Benefits of being female:
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
When we buy a vibrator it's glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get out of speeding fines.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when we dance.
Free drinks.
Free dinners.
Free movies (you get the point).
We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
We know the truth about whether size matters.
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
If we have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, we're not the devil.
Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.
If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.
We can sleep our way to the top.
Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group
shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected.
WE never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
We don't have to memorize Caddyshack to fit in.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
25 Rules to help Men understand Women
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If you've managed to lift it up,
gravity is on your side when it comes to putting it back down.
2. Sometimes, we are not thinking about having sex.
3. "I ate it, didn't I?" is not considered praise.
4. Your responsibility for raising children does NOT end at conception.
5. Get rid of your comb-over. It's not different -- it's just as
ridiculous as every other comb over.
6. An order of takeout ribs and a Chris Farley movie is not everybody's idea of a good time.
7. "Yeah yeah, you look fine" is not a compliment.
8. Yes, I DO tell my best friend everything.
9. You have enough ballcaps.
10. You have too many t-shirts.
11. You're too old to wear a goatee.
12. Every actor we find attractive is not gay. You can stop using this one -- we've all heard it.
13. A hug is not always a prelude to sex.
14. When we ask "are you listening," we already know you're not.
15. Your best friend is an idiot.
16. Nothing says "I love you" like offering to go to the grocery store.
17. If you can rebuild the carburetor on a '66 Mustang, working the washing machine should be a snap.
18. Yes and no are sometimes acceptable answers -- grunts and blank stares are not.
19. A sore back that prevents you from doing household chores for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
20. Underwear is like a car. After five years, it needs to be replaced with a newer model.
21. A romantic weekend getaway does not involve baiting a hook.
22. Slapping us on the butt and saying "how bout getting me a cold one" is not foreplay.
23. The missionary position is best left to missionaries.
24. Rolling over and mumbling "I've got to get some sleep" does not produce an afterglow.
25. If it was really good for me...you wouldn't have to ask.
25 Things Women Want To Hear :
1. Gee Sweetheart, let's skip dinner tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is you.
2. Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.
3. Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.
4. Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.
5. What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on
romance movies.
6. How about I give you a nice massage and foot rub. I really don't like sex that much anyway.
7. You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.
8. What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to
either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!
9. Be careful Darling...don't let it go too far down your throat.
10. Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.
11. While your up Sweetheart, can you get me a glass of water. I think I've had enough beer.
12. Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.
13. There ought to be a law against those porno movies. Can you believe that there are guys that would actually want their wives to do those things they show?
14. Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.
15. I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice
quiche?
16. You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that
impractical Corvette.
17. Look at that... disgusting. Why would she wear a short skirt like that with no panties?
18. Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for
directions.
19. My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.
20. If the guys call and want me to go to that new strip club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.
21. You know Sweetheart, I'm really glad you don't like doing all those dirty things they write about in those stupid sex advice columns.
22. Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.
23. If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the
home decorating magazines.
24. You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.
25. Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
When we buy a vibrator it's glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get out of speeding fines.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when we dance.
Free drinks.
Free dinners.
Free movies (you get the point).
We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
We know the truth about whether size matters.
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
If we have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, we're not the devil.
Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.
If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.
We can sleep our way to the top.
Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group
shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected.
WE never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
We don't have to memorize Caddyshack to fit in.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
25 Rules to help Men understand Women
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If you've managed to lift it up,
gravity is on your side when it comes to putting it back down.
2. Sometimes, we are not thinking about having sex.
3. "I ate it, didn't I?" is not considered praise.
4. Your responsibility for raising children does NOT end at conception.
5. Get rid of your comb-over. It's not different -- it's just as
ridiculous as every other comb over.
6. An order of takeout ribs and a Chris Farley movie is not everybody's idea of a good time.
7. "Yeah yeah, you look fine" is not a compliment.
8. Yes, I DO tell my best friend everything.
9. You have enough ballcaps.
10. You have too many t-shirts.
11. You're too old to wear a goatee.
12. Every actor we find attractive is not gay. You can stop using this one -- we've all heard it.
13. A hug is not always a prelude to sex.
14. When we ask "are you listening," we already know you're not.
15. Your best friend is an idiot.
16. Nothing says "I love you" like offering to go to the grocery store.
17. If you can rebuild the carburetor on a '66 Mustang, working the washing machine should be a snap.
18. Yes and no are sometimes acceptable answers -- grunts and blank stares are not.
19. A sore back that prevents you from doing household chores for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
20. Underwear is like a car. After five years, it needs to be replaced with a newer model.
21. A romantic weekend getaway does not involve baiting a hook.
22. Slapping us on the butt and saying "how bout getting me a cold one" is not foreplay.
23. The missionary position is best left to missionaries.
24. Rolling over and mumbling "I've got to get some sleep" does not produce an afterglow.
25. If it was really good for me...you wouldn't have to ask.
25 Things Women Want To Hear :
1. Gee Sweetheart, let's skip dinner tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is you.
2. Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.
3. Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.
4. Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.
5. What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on
romance movies.
6. How about I give you a nice massage and foot rub. I really don't like sex that much anyway.
7. You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.
8. What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to
either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!
9. Be careful Darling...don't let it go too far down your throat.
10. Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.
11. While your up Sweetheart, can you get me a glass of water. I think I've had enough beer.
12. Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.
13. There ought to be a law against those porno movies. Can you believe that there are guys that would actually want their wives to do those things they show?
14. Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.
15. I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice
quiche?
16. You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that
impractical Corvette.
17. Look at that... disgusting. Why would she wear a short skirt like that with no panties?
18. Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for
directions.
19. My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.
20. If the guys call and want me to go to that new strip club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.
21. You know Sweetheart, I'm really glad you don't like doing all those dirty things they write about in those stupid sex advice columns.
22. Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.
23. If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the
home decorating magazines.
24. You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.
25. Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.
