Easter and Heaven

[IntenseOperator]

EASTER

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

 

[IntenseOperator]

Amazing New Technology--

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman
was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from
the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet," said the
mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we
see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother. After another few minutes had
elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the
baby?"

"WHEN IT CRIES!" she told them

"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until
it CRIES??"

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it...

 

[IntenseOperator]

Lovr Thy Neighbor

Lovr Thy Neighbor

Love Thy Neighbor

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

Don't get up" said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.

"How long must this go on?

This fighting between our nations?

This hatred?

This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

 

[IntenseOperator]

Holy Land

Holy Land

HOLY LAND

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother- in-law.

While in the Holy Land, the mother in-law dies.

They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but the cost would exceed $5000.

If they were to bury his mother in-law there (in the Holy Land) it would cost only $150.00.

The guy tells the undertaker, "We'll ship her home."

The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice funeral and burial here for much less money."

The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a man here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

 

[IntenseOperator]

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello, How are you ! We've been waiting for you ! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.


While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been ?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion And, my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer. How do I get in ?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word ?" her husband asked

"Czechoslovakia."

 

[pirate fan]

There was a line outside the pearly gates with St Peter standing outside. A bus with some nuns on board had crashed and they were all killed.
The first nun is asked by St Peter, what are your sins. The first nun says I touched a mans penis once.
St Peter says to put your finger in the holy water and enter.
The second nun is asked the same question and she says she once helped a man jerk off.
St. Peter says to stick your whole hand in the holy water.
Just then a schuffle breaks out further in line.
St. Peter asks what the problem is.
The nun says Sr. Mary was trying to cut in front of her in line.
St. Peter asks if this is true.
Sr. Mary says yes, I'm afraid so
St. Peter asks why?
Sr. Mary says well, if I have to gargle the holy water, I just wanted to do it before Sr. Rita sticks her ass in it