Because I'm a man...

[Chopsticks]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys -
cumin is a spice)
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, when one of the appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as, much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
-------------------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask! someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I think what you're! wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2004, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

 

[Justinsmom829]

That is great .... :clap:

Missy

 

[THE KOD]

Chops

you male chavanist rat bastid

 

[Chopsticks]

Thanks, Scott...I try to be all I can be...Just wanted to tell you the Bobblehead thing was a classic!!!!

 

[THE KOD]

haha

I laugh at your posts too. Just hard to admit sometimes.

this was pretty funny

 

[IntenseOperator]

Guy's Rules

Guy's Rules

We always hear "the rules"
from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put
it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like
camping.

 

[IntenseOperator]

Men vs Women

Men vs Women

1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer
to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

---------------------------------

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in
$20, eventhough it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none
will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

---------------------------------

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale.

---------------------------------

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

---------------------------------

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

---------------------------------

6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

---------------------------------

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

---------------------------------

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

---------------------------------

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

---------------------------------

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

---------------------------------

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

---------------------------------

12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears
and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

---------------------------------

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

 

[IntenseOperator]

Cool Things About Being a Man

Cool Things About Being a Man

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without
ever
thinking ''He must be mad at me."
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on
December
24th, in minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.
==================================================
================

Ten Things men know for sure about women.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have breasts.

 

[IntenseOperator]

My Favorite

My Favorite

Guy Rules

1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may
be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an
umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following
circumstances:
a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her
blouse
b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
c) When your date is using her teeth

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, UNLESS you actually marry her.

6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes

7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is
strictly optional.)

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who's playing.

10 You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose
of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel... and it's free.

12. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem ---you didn't see
nothin'.

14. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must
be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge
of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

15. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of
a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire
and threw it into a ceiling fan.

16. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.

17. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man
while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

18. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost mperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.

19. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you
are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone, hang up
if necessary.

20. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a
manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.

 

[IntenseOperator]

20 Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew

20 Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew

1.If you think you're fat,you probably are.Quit asking us.

2.Learn to work the toilet seat.If it's up,put it down.

3.If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

4.Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint,the shotgun formation & monster
trucks.

5.Sunday equals sports.It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tide.Let it go!

6.Shopping is not a sport.

7.Crying is blackmail.Use it if you must,but don't expect us to like
it.

8.No,he doesn't know what day it is.He never will.Just mark
anniversaries on a calendar.

9.Yes,pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from
pointblank range.We're bound to miss sometimes.

10.Yes & no are perfectly acceptable answers.

11.A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.See a doctor.

12.Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

13.Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

14.Don't fake it.We'd rather be ineffective then deceived.

15.Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissable in an
argument.All comments become null & void after 7 days.

16.whenever possible,please say whatever you have to say during a
commercial.

17.You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done--not both.

18.If something we said can be interpreted two ways,& one of the ways
makes you sad & angry,we meant the other one.

19.If you don't dress like the Victoria Secret girls,don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

20.The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out--get over it

 

[IntenseOperator]

A Real Man's Code

A Real Man's Code

THIS IS THE CODE...
1. If you are over 30 and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay.
It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and rather
you've been sucking-off the boys and have spent the rest of your free
time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaayming fag. A cat is like a dog,
but Gay: it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has
a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed.
And just think about how you call a dog..."Killer, come here! I
said get your ass over here!" Now think about how you call a
cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're
the poster boy for GAY.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby-pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks
bar-b-q ribs, crab-claws, raw oysters, craw-fish guts, pickled pigs
feet, or titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck
El-D*cko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world
is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one
in the poop-chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black (or with thick,
wholesome milk) and full-aroma. A muff diving man will never be heard
ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never,
ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had
NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a d*ck there too.

6. If you know more than six names of colours or four different types
of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your azz.
A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of
that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major
league, NHL, NFL, NBA, college ball, PGA, and Nascar. If you can pick
out chartreuse or you know what a "fresier" is, you're gay.
And if you can name ANY type of textile
other than denim, you are faggadocious!

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it...your hungry
for a meat-popsicle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk
at a slow-azz driver or to cut the idiot off. The rest of the time he
needs that hand to change the radio station, eat his hamburger, hold
his beer, finger the woman in the passenger seat (whoever she happens
to be), or, if he's Latino, talk on his cell-phone.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous
sonnez le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of
those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any
of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to
result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what
happens to fags when they flame out too quickly.

 

[IntenseOperator]

More Guy Humor

More Guy Humor

1.. Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage,
and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got
married.
Did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure. What was her maiden
name?"

2.. A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where
did
all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from
your
mother, 'cause I still have mine."

3.. "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
the
divorce court judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife
$775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And
every now
and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

4.. A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and
ordered a double scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he
peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double
scotch.
After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket
and ordered another double scotch.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks
all night long, but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt
pocket
before you order another."
The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When
she
starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

5.. A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said,
"I
don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither, doc." said the husband. "But she's a
great cook and
really good with the kids."

6.. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man
and
wife."

 

[IntenseOperator]

More Guy Humor

More Guy Humor

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a,
"Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would pretty much
do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to
go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it
would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed
off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event
in world history.

8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be
"Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."

9. Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get
"beer-biceps."

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words: "Ally McNaked."

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You
know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was
spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one,
That's $10.00 off."

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

4. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per
year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present
your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're
#1!"

19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the
game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during
a time-out.

20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an
acceptable response to "I love you."

21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be
an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump
out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and
right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the
"public ugliness" ordinance.

25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?"
cards.

 

[bombercoops]

Looks like you guys covered it all! Good read and very true!