Late Report:
(FOXNEWS) "President Bush, in a unscheduled stop in Cincinnati, Ohio, went knocking door to door in an affluent northern neighborhood encouraging people to get out and "do the RIGHT thing". While canvassing the neighborhood he came upon the house of a prominent local trial lawyer by the name of Edward M. Haskell. Haskell had several Kerry-Edwards signs outside his luxurious Victorian home, quite in contrast with the rest of the surrounding neighborhood who appeared to heavily support the Republican cause. Mr. Haskell, after being surprised by President Bush and his secret service entourage, thought he was being singled out because of the Socialist propaganda he had placed outside his house alongside the Kerry-Edwards banners and several leftover Halloween decorations. President Bush assured Mr. Haskell that they were not out to get him and asked him why he did not support the Bush cause. Mr. Haskell rambled out several memorized statistics and read from a cue card a Democrat message given to him days before by party acolytes which was intended to remind him and others of the reasons for voting against Bush.
After patiently listening to Mr. Haskell's diatribe, President Bush put his arm over Mr. Haskell's shoulder and asked him: "
Eddie, what do you really believe in?"
After tense moments where Mr. Haskell could not bring himself to answer the question or look the President in the eyes, he suddenly dropped to his knees and cried, begging the President for forgiveness and telling him that he was actually a "Closet Republican who idolized him" and had "photographs of 'dubya', as he now referred to the President, from his days in the Texas Air National Guard all the way through his presidency taped to the back of his bathroom door".
He continued saying: "I've always been a Republican at heart, but the girls always said that they thought that Democrats were more 'hip', so I sold my soul to the devil to see if I could get lucky. I was not blessed with good looks, but as a trial lawyer I can spin a good story out of thin air. So they believed me, and I continued with the lie for so long that one day I found that I couldn't turn back"
The profound personal confession sent the whole neighborhood into tears once they saw the pain in this man's eyes and tried to imagine what he had endured for so long and then not even being able to "get lucky".
Mr. Haskell admitted to the President that not only had he already cast his vote for him, but that he also followed the Republican party line and voted republican on the entire ballot. "It is my duty, Mr. President", said Mr. Haskell after being offered a clean tissue by Bush.
After a few private words with Mr. Haskell the President left to continue his battle for the state of Ohio. When we tried to to interview Mr. Haskell he was not available for comment.
Cincinnati, OH 11/02/2004
Just kidding, Eddie
