From ThePhatPhree.com :
There was a time when you could turn on ESPN and see sports coverage without mindless idiots waxing moronic with overused, annoying, nonsensical catch phrases and sensationalistic, ill-informed contrarianism, or worse- mumble-mouthed former pros who can't even read from a goddamn teleprompter. There was a time when the on air "talent" was actually talented- or at least competent.
Dan Patrick, Keith Olbermann, Craig Kilborn, Rich Eisen, and Charley Steiner- the literal and figurative anchors during The Golden Age- are gone. Of that mid-90s powerhouse staff, only Kenny Mayne (who just recently returned and is only signed on to do 50 shows in '07), Rece Davis, Steve Levy, Karl Ravech, Linda Cohen and Chris Berman remain in regular rotation. It's like how John and George are dead, and we are left with Paul and Ringo. It's proof that God, and in this case Disney, hates us.
Here's the real issue: Patrick, Olbermann, Kilborn, and to a lesser extend Kenny Mayne made names for themselves on SportsCenter with their personalities. They were funny, knowledgeable, and charismatic. They made "SportsCenter" fun, and they made it look easy. What they didn't do was make themselves more important than the coverage. The catch phrases were funny and new. You felt like they were trying to one up each other, make the other guy laugh. It felt organic. The "personalities" that have followed poorly ape what those guys did, and it sucks. New flash Stu: no one tunes in to see you or hear your terrible jokes. A 40-year-old Cyclops in a suit saying "Boo-yeah" isn't clever. It's f*cking obnoxious- especially the 100,000th time you hear it.
I literally think a pair of dice could have made better talent choices than ESPN has made over the past ten years. With all the channels, seasonal programs, panel shows, and "expert" commentary, I could spend a dozen columns looking at each of the "personalities" on The Leader, but I'm going to limit myself to the worst of the worst.
Stuart Scott
Let's get this one out of the way. Stuart Scott is the personification of everything that is wrong with ESPN and with Disney in general. He's a pompous, arrogant, obnoxious, self-righteous, shameless, soulless corporate shill, a third-rate plagiarist of original, talented men who came before him, a sell-out pillaging his own culture for credibility and profit, an absolutely despicable whore whose only skill is entertaining the lowest common denominator with hack attempts at comedy, thinly veiled moral posturing, and his proximity to real talent.
Dick Vitale
Dick Vitale is an embarrassment. He is a cartoon character. Between his unbearable catch phrases, constant yelling, shameless Duke/ACC bias, I have no idea how he's stuck around for almost 30 years. Despite an almost universal hatred for Dickie V and Duke outside of Durham, ESPN has extended his contract through the 2012-2013 season. I guess we can just hope he dies. And soon.
Desmond Howard
Exposed as a top draft pick in the NFL, Howard was exposed again in the broadcasting game when he earnestly broke down, in his choppy, repetitive version of English, a Cal-Texas 2006 Holiday Bowl match-up that existed only in his feeble imagination. If we were UM grads, we'd be mortified that the marble-mouthed Howard is the de facto spokesman for our university on the Worldwide Leader.
Skip Bayless
I hate to even give this guy a moment's thought. Jesse has dubbed him The Professional Hater. He hates Allen Iverson, the 70's Cowboys, LeBron James, the '02 Buckeyes, the '01 Patriots, beer, candy, smiles, apple pie, and fireworks. He hates whatever will get him attention because he doesn't have an original thought in his head. He's just a sensationalistic contrarian hack. He also hates doing research as proven by endless factual distortions, errors, and ridiculous predictions. Most recently, he went on Jim Rome's terrible show and slandered former University of Illinois basketball star Eddie Johnson, confusing him for another Eddie Johnson who had been arrested on child molestation charges. Johnson later named Skippy in a lawsuit which was settled for an undisclosed amount. How he didn't get fired for that, I have no idea.
Mel Kiper Jr.
You have to have some respect for a guy who can continue to get paid for being terrible at his job. No one at ESPN is more consistently wrong than Kiper. It's remarkable really. Not to mention that he looks like an extra from the taxi stand in Goodfellas.
Jim Rome
I know this one is going to be divisive, but Jim Rome is a tool. There's no way around it. This is a guy who instigated a fight with Jim Everett, a guy who came on his show in good faith as a guest, and Rome got his shit handed to him on live television. Now he has a show with the worst name ever, "Jim Rome is Burning", that is all about his "in-your-face" moral posturing. Please. You're a scumbag, Jim. Your show is for insecure teenage pussies who mimic your tough guy attitude and repeat your idiotic "takes" verbatim on sports message boards.
Ron Franklin
Owner of one of the richest Southern accents on television, Franklin, the ex-radio voice of the Houston Oilers, is so old school you'll want to break out the mint juleps, dust off the Confederate flag, and push for the re-institution of sharecropping just from hearing his mellifluous tones. He did a solid for the man's world when he patronized built-for-comfort sideline-girl Holly Rowe in 2005: in response to Rowe opining that a team's coaching staff was giving up late in a game, Franklin intoned, "Holly, it's not giving up. It's 49-21, sweetheart." Wack!
Scoop Jackson
I'll let Jason Whitlock, former Page 2 columnist and no stranger to writing about race in sports, take this one for me: "Scoop is a clown. And the publishing of his fake ghetto posturing is an insult to black intelligence, and it interferes with intelligent discussion of important racial issues." In another hilariously backwards move by The Leader, Whitlock was fired from Page 2 for that comment. Keep the race-baiting, marginally talented hack; fire the very smart, very talented guy who rightly criticized him. Brilliant.
Lou Holtz
Note to the Worldwide Leader: when hiring a college football analyst, make sure he, a.) doesn't have a speech impediment, and b.) doesn't automatically pick a team he once coached to win, no matter how lopsided the result. We're waiting for this exchange:
Rece: "USC and William & Mary. Coach?"
Lou: "Well guys... William & Mary is going to win. And I'm uh-tell you why."
Michael Irvin
Retired athletes are rarely good. Nine times out of ten they are only there for name recognition. They almost never provide any real insight, most aren't very well spoken, and some can't even seem to read at 5th grade level. Irvin is pretty well spoken, and he seems to be able to read. The problem is he's a despicable human being. Why, out of all the retired players out there, would you hire Irvin? I'm not sure Michael Irvin has ever made a good decision in his life, and you are surprised when he gets arrested with a crack pipe or makes a silly racial comment? Unbelievable. More unbelievable, he still has his job.
Joe Morgan
The Big Red Machine was a great team. We all know, Joe. You can stop bringing it up. It also might be helpful if you knew which pitches were which, had a loose grasp on the Major League strike zone, and let facts shape your opinions.
Chris Berman
I'm not sure who told Chris Berman he was funny, but whoever it was should be drawn and quartered. Here's a list of some Chris's hilarious nicknames:
Pat "Side" Burns
Jeff Conine "the Barbarian"
Steve "Detroit" Lyons
Gary Sheffield "of Dreams"
Sammy "Say it Ain't" Sosa
He's totally unwatchable at this point. All he does is make sound effects and make up the least creative nicknames of all-time. Unfortunately for us, they will never get rid of him. He's been there forever.
Nick Lachey
Need more proof that ESPN doesn't give a f*ck about real sports fans? How about when Nick Lachey joined College Gameday?
John Clayton
John Clayton is actually a good football analyst, but he's terrifying. Just make him write. This falls into the same category as commentators that can't speak. There are really only three requirements for being a TV sports personality: know your beat, be able to speak on camera, and don't make babies cry with your hideous mug. It is TV, after all. I don't want to look at that guy's horrific head. I'm sorry, but every time I see him I can't help image his mother's vagina being ripped to shreds during his birth. And the hairline... Sweet Jesus.
Jeremy Schaap
Callow, afflicted with terminal head-bob, and insufferably self-righteous, Jeremy in his nepotistic background makes George W. Bush look like the model of a self-made man. Bobby Knight had it right: He has a lot to learn from his father. At this point, it's doubtful he will.
Lee Corso
Corso is ESPN's football version of Dick Vitale- the unsuccessful former coach-turned-comic relief. As a coach, he had the habit of landing at basketball schools like Louisville and Indiana; as an analyst, he has the habit of invariably going wrong in his pre-game prediction/donning of the headgear. It's bad enough that he calls other men "Sweetheart." Its worse that he's consistently wrong in pretty much everything he says.
Steven A. Smith
Steven A. Smith is Walt Disney's Uncle Remus of the 21st Century. He's the most racist stereotype on television- an ignorant, loud, obnoxious black man all dressed up so he shuck and jive. They might as well put him in a clown suit and black face. "I yell everything I say, load it with street slang, cry racism at every opportunity, and most of my opinions are either absurdly simplistic or make no ****ing sense!"
There was a time when you could turn on ESPN and see sports coverage without mindless idiots waxing moronic with overused, annoying, nonsensical catch phrases and sensationalistic, ill-informed contrarianism, or worse- mumble-mouthed former pros who can't even read from a goddamn teleprompter. There was a time when the on air "talent" was actually talented- or at least competent.
Dan Patrick, Keith Olbermann, Craig Kilborn, Rich Eisen, and Charley Steiner- the literal and figurative anchors during The Golden Age- are gone. Of that mid-90s powerhouse staff, only Kenny Mayne (who just recently returned and is only signed on to do 50 shows in '07), Rece Davis, Steve Levy, Karl Ravech, Linda Cohen and Chris Berman remain in regular rotation. It's like how John and George are dead, and we are left with Paul and Ringo. It's proof that God, and in this case Disney, hates us.
Here's the real issue: Patrick, Olbermann, Kilborn, and to a lesser extend Kenny Mayne made names for themselves on SportsCenter with their personalities. They were funny, knowledgeable, and charismatic. They made "SportsCenter" fun, and they made it look easy. What they didn't do was make themselves more important than the coverage. The catch phrases were funny and new. You felt like they were trying to one up each other, make the other guy laugh. It felt organic. The "personalities" that have followed poorly ape what those guys did, and it sucks. New flash Stu: no one tunes in to see you or hear your terrible jokes. A 40-year-old Cyclops in a suit saying "Boo-yeah" isn't clever. It's f*cking obnoxious- especially the 100,000th time you hear it.
I literally think a pair of dice could have made better talent choices than ESPN has made over the past ten years. With all the channels, seasonal programs, panel shows, and "expert" commentary, I could spend a dozen columns looking at each of the "personalities" on The Leader, but I'm going to limit myself to the worst of the worst.
Stuart Scott
Let's get this one out of the way. Stuart Scott is the personification of everything that is wrong with ESPN and with Disney in general. He's a pompous, arrogant, obnoxious, self-righteous, shameless, soulless corporate shill, a third-rate plagiarist of original, talented men who came before him, a sell-out pillaging his own culture for credibility and profit, an absolutely despicable whore whose only skill is entertaining the lowest common denominator with hack attempts at comedy, thinly veiled moral posturing, and his proximity to real talent.
Dick Vitale
Dick Vitale is an embarrassment. He is a cartoon character. Between his unbearable catch phrases, constant yelling, shameless Duke/ACC bias, I have no idea how he's stuck around for almost 30 years. Despite an almost universal hatred for Dickie V and Duke outside of Durham, ESPN has extended his contract through the 2012-2013 season. I guess we can just hope he dies. And soon.
Desmond Howard
Exposed as a top draft pick in the NFL, Howard was exposed again in the broadcasting game when he earnestly broke down, in his choppy, repetitive version of English, a Cal-Texas 2006 Holiday Bowl match-up that existed only in his feeble imagination. If we were UM grads, we'd be mortified that the marble-mouthed Howard is the de facto spokesman for our university on the Worldwide Leader.
Skip Bayless
I hate to even give this guy a moment's thought. Jesse has dubbed him The Professional Hater. He hates Allen Iverson, the 70's Cowboys, LeBron James, the '02 Buckeyes, the '01 Patriots, beer, candy, smiles, apple pie, and fireworks. He hates whatever will get him attention because he doesn't have an original thought in his head. He's just a sensationalistic contrarian hack. He also hates doing research as proven by endless factual distortions, errors, and ridiculous predictions. Most recently, he went on Jim Rome's terrible show and slandered former University of Illinois basketball star Eddie Johnson, confusing him for another Eddie Johnson who had been arrested on child molestation charges. Johnson later named Skippy in a lawsuit which was settled for an undisclosed amount. How he didn't get fired for that, I have no idea.
Mel Kiper Jr.
You have to have some respect for a guy who can continue to get paid for being terrible at his job. No one at ESPN is more consistently wrong than Kiper. It's remarkable really. Not to mention that he looks like an extra from the taxi stand in Goodfellas.
Jim Rome
I know this one is going to be divisive, but Jim Rome is a tool. There's no way around it. This is a guy who instigated a fight with Jim Everett, a guy who came on his show in good faith as a guest, and Rome got his shit handed to him on live television. Now he has a show with the worst name ever, "Jim Rome is Burning", that is all about his "in-your-face" moral posturing. Please. You're a scumbag, Jim. Your show is for insecure teenage pussies who mimic your tough guy attitude and repeat your idiotic "takes" verbatim on sports message boards.
Ron Franklin
Owner of one of the richest Southern accents on television, Franklin, the ex-radio voice of the Houston Oilers, is so old school you'll want to break out the mint juleps, dust off the Confederate flag, and push for the re-institution of sharecropping just from hearing his mellifluous tones. He did a solid for the man's world when he patronized built-for-comfort sideline-girl Holly Rowe in 2005: in response to Rowe opining that a team's coaching staff was giving up late in a game, Franklin intoned, "Holly, it's not giving up. It's 49-21, sweetheart." Wack!
Scoop Jackson
I'll let Jason Whitlock, former Page 2 columnist and no stranger to writing about race in sports, take this one for me: "Scoop is a clown. And the publishing of his fake ghetto posturing is an insult to black intelligence, and it interferes with intelligent discussion of important racial issues." In another hilariously backwards move by The Leader, Whitlock was fired from Page 2 for that comment. Keep the race-baiting, marginally talented hack; fire the very smart, very talented guy who rightly criticized him. Brilliant.
Lou Holtz
Note to the Worldwide Leader: when hiring a college football analyst, make sure he, a.) doesn't have a speech impediment, and b.) doesn't automatically pick a team he once coached to win, no matter how lopsided the result. We're waiting for this exchange:
Rece: "USC and William & Mary. Coach?"
Lou: "Well guys... William & Mary is going to win. And I'm uh-tell you why."
Michael Irvin
Retired athletes are rarely good. Nine times out of ten they are only there for name recognition. They almost never provide any real insight, most aren't very well spoken, and some can't even seem to read at 5th grade level. Irvin is pretty well spoken, and he seems to be able to read. The problem is he's a despicable human being. Why, out of all the retired players out there, would you hire Irvin? I'm not sure Michael Irvin has ever made a good decision in his life, and you are surprised when he gets arrested with a crack pipe or makes a silly racial comment? Unbelievable. More unbelievable, he still has his job.
Joe Morgan
The Big Red Machine was a great team. We all know, Joe. You can stop bringing it up. It also might be helpful if you knew which pitches were which, had a loose grasp on the Major League strike zone, and let facts shape your opinions.
Chris Berman
I'm not sure who told Chris Berman he was funny, but whoever it was should be drawn and quartered. Here's a list of some Chris's hilarious nicknames:
Pat "Side" Burns
Jeff Conine "the Barbarian"
Steve "Detroit" Lyons
Gary Sheffield "of Dreams"
Sammy "Say it Ain't" Sosa
He's totally unwatchable at this point. All he does is make sound effects and make up the least creative nicknames of all-time. Unfortunately for us, they will never get rid of him. He's been there forever.
Nick Lachey
Need more proof that ESPN doesn't give a f*ck about real sports fans? How about when Nick Lachey joined College Gameday?
John Clayton
John Clayton is actually a good football analyst, but he's terrifying. Just make him write. This falls into the same category as commentators that can't speak. There are really only three requirements for being a TV sports personality: know your beat, be able to speak on camera, and don't make babies cry with your hideous mug. It is TV, after all. I don't want to look at that guy's horrific head. I'm sorry, but every time I see him I can't help image his mother's vagina being ripped to shreds during his birth. And the hairline... Sweet Jesus.
Jeremy Schaap
Callow, afflicted with terminal head-bob, and insufferably self-righteous, Jeremy in his nepotistic background makes George W. Bush look like the model of a self-made man. Bobby Knight had it right: He has a lot to learn from his father. At this point, it's doubtful he will.
Lee Corso
Corso is ESPN's football version of Dick Vitale- the unsuccessful former coach-turned-comic relief. As a coach, he had the habit of landing at basketball schools like Louisville and Indiana; as an analyst, he has the habit of invariably going wrong in his pre-game prediction/donning of the headgear. It's bad enough that he calls other men "Sweetheart." Its worse that he's consistently wrong in pretty much everything he says.
Steven A. Smith
Steven A. Smith is Walt Disney's Uncle Remus of the 21st Century. He's the most racist stereotype on television- an ignorant, loud, obnoxious black man all dressed up so he shuck and jive. They might as well put him in a clown suit and black face. "I yell everything I say, load it with street slang, cry racism at every opportunity, and most of my opinions are either absurdly simplistic or make no ****ing sense!"
