a quick poll--need some input

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These are some jokes sent in by some of our friends.
Please send us your Craic.

Let?em DigAn old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......" 


Blue ParrotThere was this fella with a parrot.

His parrot would swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth was driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, The bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes.

Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"


Golfing in IrelandE. Perkins
An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. ?I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods; and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a priest in a small parish."
HeavenlyE. Perkins
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.?

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Tis the Season to be jolly ...La la La la lah la lah lah lahThree men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
?It represents a candle,? he said.

?You may pass through the pearly gates? Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said ?you may pass through the pearly gates.?

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."
Two ReindeerThe game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and was about to answer the final question ? worth 500 points!

"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."

The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and ... Olive!"

The studio audience started to applaud (which the little sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling. The confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain 'Olive'?"

"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

 

[IntenseOperator]

These are some jokes sent in by some of our friends.
Please send us your Craic.

Small ProblemA man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm skrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
A Clue for the LooA thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
Silent TreatmentA man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 a.m. for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silene (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper... "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife had not wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Drunk Again Flynnfrom E. Perkins
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.

He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt.

His wife Mary was staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?

Flynn said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Catholic Gasfrom Conny Cones
Sister Mary ran out of gas. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of the them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

Bill & Hillary Play Ballsent by B. Obama
Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee season opener sitting in the in the first row, with the Secret Service agents directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back , and shakes his head.

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was at the unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner on down to the bat boy." Bill hesitates but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it!

Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, if that's what the people want." With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "I'll kill you! You *%$%**!!!...

The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing his agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong. The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first 'Pitch'.

 

[IntenseOperator]

These are some jokes sent in by some of our friends.
Please send us your Craic.

The Very First Ever Blonde GUY Joke.forwarded to us from Debbie McComick
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."


Wife From Hellforwarded to us by Conny Cones
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."
Subject: Wine John Mullen of the Boulder Irish music session wrote:
I am sending this on to educate and edify....

Subject: Wine

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

WATER = Poo
WINE = Health

Ergo: It is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of crap. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I am doing it as a public service.

 

[IntenseOperator]

10 Steps to Being a Better Husband
Turn off the autopilot and start feeding your marriage.
By Craig Playstead
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More From the '10 Best' Guide
10 Great Guy Books
Slideshow: 10 Best Guy Foods
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Everyone worries too much about bills, getting the kids off to school, and why the dog keeps peeing on the carpet. It's time to light that fire again and remind her of all the reasons why she married you to begin with. Here are 10 steps that will get you on your way to husband of the year (and for the flipside of this list, check out "10 Ways to Be a Better Wife").

1) Take an interest in something your wife is really passionate about.
This can be especially tough for guys, because we generally feel that if someone else has interests that differ from ours, they're morons. It's not an easy task, and being able to show interest in something that matters to someone you love shows growth?and that's terrifying. Good, but terrifying. Accomplish this and you'll make her feel better about herself, and you get better insight into what makes her tick.

2) Put the kids to bed.
Once a week give her the night off and put the kids to bed by yourself. Let her take a hot bath, read a book, or check gossip on the Web and forget about the kids. I'm always amazed how happy this makes my wife. It ranks somewhere between low-end jewelry and a Hawaiian vacation.

3) Learn to apologize.
This is the easiest one, and the hardest one. A marriage is a marathon, and we all fly off the handle too quick or let our temper get the best of us sometimes. When you're wrong, it's best to step up and apologize. It's amazing how fast "I'm sorry" can defuse a stupid argument about something you can't even remember.

4) Thank her for putting up with you.
Every once in a while, just thank her for putting up with you. That's all you have to say. Don't launch into a list of your faults, or the story about coming home two days late from that Vegas bachelor party. Just thank her, and let her know that you understand that you're not the easiest person in the world to live with.

5) Clean up after yourself.
Take care of that late night snack or morning cereal bowl. Setting them in the sink is one thing, but go that extra mile and actually put them in the dishwasher. After all, no one enjoys scraping bacon dip off a bowl that's been sitting too long or smelling the chili from the night before. A beer bottle on the counter the next morning is even worse.

6) Make time for just the two of you.
Take her on a date once a month. Surprise her by arranging child care, ordering a pizza for the kids, and getting a sitter. She will be so thrilled at your ability to take care of the details that reservations at the best restaurant in town aren't even necessary. The fact that you love her enough to do this would make a Big Mac taste like cracked crab.

7) Groom yourself.
Don't embarrass her when you venture out of the house. Check the ears, nose, neck and yes, feet for hair or other growths that shouldn't be there. She not only wants you to impress her friends by how you act, but also by how you look.

8) Get away from the family.
Yep, you're getting a free pass. This takes a left turn from the others, but it's essential. Get away from all your responsibilities and go camping or on a golf outing with the guys. You'll laugh, relax, and recharge your batteries. And all three will make you a much better husband when you return.



More From the '10 Best' Guide
10 Great Guy Books
Slideshow: 10 Best Guy Foods
10 Things You Need in Your Closet
10 Numbers You Need on Speed Dial

9) Deal with your side of the family.
Help your wife set expectations with your side of the family when it comes to making plans. Don't make her inform your parents that they won't be seeing their grandkids on Christmas this year?pick up the phone and do it yourself. Dealing with extended family can be a huge stress throughout the year, and you don't want the burden to fall entirely on her.

10) Don't lose your dating manners.
Remember, she's your wife, not one of your buddies. Don't burp during dinner, or squeeze one out during the movie as she's reaching for the popcorn. You wouldn't have done that while you were dating, and you shouldn't do it now. Continue to try and impress her. Do everything you can to keep the fire alive, and fight the urge to let the passion die. Find the new, hot place to eat or take her to see a cool band that's in town. Have fun, laugh, and make sure you tell her how great she looks.

 

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYu68SHWh64

 

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[IntenseOperator]

Brady's great, but imagine vintage Marino and today's rules

New England's Tom Brady has been so dominant that he got us thinking about his place in history. We already know he's enjoyed one of the best years ever for an NFL quarterback. But now it's time to ponder how his performance stacks up against all the greatest accomplishments in the history of the league. By the way, this is what we do when we're graced with such brilliance. We feel compelled to investigate its significance from every possible angle.



After all, how do we determine the best individual years ever in the NFL? Some people think it all comes down to the players who possess the best numbers. Others view context as being more critical, especially when some players -- like O.J. Simpson and Jerry Rice -- set records that have been surpassed by players who've played in more games than they did. And finally there are the short-sighted types who get so caught up in offensive fireworks that they forget to even mention players on defense (fortunately we didn't make that mistake).




So here's what we think about the matter of who enjoyed the greatest seasons since the AFL-NFL merger in 1970 . We're sure you'll have your own opinions:


1. Dan Marino, Miami, 1984: Marino used his second NFL season to terrorize opposing defenses on a weekly basis. Blessed with a quick release and a rocket right arm, he produced a season-long performance that required its own section in the league record books once he was done. Marino set NFL marks for yards (he became the first player to pass for 5,000 yards in a season with 5,084) and touchdown passes (he blew away the old mark of 36 with 48 of his own) and he led the Dolphins to a spot in that year's Super Bowl. Marino's Hall of Fame career included many great seasons but nothing ever came close to those feats.

In fact, there is one chief reason his performance still ranks better than those produced more recently by Indianapolis' Peyton Manning and New England's Tom Brady: The application of the rules was different. Both Manning and Brady benefited from the league's decision in March 2004 to place a greater emphasis on enforcing the illegal contact rule, which penalizes defenders who touched receivers more than five yards away from the line of scrimmage. If Marino had that advantage going for him, nobody would've ever matched the season he produced 24 years ago.

(John McDonough/Icon SMI)

The 1984 Rams' offense was one-dimensional. But what a dimension: Eric Dickerson.


2. Eric Dickerson, Los Angeles Rams, 1984: All you have to know about Dickerson's record-breaking season -- he gained 2,105 rushing yards that year -- is that the Rams didn't have much of a passing game. Their offense hinged primarily on Dickerson's running right, Dickerson's running left and Dickerson's running just about everywhere else in between. That he generated that much yardage is a testament to the men who blocked for him and the remarkable skills he was blessed with. The man was one of the best pure runners the NFL has ever seen.


Some skeptics complain that Dickerson needed 15 games to reach the 2,000-yard mark -- while O.J. Simpson did it in just 14 games back in 1973 -- but Dickerson was both spectacular and steady. As proof, just consider that Dickerson set a record that year by eclipsing the 100-yard mark 12 times that season. You don't do that by getting extra touches. And you don't hold that record for rushing yardage as long as Dickerson has without doing something truly special.


3. Peyton Manning, Indianapolis, 2004: No quarterback in NFL history has ever been as efficient over a full season as Manning was during this campaign. Yes, he gained most of his notoriety by throwing an NFL-record 49 touchdown passes. But another league mark that Manning snapped that season --- his passer rating of 121.1 eclipsed the record set by former 49ers quarterback Steve Young -- was just as remarkable. It basically meant that Manning didn't have a performance that was less than excellent all season.



Manning was so hot that he set league records by throwing at least four touchdown passes in five straight games and producing six overall games with at least four scoring tosses. However, the really scary part is what he could have done with more action. Because the Colts sat him in the fourth quarters of at least five blowout wins and for nearly all of a meaningless, season-ending finale against Arizona, Manning attempted 497 passes (compared to 578 for New England's Tom Brady this season). With a few more opportunities, Manning would've set records that would never be touched.



4. Tom Brady, New England, 2007: Most people expected Brady to be his usually reliable self when the Patriots added wide receivers Randy Moss, Wes Welker and Donte Stallworth to their roster last offseason. But few could've predicted the assault that he'd make on the NFL record book once the regular season began. It wasn't just that Brady made history with his 50 touchdown passes and his streak of 10 consecutive games with at least three scoring tosses. The man's focus never waned as the Patriots stormed to a perfect regular season.


Along with the touchdown passes, Brady set a career-low for interceptions (eight) and he also led the NFL in passing yards (4,806) and passer rating (117.2). Combine those numbers with the fact that New England became the first team to go 16-0 during the regular season and you get a year that will never be forgotten. Brady was easily the best big-game quarterback of his generation before this season arrived. Now that it's nearly over, he's given us ample reason to believe he might be the NFL's best signal-caller ever by the time he's finished.

5. LaDainian Tomlinson, San Diego, 2006: The NFL has seen other backs go on crazy scoring streaks in recent memory -- specifically, Dallas' Emmitt Smith and Seattle's Shaun Alexander. They never achieved like Tomlinson did last season. He set league marks for rushing touchdowns (28), total touchdowns (31) and points (186) in one season. He also threw a pair of touchdown passes.

Overall, Tomlinson set 13 league records during his remarkable year but that isn't even the amazing part. What is truly jaw-dropping is how dominant Tomlinson became in the second half of that year.

In retrospect, Tomlinson actually scored 23 of his touchdowns in just eight contests. He scored only eight times in his first six games of that year and he didn't produce a touchdown in his final two contests. By the way, Tomlinson also led the league in rushing (1,815 yards) while compiling 2,323 total yards. That last number ranks as the sixth-highest total in league history.

George Rose/Getty Images

In 1987, Jerry Rice scored 23 touchdowns in just 12 games.



6. Jerry Rice, San Francisco, 1987: Rice is another player on this list who has enjoyed so many phenomenal campaigns that it's hard to pin down one season among others. But 1987 stands out for one reason: his production in an abbreviated amount of time. Even with a players' strike limiting Rice to 12 games, he still managed to produce an NFL-record 22 touchdown receptions. He also scored 23 touchdowns overall, a total that was one shy of tying the single-season record John Riggins held at the time.

Of course, some people might argue that Rice had years when his numbers were more prolific in other areas -- for example, he caught 122 passes for a league-record 1,848 yards and 15 touchdowns in 1995 -- but there are plenty of receivers who have tons of receptions and yards. The really special ones get into the end zone. And since it took New England's Randy Moss all of 16 games to break Rice's record, we'll say the old man belongs on this list. By the way, Rice also won the league's Most Valuable Player award that year.


7. Lawrence Taylor, New York Giants, 1986: Taylor enjoyed several great seasons in New York but nothing he did in that town compared to what happened in this year. He produced a career-high 20.5 sacks, for one thing. He also added 105 tackles, five pass deflections and two forced fumbles. The man was so brilliant that it wasn't merely enough to name him Defensive Player of the Year. He also became the first defender to win NFL Most Valuable Player honors since Minnesota's Alan Page did it in 1971.



Taylor's dominance didn't end with the regular season, either. He helped lead the Giants through the playoffs -- they outscored their NFC opponents, San Francisco and Washington, 66-3 -- and on to a 39-20 win over Denver in that season's Super Bowl.




8. O.J. Simpson, Buffalo, 1973: It would be easy to say that Baltimore's Jamal Lewis or Detroit's Barry Sanders belongs on this list -- Lewis gained 2,066 yards in 2003 while Sanders amassed 2,053 yards in 1997 -- but Simpson deserves credit for this ground-breaking campaign. When Simpson gained 2,003 rushing yards in 1973, it was one of the most amazing moments in sports. He was the first running back to ever hit the 2,000-yard mark and none of the four players who've accomplished that feat since has done it in 14 games. In fact, it's still a safe bet that no other runner will be that productive in as short a time span.



Simpson's season is all the more impressive because of how it ended. He actually had 1,584 yards going into the final two weeks of that season but his offensive line cleared enough room for him to reach the record books. He gained 219 yards against New England before churning out another 200 against the New York Jets in the finale. That effort alone should tell us how extraordinary Simpson was.


[+] EnlargeJayne Oncea/Icon SMI

Oakland's Lester Hayes was best avoided in 1980 -- that is, if you could tear yourself away from him.

9. Lester Hayes, Oakland, 1980: No cornerback has ever dominated the NFL as Hayes did during this year. True, he had a lot of help from a substance known as Stickum but the numbers still blow you away. The man intercepted 13 passes and generated 273 return yards on his way to winning the league's Defensive Player of the Year award. It's an understatement to say that teams feared throwing the ball in Hayes' direction as that year played out. After a certain point, the very notion bordered on sheer stupidity.

To understand how good Hayes was, just think about what he did once the Raiders made the postseason. He intercepted five more passes in the playoffs. He returned two of those picks for touchdowns. And though he didn't intercept a pass in the Raiders' 27-10 win over Philadelphia in that season's Super Bowl, he still allowed only two receptions to the receivers he covered. That's about as good as it gets.

10. Reggie White, Philadelphia, 1987: White's name isn't in the record books for most sacks in a single season -- that mark currently belongs to the New York Giants' Michael Strahan -- but he clearly would have that record if this had been a normal year. Thanks to the same players' strike that affected Rice, White appeared in only 12 games that season. That happened to be just enough time for him to record 21 sacks, which is an astonishing number when considering Strahan's total of 22? came over a full 16 games. But that's how good White was in his prime. Even unfortunate circumstances couldn't hold him back.


Looking back, White's season was destined for greatness from the moment it began. In the season opener, he sacked Washington Redskins quarterback Doug Williams, forced a fumble and returned the ball 70 yards for a touchdown. After that, every other quarterback in the league should have been on notice. White clearly was going to be unstoppable that year.

 

[IntenseOperator]

Alan Keyes on Abortion
Click here for 17 full quotes on Abortion OR other candidates on Abortion OR background on Abortion.
Principles in Declaration of Independence prohibit abortion. (Oct 2007)
Embryonic stem cell research experiments with human life. (Oct 2007)
Constitutional amendment defining life from conception. (Sep 2007)
Preamble to Constitution includes our unborn posterity. (Sep 2007)
Nominate only judges who refuse to legislate from the bench. (Sep 2007)
Save "snowflake babies": no experiments on frozen embryos. (Sep 2007)
No tax funding for organizations that promote abortion. (Sep 2007)
Running because of Obama's extreme pro-abortion votes. (Aug 2004)
Constitutional "posterity" implies protecting the unborn. (Aug 2004)
Do everything to overthrow Roe vs. Wade to acknowledge God. (Oct 2003)
Withdraws; job done since GOP & V.P. are both pro-life. (Jul 2000)
Not OK to kill child of 6; not OK to kill child in the womb. (Jan 2000)
God?s choice: ?Just Say No? to abortion. (Jan 2000)
Abortion is unjust and immoral. (Jan 1999)
Mothers have no right to take a fetus? life. (Jan 1999)
Abortion issue epitomizes corruption of freedom. (May 1996)
Only exception is to preserve life of mother. (Jun 1995)


Alan Keyes on Budget & Economy
Click here for 8 full quotes on Budget & Economy OR other candidates on Budget & Economy OR background on Budget & Economy.
Economics should be based on family household management. (Oct 2007)
Rein in out-of-control spending and balance the budget. (Sep 2007)
Supports balanced budget amendment to the Constitution. (Sep 2004)
Can?t address budget deficit until we address moral deficit. (Aug 1995)
More $ for defense, NASA, parks; less for Ag, educ, arts. (Jan 2000)
Enforce spending limits to balance the budget. (Jan 2000)
Amend the Constitution to limit borrowing and spending. (Jan 1999)
Seeing people merely as consumers is bad for moral fiber. (May 1996)


Alan Keyes on Civil Rights
Click here for 33 full quotes on Civil Rights OR 5 older headlines OR other candidates on Civil Rights OR background on Civil Rights.
`Separation of church & state` misinterprets Constitution. (Oct 2007)
The path to your freedom is standing firm for God's will. (Feb 2004)
Protect religion from the state, but not vice versa. (Feb 2004)
Right to acknowledge God is the foundation of all our rights. (Feb 2004)
Public display of the Ten Commandments is a state's right. (Oct 2003)
The belief that you can't legislate morality is nonsensical. (Oct 2003)
We live under the tyranny of the federal judges. (Feb 2004)
Leaders must face racial bigotry, not ignore it. (Feb 2000)
Our rights come from God, not from the Constitution. (Jan 2000)
Ten Commandments & prayer should be in schools. (Jan 2000)
Conducting gov?t in Spanish assaults our linguistic unity. (Jan 2000)
No separation of church & state; fight uniform irreligion. (Jan 2000)
Affirmative Action
We cannot cure a past injustice with another injustice. (Oct 2007)
Preferential affirmative action patronizes blacks & women. (Oct 2007)
Address Black community with solid Republican principles. (Sep 2007)
Preferential affirmative action is patronizing. (Aug 2004)
Preferential affirmative action is patronizing. (Jan 1999)
Black heritage comes from survival in America, not Africa. (May 1996)
Affirmative action turns back the clock. (Aug 1995)
Gay Marriage
Wrong to treat sexual behavior like race. (Oct 2007)
Marriage exists for the sake of procreation. (Oct 2007)
Massachusetts gay marriage required judges legislating. (Oct 2007)
Defend the natural family against the gay lobby. (Sep 2007)
We need a constitutional amendment to stop gay marriage. (Sep 2007)
Marriage can't be understood apart from procreation. (Oct 2004)
Gay sex is selfish hedonism. (Sep 2004)
Gay marriage destroys fundamental moral institutions. (Jul 2004)
HIV workshop violates parents who think gay is immoral. (Jul 2000)
Signed pledge to reinstitute ban on gays in military. (Jan 2000)
Oppose gay agenda in military & marriage laws. (Jan 2000)
Warns that Supreme Court has advanced gay marriage agenda. (May 1999)
?Hate crime? laws will be used to punish anti-gay opinions. (Oct 1998)
Gay rights aren?t like racial rights, because it?s behavior. (May 1996)


Alan Keyes on Corporations
Click here for 2 full quotes on Corporations OR other candidates on Corporations OR background on Corporations.
Corporate elites want cheap immigrant labor. (Sep 2007)
Protect workers' pensions when companies declare bankruptcy. (Sep 2004)


Alan Keyes on Crime
Click here for 15 full quotes on Crime OR other candidates on Crime OR background on Crime.
Death penalty sometimes essential to respect for life. (Oct 2007)
Opposes lowering age for trying children as adults. (Oct 2007)
Let neighborhood justices of the peace determine sentencing. (Sep 2007)
Death penalty is about universal justice. (Sep 2007)
Opposes "hate crimes" legislation. (Sep 2007)
Prosecute all illegal adult pornography. (Sep 2007)
Don't lower age of adult criminal prosecutions. (Sep 2004)
Failing to revere God results in violence and crime. (Oct 2003)
Diallo verdict does not need federal review. (Mar 2000)
Without death penalty for murder, we disregard life. (Jan 2000)
Stricter penalties; truth in sentencing. (Jan 2000)
?Hate crime? laws inappropriately punish attitudes. (Jun 1999)
Supports capital punishment. (Jul 1996)
External violence results from internal lawlessness. (May 1996)
Capital punishment is necessary to show respect for life. (Apr 1995)


Alan Keyes on Drugs
Click here for 4 full quotes on Drugs OR other candidates on Drugs OR background on Drugs.
Stricter drug penalties; more border security. (Jan 2000)
It?s a moral crisis, not a drug problem. (Oct 1999)
Drug problem is a symptom of governmental lack of discipline. (Oct 1999)
Increase penalties for selling drugs. (Jul 1996)


Alan Keyes on Education
Click here for 28 full quotes on Education OR 3 older headlines OR other candidates on Education OR background on Education.
Sex education is private responsibility; not for school. (Oct 2007)
Impeach judges for barring legislature prayers to Jesus. (Sep 2007)
Present scientific facts that support creationism. (Sep 2007)
Equal funds for abstinence as contraceptive-based education. (Sep 2007)
Schools forfeit funds if they expose kids to gay propaganda. (Sep 2007)
Violence in schools due to loss of moral heritage. (Dec 1999)
Sex education should be abstinence-based. (Jan 1999)
Black education historically focused on family & church. (May 1996)
Government corrupts higher education. (Feb 1996)
College tuition rises due to taxpayer subsidies. (Feb 1996)
School Choice
Parents & local citizens know better than educrat masters. (Oct 2007)
Empower parents to choose schools that reflect their values. (Sep 2007)
Break up the government monopoly on public education. (Sep 2004)
Replace the Department of Education with parental control. (Jan 2000)
Pro-voucher; gov?t out of K-12 education. (Jan 2000)
School?s bureaucratic monopoly hurts teachers & students. (Jan 2000)
Money should follow parents? education choices. (Dec 1999)
Value-free public education is brainwashing. (Jan 1999)
Empower parents against the monopoly of public schools. (Jan 1999)
Let communities decide school rules like all-male academies. (May 1996)
School Prayer
We allowed the judges to drive God out of our schools. (Dec 2007)
Prohibiting school prayer is symptom of deeper problem. (Oct 2007)
Tax-credited programs for Christian schooling. (Sep 2007)
Pray in the classroom, pray in the hallways, pray everywhere. (Aug 2004)
Use bully pulpit to advocate prayer, not coerce it. (Dec 1999)
Let God into schools to keep Columbine shooters out. (Jul 1999)
The Constitution does not forbid prayer in schools. (Jan 1999)
We need prayer in schools and by educators. (Jan 1999)


Alan Keyes on Energy & Oil
Click here for 4 full quotes on Energy & Oil OR other candidates on Energy & Oil OR background on Energy & Oil.
Need to develop proper alternative fuels. (Oct 2004)
Explore & exploit ANWR, while respecting ecology. (Jan 2000)
Against Kyoto Treaty; for market-based solutions. (Jan 2000)
CAFE standards kill - abolish them. (Oct 1999)


Alan Keyes on Environment
Click here for the full quote on Environment OR other candidates on Environment OR background on Environment.
Supports marketable pollution credits; against regulations. (Jan 2000)


Alan Keyes on Families & Children
Click here for 12 full quotes on Families & Children OR other candidates on Families & Children OR background on Families & Children.
Culture of selfish hedonism replaces marriage partnership. (Sep 2007)
2-parent households rear kids with better health & education. (Sep 2007)
Respect God-given institution of the natural family. (Sep 2007)
The God-ordained family preceded the government. (Sep 2007)
We have suffered because of our abandonment of His name. (Oct 2003)
Don?t lower crime age as a result of adult moral failure. (Jan 2000)
Save kids? souls-they don?t need free speech. (Jan 2000)
Kids need love from a two-parent marriage. (Jan 2000)
Health insurance is family responsibility, not government?s. (Jan 2000)
Radical gay agenda is destroying the family. (Jan 2000)
Shape our children?s consciences in the fear of God. (Dec 1999)
Disintegration of the family causes social ills. (Jun 1999)


Alan Keyes on Foreign Policy
Click here for 21 full quotes on Foreign Policy OR other candidates on Foreign Policy OR background on Foreign Policy.
Commitment to Israel is a moral obligation. (Oct 2007)
No troops to Darfur; but support regional aid. (Sep 2007)
Don't pressure Israel to give up land for promise of peace. (Sep 2007)
Monitor the eradication of legal slavery in Sudan. (Sep 2007)
Avoid ratifying Law of the Sea Treaty. (Sep 2007)
Work with indigenous elements in Iran. (Oct 2004)
Renounce interference with affairs of other nations. (Aug 2004)
Routine military intervention is wrong. (Feb 2000)
Africa: No money for AIDS, because money won?t cure AIDS. (Jan 2000)
South Africa: Venture capital instead of foreign aid. (May 1996)
Rwanda: Humanitarian grounds 150x more than in Bosnia. (Jan 1996)
China
Panama Canal: Keep US in; keep China Out. (Jan 2000)
Clarifying commitment to Taiwan avoids Chinese attack. (Dec 1999)
Military intervention to ensure Taiwan?s self-determination. (Dec 1999)
Call to account those responsible for Chinese espionage. (May 1999)
China is an egregious abuser of human life and human rights. (Sep 1995)
United Nations
United Nations: source of dangerously naive globalist dreams. (Oct 2007)
I've never been a supporter of the UN, even while Ambassador. (Sep 2007)
Against paying UN until they reform. (Oct 1999)
Fostered policy of withholding UN funds; UN wastes US taxes. (Oct 1999)
If the UN undermines US sovereignty, we should quit. (Jan 1999)


Alan Keyes on Free Trade
Click here for 15 full quotes on Free Trade OR other candidates on Free Trade OR background on Free Trade.
We gave away portion of sovereignty when we entered WTO. (Oct 2007)
One-on-one trade agreements; with tariffs for dumping. (Oct 2007)
North American Union Superhighway subverts sovereignty. (Oct 2007)
Free trade gives excessive authority to international groups. (Oct 2007)
North American Union is betrayal of our sovereignty. (Sep 2007)
Trade sanctions on Saudi Arabia for persecuting Christians. (Sep 2007)
China trade contingent on human rights & product safety. (Sep 2007)
No NAFTA Superhighway from Canada to Mexico. (Sep 2007)
Entering WTO gave away part of our sovereignty. (Feb 2000)
Out of WTO: no legislation without representation. (Jan 2000)
Separate naturalization (legal) from border patrols. (Jan 2000)
Banks and American clout should help farmers. (Jan 2000)
WTO allows dictators to decide our future - US out. (Dec 1999)
WTO is not representative; hence unconstitutional. (Dec 1999)
Tariffs make foreigners share burden of US government. (Apr 1998)


Alan Keyes on Government Reform
Click here for 20 full quotes on Government Reform OR other candidates on Government Reform OR background on Government Reform.
Focus on moral sovereignty, tax reform, & sealing the border. (Dec 2007)
Campaign finance reform violates freedom of association. (Oct 2007)
Avoid incumbency protection: no union or corporate donors. (Oct 2007)
Terri Schiavo case was about judicial power over executive. (Oct 2007)
No representation for DC; it has a unique unifying status. (Sep 2007)
Disallow lawsuits that stop public officials invoking God. (Sep 2007)
Ok if church identifies candidates who favor its principles. (Sep 2007)
We have surrendered our personal sovereignty to government. (Aug 2004)
Surrendering moral government to courts surrenders freedom. (Feb 2004)
Congress should have the last word, not the Supreme Court. (Oct 2003)
Obeying the dictate of federal judges means no Constitution. (Oct 2003)
Call halt to ?War on this? and ?War on that?. (Aug 1995)
Only valid reason to go to Washington is to break up power. (Aug 1995)
Campaign reform is hypocritical: leave office instead. (Mar 2000)
Campaigns: No union $, no corporate $, no foreign $. (Feb 2000)
?Dollar vote? only if you can ?ballot vote?. (Jan 2000)
Wife Jocelyn?s issues: anti-poverty & anti-abortion. (Dec 1999)
Campaign reforms: unconstitutional ?incumbency protection?. (Dec 1999)
Unlimited contributions, but only by people, & publicized. (Dec 1999)
Campaign reform: No $ limits; full disclosure. (Jul 1996)


Alan Keyes on Gun Control
Click here for 12 full quotes on Gun Control OR other candidates on Gun Control OR background on Gun Control.
Gun control agenda mistrusts ordinary citizens. (Oct 2007)
Fundamental DUTY of free citizens to keep & bear arms. (Oct 2007)
Second Amendment not about hunting, but about national duty. (Aug 2004)
No federal role in gun safety-leave it to states & parents. (Jan 2000)
Teach high school students to use guns. (Dec 1999)
Columbine killers lacked moral development - not gun laws. (Jun 1999)
Gun control is an outcome of godless materialism. (May 1999)
Control people?s passions - not the things they use. (May 1999)
Columbine killers lacked moral development - not gun laws. (May 1999)
Against banning guns since that won?t end violence. (Jan 1999)
Supports right to bear arms for all types and uses of guns. (Jan 1999)
No bans on legal firearms; allow concealed carry. (Jul 1996)


Alan Keyes on Health Care
Click here for 18 full quotes on Health Care OR 3 older headlines OR other candidates on Health Care OR background on Health Care.
Euthanasia violates unalienable right to life. (Oct 2007)
Consumer in charge; no government-controlled health care. (Oct 2007)
Before bringing back family doctor, bring back the family. (Sep 2007)
Oppose mandated health insurance and universal coverage. (Sep 2007)
Protect disabled and vulnerable people like Terri Schiavo. (Sep 2007)
Insurance reward for avoiding tobacco, alcohol, obesity. (Sep 2007)
Give people generic drugs information to save their money. (Oct 2004)
People should take care of their own health. (Oct 2004)
Sensibly cap malpractice awards. (Sep 2004)
Health care choice will save money for long-term health care. (Jan 2000)
AIDS is a moral crisis based on licentious behavior. (Jan 2000)
Patient rights & HMO rights are not federal responsibility. (Jan 2000)
Allocation of research funds not a political decision. (Jan 2000)
Health priorities: research; cost control; moral effects. (Jan 2000)
Let market determine health payments, not bureaucrats. (Dec 1999)
Right to die usurps the Declaration and God. (Jan 1999)
Universal health ID?s are a threat to liberty. (Jul 1998)
Focus on prevention and finance health care accordingly. (May 1996)


Alan Keyes on Homeland Security
Click here for 21 full quotes on Homeland Security OR other candidates on Homeland Security OR background on Homeland Security.
Killing innocents by terror is same evil as by abortion. (Sep 2007)
Protect military chaplains' right to pray in preferred faith. (Sep 2007)
Allow Christian symbols in national war memorials. (Sep 2007)
No student visas to citizens of terrorist states. (Sep 2007)
Doctrine of terror is killing innocent people. (Sep 2007)
Develop a plan that will get us away from our oil dependence. (Oct 2004)
Don't use Patriot Act to take away freedoms. (Oct 2004)
Send a clear message to the entire terror network. (Oct 2004)
Take preemptive action only if a probable threat exists. (Oct 2004)
Greatest threat is not external, but what we do to ourselves. (Nov 2003)
Set aside the ABM treaty and build SDI. (Feb 2000)
Rapidly develop & deploy an anti-missile defense system. (Feb 2000)
What you see is what you get over ?don?t ask, don?t tell.?. (Feb 2000)
Ban homosexuals in the military. (Jan 2000)
Missile defense umbrella including Taiwan. (Dec 1999)
Keep some forces abroad, but avoid globalism. (Nov 1999)
Defend human rights & self-govt within national interests. (Nov 1999)
Kosovo sets precedent for more future intervention. (Jun 1999)
Supports missile strikes against terrorists abroad. (Aug 1998)
Citadel and VMI should remain all male. (Feb 1996)
No women in combat. (Jun 1995)


Alan Keyes on Immigration
Click here for 10 full quotes on Immigration OR other candidates on Immigration OR background on Immigration.
Enforce existing laws against illegal immigration. (Oct 2007)
Sovereignty is betrayed when our borders are not defended. (Oct 2007)
Immigration, yes; colonization, no: oppose guest workers. (Oct 2007)
Control border first, or no other laws mater. (Sep 2007)
Blacks are hurt first by cheap immigrant labor. (Sep 2007)
Excessive multiculturalism weakens American culture. (Sep 2007)
Rescind Bush's order allowing Mexican trucks on US roads. (Sep 2007)
Oppose amnesty & guest workers until unemployment under 5%. (Sep 2007)
Extending privileges to non-citizens invites lawbreaking. (Sep 2004)
Expand legal immigration; curtail illegal immigration. (Jul 1996)


Alan Keyes on Jobs
Click here for 7 full quotes on Jobs OR other candidates on Jobs OR background on Jobs.
We need family farms to sustain character, not to feed us. (Oct 2007)
Ensure job creation as means to provide health insurance. (Sep 2007)
Breakdown of family structure causes high black unemployment. (Sep 2007)
No "sexual orientation" in Employment Non-Discrimination Act. (Sep 2007)
Government does not create jobs, only businesses do. (Sep 2004)
Family farms: Decollectivize banks; withdraw from WTO. (Jan 2000)
Family farms are nursery of moral character. (Dec 1999)


Alan Keyes on Principles & Values
Click here for 25 full quotes on Principles & Values OR 9 older headlines OR other candidates on Principles & Values OR background on Principles & Values.
Be authentic about who you are. (Dec 2007)
We don't fight for victory; we fight for liberty & faith. (Sep 2007)
We face crisis of moral values and principles. (Sep 2007)
We can't remain free if we don't acknowledge God's authority. (Sep 2007)
Campaigning to raise the standard of our allegiance to God. (Sep 2007)
Website donors asked to take a pledge for America's revival. (Sep 2007)
Declares candidacy on live talk radio show. (Sep 2007)
Top issues: Defend life; respect for God; restore character. (Sep 2007)
Core values: life, liberty, faith, family, freedom. (Aug 2004)
Strengthen the foundations of political liberty. (Aug 2004)
Christianity best; but Declaration of Independence will do. (Aug 2004)
America's problems rooted in moral decline. (Aug 2004)
Black liberal leadership are a generation of toadies. (Jul 2004)
Anything the government gives you destroys your liberty. (Feb 2004)
Separation of church and state is phony and is a weapon. (Oct 2003)
The real outsider for conservative Republicans. (Feb 2000)
Bring God back into the White House. (Jan 2000)
Address moral crisis or lose our liberty. (Oct 1999)
Core Beliefs Based on ?Unalienable Rights?. (Jan 1999)
Moral bases come from Christianity via Declaration. (Jan 1999)
Reverence for God is foundation of justice & citizenship. (Jan 1999)
Against the ?gay agenda?. (Jun 1998)
#1: Restore the moral foundations of family life. (Jul 1996)
Truth & right vs. wrong underlies government & society. (May 1996)
The crisis of our times is a crisis of character. (May 1996)


Alan Keyes on Social Security
Click here for 6 full quotes on Social Security OR other candidates on Social Security OR background on Social Security.
Keep promises but give choice of market investments. (Oct 2007)
Personal retirement accounts allow investing in one's future. (Sep 2007)
Keep promises but give future choice. (Sep 2004)
Supports privatization & Lock-box. (Jan 2000)
Keep our promises on Social Security benefits, guaranteed. (Nov 1999)
Let people who earn their money invest their own money. (Nov 1999)


Alan Keyes on Tax Reform
Click here for 16 full quotes on Tax Reform OR 5 older headlines OR other candidates on Tax Reform OR background on Tax Reform.
FairTax turns off spigot that funds political ambitions. (Dec 2007)
Income tax is a failed socialist experiment. (Oct 2007)
Replace income tax with a national sales tax. (Oct 2007)
Income tax exemptions for descendants of black slaves. (Sep 2004)
Income tax is a failed socialist experiment. (Aug 2004)
Sales tax is more progressive than income tax. (Aug 2004)
Abolish the income tax and spend money responsibly. (Jan 2000)
Sales tax gives control back to people. (Dec 1999)
Wrong to pay income taxes before basic necessities. (Dec 1999)
Forbes? plan leaves IRS, and an invasive tax, intact. (Dec 1999)
Forbes? plan still requires people to beg for tax cuts. (Dec 1999)
Replace income tax with tariffs & duties. (Oct 1999)
Income tax is Marxist control of entire economy. (Oct 1999)
Against flat tax -- a distraction for abolishing income tax. (Jan 1999)
Excise taxes allow citizens to control tax rate themselves. (Apr 1998)
?Soak the rich? schemes have socialist objectives. (May 1996)


Alan Keyes on Technology
Click here for 9 full quotes on Technology OR other candidates on Technology OR background on Technology.
No Fairness Doctrine: no equal time if morally objectionable. (Sep 2007)
Apply broadcast indecency rules to cable networks. (Sep 2007)
Transportation projects are top priorities in Illinois. (Oct 2004)
Abolish the income tax and eventually tax the Internet. (Jan 2000)
Publicly fund NASA like we funded the western frontier. (Oct 1999)
Supports the spiritual component of space exploration. (Oct 1999)
Regulate ?offensive violence? on TV, not all violence. (May 1996)
Explore space to fulfill our sense of purpose. (May 1996)
V-chip to allow parents to regulate kids? TV access. (Sep 1995)


Video


Alan Keyes on War & Peace
Click here for 20 full quotes on War & Peace OR other candidates on War & Peace OR background on War & Peace.
Would not have chosen Iraq; would not have asked UN either. (Oct 2007)
After military victory, should have had UN nation-building. (Oct 2007)
Bush focuses on democracy for Iraq; not security for America. (Sep 2007)
Our efforts in Iraq defend against a deep & terrible threat. (Sep 2007)
Autonomy for Christians in Iraq's Nineveh region. (Sep 2007)
Withdrawing before your enemy stops is called "defeat". (Sep 2007)
War on terror is about survival; war in Iraq is about morale. (Sep 2007)
Needed greater effort to bring in others to Iraq. (Oct 2004)
War on Terror requires both intelligence and discretion. (Oct 2004)
Troops should stay in Iraq until they get the job done. (Oct 2004)
Preemptive strike in Iraq is a right decision. (Oct 2004)
There is no distinction between Afghanistan and Iraq. (Oct 2004)
Bush didn't have the wisdom of hindsight in the Iraqi War. (Oct 2004)
Respond to facts, not Serb intentions. (Dec 1999)
Kosovo sets precedent for more future intervention. (Jun 1999)
NATO strategy against civilians is terrorism. (Jun 1999)
?Ends justify the means? is the path to evil. (Jun 1999)
Kosovo not based on human rights policy nor precedent. (Apr 1999)
Support Israel on moral grounds, not economic nor strategic. (May 1996)
Bosnian intervention MUST be approved by Congress. (Nov 1995)


Alan Keyes on Welfare & Poverty
Click here for 7 full quotes on Welfare & Poverty OR other candidates on Welfare & Poverty OR background on Welfare & Poverty.
Constitution does not require separation of church and state. (Aug 2004)
No socialism for poor children-invigorate families instead. (Jan 2000)
Volunteer for community service; not via government funding. (Oct 1999)
Shift welfare from government to the faith sector. (Oct 1999)
Disintegration of the family causes social ills. (Jan 1999)
Jewish support of welfare for blacks causes enmity. (May 1996)
Encourage two-parent families instead of paying baby bonus. (May 1996)

 

[IntenseOperator]

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Chuck Norris? house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.


Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

 

[IntenseOperator]

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing
and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

There is in fact an ?I? in Norris, but there is no ?team?? not even close.

Scotty in Star Trek often says ?Ye cannae change the laws of physics.? This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron?s ass halfway through the first chapter.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.

The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.

Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.

Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

Chuck Norris? favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

 

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Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don?t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

What?s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn?t use its full name, which happens to be ?Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division?.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.

There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"

Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.

When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.

On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

 

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Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.

Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.

Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.

Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.

Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.

Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".

The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.

Chuck Norris? roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.

Chuck Norris can taste lies.

Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.

One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.

Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

The only sure things are Death and Taxes?and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

 

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Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.

MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.

Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.

Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.

If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.

July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.

Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.

In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.

The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.

As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".

There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.

A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.

Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.

Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he?s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.

Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.

There?s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.

For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.

In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

 

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The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.

Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

The 11th commandment is ?Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris? This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.

Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.

After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.

When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

Chuck Norris? roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.

Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.

Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.

For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.

The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.

Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.

TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.

After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.

"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.

In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.

Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.

Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.

Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.

The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

 

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Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.

Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."

A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.

Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.

When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.

Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".

Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.

Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.

Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.

Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.

Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.

There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.

During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.

Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.

Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.

Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.

Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.

The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.

Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.

Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.

If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.

Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.

He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris ? dies.

Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.

Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.

Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.

 

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Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

"One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"

People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It?s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it?s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.

Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.

People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.

Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.

Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.

Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.

Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.

In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.

Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.

Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris

Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

Before sliced bread, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.

Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.

The wind of Chuck Norris?s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away

Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.

There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.

There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.

Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000

The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame

Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.

When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly.including this one

You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you?re Chuck Norris

No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.

Chuck Norris is '' The best a man can get ''

On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.

Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".

Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".

Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.

Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!

Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.

Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.

Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.

The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.

The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.

The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.

When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.

In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.

When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.

The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.

Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.

Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.

Chuck Norris invented the question mark.

Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.

Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.

Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady?just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.

Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.

The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.

Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!

Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.

When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!". That's what happens next.

Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.

Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.

 

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Welcome to the Unfastened Coins website. This site is dedicated to exposing the truth about the government's involvement in the sinking of the Titanic. Specifically, that they did it (and by "they" I mean Jews).
I created this documentary to spread the truth about the government coverup in Oklahoma, Waco, New York Middle East the North Atlantic.

I'm just a kid with a laptop who discovered the truth, but I encourage you to do your own research and come to your own conclusions based on my premise that the government is lying to you and that your disagreement with said premise constitutes your admission of being a sheep. I suggest starting with my video:

Still not convinced?


As of this writing, there are only two living survivors of the Titanic, and both of them claim to have been babies and too young to remember what happened.
HOW CONVENIENT!!!


Even though some of the world's richest and most famous passengers were on the ship, not a single video was made of the Titanic sinking.
HOW CONVENIENT!!!


Abraham Lincoln dies the exact same day the Titanic sinks, except 47 years prior! The Titanic had the capacity to carry 3,547 passengers aboard! They both have 47!!!!
COINCIDENCE???

When will you sheeple realize that you're being lied to? How many amateur documentaries must be made using stock footage before you believe that we're important?

More Truth:
An iceberg was blamed for sinking the Titanic. Yeah right. Do they expect us to believe that ice--which is frozen water--is stronger than metal--the stuff they make swords out of? If icebergs are really that tough, then why don't people make boats out of icebergs instead?

The Smoking Gun:
While doing research for my documentary, I came across the smoking gun. This evidence is so hot that the government shut off my Internet access when I discovered it. I called the cable company and they said that they turned off my Internet access for not paying my bill. So it was just a coincidence that the government turned off my Internet at the exact same moment the cable company did? Nice try government.

Here's what they don't want you to know: if you take the word "TITANIC" and you remove the letters T, I, and T, and then you add the letters C, O, S, P, R, and Y, then it spells:

COINCIDENCE???

I literally got chills when I discovered this. Whoever orchestrated this plot really knew what they were doing. I'm tired of being lied to. I'm mad as hell and I'm going to keep editing video until I get some answers. All day if I have to. Spread the truth!!!

 

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Clock's ticking on sex: 3 minutes

Advertisement
The best sex should last between seven and 13 minutes, and even three-minute sex is "adequate", a major survey of US experts has concluded.

But Australian sex therapists commenting on the new research say most men Down Under wanted it to last considerably longer while most women were "not bothered" if it was over with fast.

The sex study is the first to review what the experts believe is the ideal length of time to have penetrative sex, with the random sample of Americans and Canadians labelling seven to 13 minutes most "desirable".

Intercourse lasting between three and seven minutes was deemed "adequate", but anything less was "too short" and beyond 13 minutes was "too long".

The study, published today in the international Journal of Sexual Medicine, is designed help calm couples' unrealistic beliefs that healthy sex should last a long time.

US studies show Americans expect penetrative sex to last between 15 and 20 minutes, even though self reports indicate it is over in less than half this time.

Lead researcher Dr Eric Corty, from the Behrend College in Erie, Pennsylvania, said this was a situation "ripe for disappointment and dissatisfaction".

"In the fantasy model of male sexuality, men have large penises, rock-hard erections, and can sustain sexual activity all night long," Dr Corty wrote.

"It appears that many men and women hold this fantasy.

"The results from the present study, by providing a realistic not a fantasy model of sexuality, are useful both in treating people with sexual concerns and dysfunctions, and, with wider circulation, in preventing the onset of sexual dysfunctions."

Dr Jane Howard, a Brisbane-based medical sex therapist, said there was a dearth of data on Australians' expectation of sex.

Anecdotal evidence suggested most Australian women would be happy with the therapists' "adequate" time of three to seven minutes, while men would not.

"There is a major gender difference in this area," Dr Howard said.

"Usually women are quite happy with short intercourse, and are not bothered about prolonging it at all, but nearly all men want it to be much, much longer."

She said it was important not to obsess over the length of intercourse, with time often suspended during the act anyway.

"I mean really, who's counting?" the expert said.

 

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Miller, 76ers deal Iverson, Nuggets 115-113 lossPreview | Box Score | Recap | Highlights
By BOB LENTZ, Associated Press Writer
2 hours, 22 minutes ago

Buzz Up Print
Denver Nuggets' Allen Iverson ?

AP - Mar 19, 10:47 pm EDT

Allen Iverson fans Brynna Labi?

AP - Mar 19, 10:25 pm EDT

Denver Nuggets' Allen Iverson ?

AP - Mar 19, 10:20 pm EDT

Philadelphia 76ers' Andre Mill?

AP - Mar 19, 10:13 pm EDT

Philadelphia 76ers' Samuel Dal?

AP - Mar 19, 10:10 pm EDT

Denver Nuggets' Allen Iverson ?

AP - Mar 19, 9:04 pm EDT

Denver Nuggets' Allen Iverson ?

AP - Mar 19, 8:49 pm EDT

Denver Nuggets' Carmelo Anthon?

AP - Mar 19, 8:49 pm EDT

Denver Nuggets' Allen Iverson ?

AP - Mar 19, 8:44 pm EDT

Denver Nuggets' Allen Iverson,?

AP - Mar 19, 6:57 pm EDT

Denver Nuggets' Allen Iverson,?

AP - Mar 19, 6:55 pm EDT

Denver Nuggets' Allen Iverson,?

AP - Mar 19, 6:53 pm EDT
1 of 12 NBA Gallery PHILADELPHIA (AP)?Allen Iverson had the ball in his hands and the game on the line, yet couldn?t produce the ending he?d hoped for.

Iverson, playing in Philadelphia for the first time since being traded to Denver in December 2006, led all scorers with 32 points Wednesday night. But it was the 76ers who made the big plays down the stretch and spoiled their former MVP?s return with a 115-113 victory over the Nuggets.

?I dreamed it up a certain way, and it was better than that,? Iverson said. ?Everything was perfect but one thing, and that was not winning the game.?

Iverson misfired on a 20-foot jumper and Marcus Camby missed a put-back in the final seconds as the Nuggets lost their second straight and failed to pick up any ground in their bid for a playoff spot in the tough Western Conference.

?I almost had a perfect trip at my home away from home,? Iverson said.

Samuel Dalembert scored the decisive basket with 32.9 seconds remaining. When Andre Iguodala lost possession of the ball as he fell, Dalembert was there to grab it and turned for a lay-in.

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Andre Miller, acquired by the Sixers in the Iverson trade, scored 28 points on his 32nd birthday and the 76ers reached the .500 mark (34-34) for the first time since opening the season at 2-2.

Even in defeat, the night belonged to Iverson, who received a hero?s welcome from the sellout crowd of 20,674 at the Wachovia Center.

All eyes were on the former 76ers star when he trotted out for pregame warmups. The ovation grew louder, and then Iverson made his way to center court, where he dropped down and kissed the 76ers logo.

The affection between the 2001 NBA MVP and the fans intensified throughout the pregame.

When Iverson was introduced, the fans showered him with raucous applause and a lengthy standing ovation. He worked the crowd by putting his hand to his ear and turning to each corner of the arena as the roar grew louder. The applause was only cut short by the introduction of the rest of the Denver lineup.

?It almost got to me,? Iverson acknowledged. ?It made me feel good. It made me feel appreciated.?

Just before the game started, Iverson trotted down the sideline to the Sixers? bench and embraced former coach Maurice Cheeks, the first time the two got together since he was traded 15 months before.

?It felt great for him to do that,? the Sixers? coach said. ?We didn?t want to make a scene. I thought everyone was excited about it when it happened.?

Cheeks couldn?t help but notice the reception for his former star.

?I got to watching him and got a little touched by it,? Cheeks said.

While Iverson got the reception he had hoped for, the Sixers got the win.

?We knew it would be emotional,? Nuggets forward Kenyon Martin said. ?They didn?t want to have a player come in and get the love, but lose the game.?

Iguodala scored 21 points, Dalembert added 17 points, 12 rebounds and five blocked shots, including four in the last quarter. Willie Green added 16 points and Rodney Carney 11.

?That was like a playoff game out there,? Cheeks said. ?The game was just drama and I thought our guys handled it well.


Philadelphia 76ers' Andre Iguo?

AP - Mar 19, 10:44 pm EDT
?We?re not in the playoffs yet, but we?re trying to get there.?

Carmelo Anthony scored 26 points, Martin added 22 and Anthony Carter 12 for the Nuggets.

After opening the second half with a 10-point run, the Nuggets struggled with their shots at the end of the third quarter and start of the fourth, going 0-for-15 in one stretch. Iverson ended the drought with 14-foot jumper with 7:10 remaining.

Nuggets coach George Karl was satisfied with his team?s performance.

?Other than our defensive intensity in the first half, trying to outshoot a team playing with a lot of confidence hurt us,? he said.

Iverson?s impact was immediate as he fed Anthony for a game-opening 3-pointer and scored his first points on a 14-foot jumper at the 6:32 mark of the first quarter.

Iverson, who had 12 points and five assists in the first half, added nine points in Denver?s third-quarter run.

Notes

The Sixers are 16-4 in their last 20 games and 10-1 in their last 11. ? The Nuggets move on to play the Nets in New Jersey on Friday. ? The 76ers travel to Orlando to take on the Magic on Friday night.