between the exciting scandals. Now, we make it easy -- and fun! -- to let the people have their say. Our judges narrow it down to a dozen candidates for you, and you get to see them perform in a way that speaks to you, not to a roomful of foreign policy experts or nitpicking, biased journalists or other effete intellectual sissies who think they know things just because they've studied them.
And then you vote -- with your phone. Vote at home, at the office, while driving, even on the can! It's just what the Founding Fathers dreamed of, when they'd had really bad moonshine.
So let's say hello to our three judges for "American President 2020": Jenna Bush Hager, Lindsay Lohan and, of course, Simon Cowell!
Our finalist candidates have made it this far because they are fan favorites. All three rocked last week in the "Who's Less Elite?" competition.
Earlier in the season, we saw video of all of them eating pancakes at a diner with people in flannel shirts and clumsily milking cows. But now the stakes are higher, and all three rose to the challenge.
Vice President Chelsea Clinton spent an afternoon in Texas laying pipe and watching football, Congressman Stephen Colbert got a waitress pregnant, and Connecticut Sen. Timothy Huntington, fighting a big disadvantage as a Princeton-educated former state Supreme Court justice and native New Englander, hung on by field-dressing a buck and doing a respectable ring job on a Harley.
We like 'em common -- only an American is strong enough to talk with his mouth full or hock a loogie on state occasions! -- and we like 'em tough. Later in the show, we'll be bringing you the Toughness Trial. Stephen is going to put on a flight suit and hang from a helicopter. Sen. Huntington promises to kick an immigrant in the groin, and I believe the vice president plans to wrestle a bear.
So you'll want to stay tuned for that! But first, a little substantive debate. Bring out the contestants, and let's talk about the issues!
CLINTON: My fellow Americans and judges. It has come to my attention that Stephen Colbert is not a real, loyal American. We have proof on video that he can't hit the high notes in the national anthem!
COLBERT: That's outrageous! That's a totally specious, ridiculous slur against a true American patriot! NO ONE can hit the high notes in the national anthem! At least I know the Pledge of Allegiance, and I have never burned a flag -- unlike Sen. Huntington here, who actually participated in a flag-burning!
HUNTINGTON: What? I never burned a flag! I took a couple of old ones to the VFW, and they burned them! The flags were old and ratty, and that's how you're supposed to dispose of them!
COLBERT: 'Ratty'? Are you calling Old Glory 'ratty'?
HUNTINGTON: No! Look -- I have evidence that Vice President Clinton was once in the same book club as a blacklisted screenwriter.
CLINTON: I was in college! He was a nice old man!
COLBERT: You were in a book club?!
We'll be back with more after the commercial break. Get ready for some singing! Our contestants will be performing their favorite patriotic music and hymns.
Because what we need most from our president is a good, convincing song and dance.
Samantha Bennett can be reached at sbennett@post-gazette.com or 412-263-3572.
First published on May 15, 2008 at 11:56 am
Thursday, May 15, 2008
By Samantha Bennett, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
Welcome to "American President 2020," the show that brings hi-def democracy into your home and lets you vote without getting off the couch or even being fully conscious.
Tonight we're down to just three candidates. Before we start, let's recap the campaign so far for those who haven't had a chance to catch up on the primary rounds you TiVo'd.
Our judges traveled the nation for months, sitting through some excruciating auditions! Some of these eggheads launch into their domestic agendas and historical wonkery without even realizing that they are completely tone deaf. How can you mobilize your base without a decent haircut?
Last week, we saw the elimination of Delaware Congressman Roger Scrott. The judges were intrigued by his comprehensive health care reform plan and would have liked to hear more of that, but in terms of performance style, Roger had the charisma of a flattened squirrel. He finished in the bottom three all through April, and the eagle tattoo was too little, too late.
Old timers will remember that we used to choose a president via a tedious ordeal of state primaries and televised debates that were boring and complicated and were really just filler between the exciting scandals. Now, we make it easy -- and fun! -- to let the people have their say. Our judges narrow it down to a dozen candidates for you, and you get to see them perform in a way that speaks to you, not to a roomful of foreign policy experts or nitpicking, biased journalists or other effete intellectual sissies who think they know things just because they've studied them.
And then you vote -- with your phone. Vote at home, at the office, while driving, even on the can! It's just what the Founding Fathers dreamed of, when they'd had really bad moonshine.
So let's say hello to our three judges for "American President 2020": Jenna Bush Hager, Lindsay Lohan and, of course, Simon Cowell!
Our finalist candidates have made it this far because they are fan favorites. All three rocked last week in the "Who's Less Elite?" competition.
Earlier in the season, we saw video of all of them eating pancakes at a diner with people in flannel shirts and clumsily milking cows. But now the stakes are higher, and all three rose to the challenge.
Vice President Chelsea Clinton spent an afternoon in Texas laying pipe and watching football, Congressman Stephen Colbert got a waitress pregnant, and Connecticut Sen. Timothy Huntington, fighting a big disadvantage as a Princeton-educated former state Supreme Court justice and native New Englander, hung on by field-dressing a buck and doing a respectable ring job on a Harley.
We like 'em common -- only an American is strong enough to talk with his mouth full or hock a loogie on state occasions! -- and we like 'em tough. Later in the show, we'll be bringing you the Toughness Trial. Stephen is going to put on a flight suit and hang from a helicopter. Sen. Huntington promises to kick an immigrant in the groin, and I believe the vice president plans to wrestle a bear.
So you'll want to stay tuned for that! But first, a little substantive debate. Bring out the contestants, and let's talk about the issues!
CLINTON: My fellow Americans and judges. It has come to my attention that Stephen Colbert is not a real, loyal American. We have proof on video that he can't hit the high notes in the national anthem!
COLBERT: That's outrageous! That's a totally specious, ridiculous slur against a true American patriot! NO ONE can hit the high notes in the national anthem! At least I know the Pledge of Allegiance, and I have never burned a flag -- unlike Sen. Huntington here, who actually participated in a flag-burning!
HUNTINGTON: What? I never burned a flag! I took a couple of old ones to the VFW, and they burned them! The flags were old and ratty, and that's how you're supposed to dispose of them!
COLBERT: 'Ratty'? Are you calling Old Glory 'ratty'?
HUNTINGTON: No! Look -- I have evidence that Vice President Clinton was once in the same book club as a blacklisted screenwriter.
CLINTON: I was in college! He was a nice old man!
COLBERT: You were in a book club?!
We'll be back with more after the commercial break. Get ready for some singing! Our contestants will be performing their favorite patriotic music and hymns.
Because what we need most from our president is a good, convincing song and dance.
Samantha Bennett can be reached at sbennett@post-gazette.com or 412-263-3572.
First published on May 15, 2008 at 11:56 am
