GL Jack-Man on Colon procedure
- Thread starter bohawk
- Start date
If you get a delivery for flowers and chocolates tomorrow then i think something went down. Before the procedure did he ask you if you wanted soft music put on? Bad sign. Nice gesture but bad sign.
:mj07: Dave Barry :mj07:
> Date: Sunday, June 29, 2008, 8:20 AM
> This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
> >
> > ... I called my friend Andy Sable, a
> gastroenterolgist, to make an
> > appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in
> his office, Andy
> > showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy
> organ that appears
> > to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly
> through
> > Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy
> procedure to me in a
> > thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded
> thoughtfully, but I
> > didn't really hear anything he said, because my
> brain was shrieking,
> > quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET
> UP YOUR
> BEHIND!'
> >
> > I left Andy's office with some written
> instructions, and a
> > prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'
> which comes in a box
> > large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss
> MoviPrep in
> > detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must
> never allow it to
> > fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
> >
> > I spent the next several days productively sitting
> around being
> > nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I
> began my
> > preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I
> didn't eat any
> > solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth,
> which is basically
> > water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I
> took the
> > MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a
> one-liter
> > plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
> (For those
> > unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
> gallons.) Then
> > you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an
> hour, because
> > MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a
> mixture of goat
> > spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
> >
> > The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by
> somebody with a
> > great sense of humor, state that after you drink it,
> 'a loose watery
> > bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like
> saying that after you
> > jump off your roof, you may experience contact with
> the ground.
> >
> > MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be
> too graphic, here,
> > but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This
> is pretty much
> > the MoviPrep
> > experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times
> when you wish the
> > commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours
> pretty much confined
> > to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
> everything. And
> > then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you
> have to drink
> > another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I
> can tell, your
> > bowels travel into the future and star t eliminating
> food that you
> > have not even eaten yet.
> >
> > After an action-packed evening, I finally got to
> sleep. The next
> > morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
> nervous. Not only
> > was I worried
> > about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
> occasional return
> > bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What
> if I spurt on
> Andy?'
> > How do you
> > apologize to a friend for something like that?
> Flowers would not be
> enough.
> >
> > At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging
> that I understood
> > and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms
> said. Then they
> > led me to a
> > room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went
> inside a little
> > curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one
> of those
> > hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the
> kind that, when you
> > put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when
> you are actually
> > naked.
> >
> > Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein
> in my left
> > hand. ; Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie
> was very good, and
> > I
> > was already
> > lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put
> vodka in their
> > MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't
> thought of this, but
> > then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself
> too tipsy to
> > make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around
> in full Fire
> > Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your
> house.
> >
> > W hen everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
> procedure room,
> > where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
> anesthesiologist. I did not
> > see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it
> hidden around there
> > somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
> Andy had me roll
> > over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began
> hooking something
> > up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing
> in the room, and
> > I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen'
> by ABBA I remarked to
> > Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing
> during this
> > particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to
> be the least
> appropriate.
> >
> > 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from
> somewhere behind me.
> 'Ha
> > ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I
> had been dreading
> for
> > more than a
> > decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself,
> because I am going to
> > tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was
> like.
> >
> > I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One
> moment, ABBA was
> > yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the
> tambourine,' and the
> next
> > moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a
> very mellow mood.
> > Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.
> I felt
> > excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told
> me that It was
> > all over, and that my colon had passed with flying
> colors. I have
> > never been prouder of an internal organ.
> >
> > ABOUT THE WRITER
> > Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist
> for the Miami
> Herald
> Date: Sunday, June 29, 2008, 8:20 AM
> This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
> >
> > ... I called my friend Andy Sable, a
> gastroenterolgist, to make an
> > appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in
> his office, Andy
> > showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy
> organ that appears
> > to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly
> through
> > Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy
> procedure to me in a
> > thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded
> thoughtfully, but I
> > didn't really hear anything he said, because my
> brain was shrieking,
> > quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET
> UP YOUR
> BEHIND!'
> >
> > I left Andy's office with some written
> instructions, and a
> > prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'
> which comes in a box
> > large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss
> MoviPrep in
> > detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must
> never allow it to
> > fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
> >
> > I spent the next several days productively sitting
> around being
> > nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I
> began my
> > preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I
> didn't eat any
> > solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth,
> which is basically
> > water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I
> took the
> > MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a
> one-liter
> > plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
> (For those
> > unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
> gallons.) Then
> > you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an
> hour, because
> > MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a
> mixture of goat
> > spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
> >
> > The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by
> somebody with a
> > great sense of humor, state that after you drink it,
> 'a loose watery
> > bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like
> saying that after you
> > jump off your roof, you may experience contact with
> the ground.
> >
> > MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be
> too graphic, here,
> > but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This
> is pretty much
> > the MoviPrep
> > experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times
> when you wish the
> > commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours
> pretty much confined
> > to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
> everything. And
> > then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you
> have to drink
> > another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I
> can tell, your
> > bowels travel into the future and star t eliminating
> food that you
> > have not even eaten yet.
> >
> > After an action-packed evening, I finally got to
> sleep. The next
> > morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
> nervous. Not only
> > was I worried
> > about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
> occasional return
> > bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What
> if I spurt on
> Andy?'
> > How do you
> > apologize to a friend for something like that?
> Flowers would not be
> enough.
> >
> > At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging
> that I understood
> > and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms
> said. Then they
> > led me to a
> > room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went
> inside a little
> > curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one
> of those
> > hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the
> kind that, when you
> > put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when
> you are actually
> > naked.
> >
> > Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein
> in my left
> > hand. ; Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie
> was very good, and
> > I
> > was already
> > lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put
> vodka in their
> > MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't
> thought of this, but
> > then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself
> too tipsy to
> > make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around
> in full Fire
> > Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your
> house.
> >
> > W hen everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
> procedure room,
> > where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
> anesthesiologist. I did not
> > see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it
> hidden around there
> > somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
> Andy had me roll
> > over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began
> hooking something
> > up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing
> in the room, and
> > I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen'
> by ABBA I remarked to
> > Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing
> during this
> > particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to
> be the least
> appropriate.
> >
> > 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from
> somewhere behind me.
> 'Ha
> > ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I
> had been dreading
> for
> > more than a
> > decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself,
> because I am going to
> > tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was
> like.
> >
> > I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One
> moment, ABBA was
> > yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the
> tambourine,' and the
> next
> > moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a
> very mellow mood.
> > Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.
> I felt
> > excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told
> me that It was
> > all over, and that my colon had passed with flying
> colors. I have
> > never been prouder of an internal organ.
> >
> > ABOUT THE WRITER
> > Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist
> for the Miami
> Herald
That is why that guy gets paid to write Bad, pretty much right on the money and very eloquently relayed :mj07:
