Q: It's probably a bad sign that I'm contacting Page 2 for help with my love life, but I need to consult with you, a fellow Boston sports fan. My boyfriend has this "move" (think: "Seinfeld"); I joked to him one night that his closing move is as reliable as Eric Gagne. But there's been trouble since I made that joke. Now, whenever he shifts into his, umm, "closer" position, I can't help but visualize the bullpen door swinging open and Gagne trotting out to the mound. And needless to say, those goggles and curly hair are doing NOTHING for me.
I guess, as a Red Sox fan, it could be worse: I could be visualizing Heathcliff Slocumb or Ugie Urbina and be overcome with a sense of anxiety ... and that's no good. But I really would like to banish all thoughts of Gagne and render the move effective once again. Any suggestions?
A loyal (and frustrated) reader,
--JC, Medford, Mass.
SG: Well, it could be worse -- you could be thinking about Calvin Schiraldi running out during the '86 World Series. That could turn you more frigid than Trista in "The Bachelorette." I think you can work with this one, although I'm worried that you're carrying some repressed, unconsummated feelings for Gagne. And sure, if your boyfriend finds out and pulls a "DeNiro in 'The Fan'" on Gagne, the blood will be on your hands. But this situation seems like it should be salvagable.
Anyway, I went to the one man who can answer a question like this: Adam Carolla, who hosts "Loveline" and spends his days watching "Road House" and answering crazy sex questions like this one. After I read him JC's question, here was his response:
"All right, here's the deal: It sounds like she needs to concentrate on someone else. Like what about Eckersley? He just went into the Hall of Fame, plus he had that nice Marlboro Man mustache and the long hair -- he looked like a '70s porn star. So instead of Gagne, maybe she could picture the Eck, one of the greatest closers of all time, bursting through these gates. I mean, that was one good-looking guy. And if that doesn't work, what she probably needs to do is choke up on the bat, try to make contact and protect the plate. She can't swing freely. She might need to lean into one, if you get my drift. (Pause, lowering voice) You're allowed to talk about fake orgasms on ESPN.com, right?
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/040730
