Been there and needed some laughter...Hope these help
Been there and needed some laughter...Hope these help
A man comes into the ER and yells, My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's --Dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
"Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
Now your left." Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.
I turned and discovered that he had done exactly
what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointmen t with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered .
Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
And Finally . . .
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams.
To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.
He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm
sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was
'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
--won't admit his name
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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
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A husband and wife are getting ready for bed.
The wife is standing naked in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old
woman.
My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist
and my butt is hanging out a mile.
I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says,
"Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well
... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
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Grandma's Boyfriend
You have to be very careful how you explain things to kid's!
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing
with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make
me feel good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the
TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,
and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."
