Help

[NickiD]

I'm looking to you guys because I don't know where else to turn. All my friends and family give me advise that is very one sided. I am often present here and reading but post only on occassion. I am not a frequent gambler, but an adrinaline junkie so feel that I have a common bond with some of you and have a gambler in my life that I Love dearly. I am trying to love him and give him the freedom, privacy, and space he needs but no matter how hard I try there is always something or someone that he is drawn to more than me. I know he loves me but is always more drawn the unreachable or unknown or chance of doing better. Whether its that bet - beating the system or its the thrill you get of doing something your not supposed to and the chance of getting away with it. His life revolves around the high from those thrills. It seems in all areas the more I indulge what he wants, his privacy, his fantasy's, his vices - the more he expects, the less he appreciates, and the more he pushes me away. Each time I get to my limit and am ready to walk away is when he pursues me the most and I always come back because I love him and at those moments the parts of him where I have conected the deepest are all I can see. Is there a way I can be more tolerent and also make myself happy and content or should I just remove myself from this situation and bide my time till I am over it - if that will happen?

I feel that you guys are a good group: with all you wit and humor - most of you also have good hearts and might could shed some light or at least make me laugh.

Thanks

 

[freelancc]

you need to confront him about it. Awareness is the pillar of change. Maybe he is not aware of how this affects you.

then build from there..

 

[Captain Crunch]

I will make this short. Don't ever get involved with someone who is selfish and it sounds like this guy fits the description. People who think more of themselves than being a team player are nobody you want to have a relationship with. There are plenty of other people out there who won't use you and try and real you back in. You will never be totally happy in a relationship like this and this pattern will more than likely continue. I saw a quote on a sign in front of a church one time that read "None are so empty as those that are so full of themselves." Sounds like he is the empty one. Its third and 31 from your own 18 yard line, I think it is time to drop back and punt. Good Luck

 

[Escrow_Tum]

He is taking you for granted. He may have a gambling problem as well. Of course you are going to connect to him at those times, because he is pulling out all stops and will show what it takes to put a good taste into your mouth at that time. Then the shadow of doubt will be cast ever deeper, because there is going to be a next time.

Ask yourself these simple questions.

What really made you like/love this guy? And how often are you feeling that "connection?" If it is only after he begs you not to go, yes, drop back and punt on 3rd down, because if you wait until 4th down, you may get your punt blocked if you fall any deeper into your own territory. (Save your heart sweetie)

Does he spend any quality time with you at all outside of the bedroom? Does he give you his full attention the times you are alone or is he always preoccupied? If those answers are not suitable to your happiness, fire your offensive coordinator and take some time to find a new one. In other words, if you have the chance to walk away without falling any deeper, the "wounds" heal much faster and the scars are not nearly as bad. Eventually his selfish and addictive behaviour can take you down with him. It will only be a matter of time before he is sucking not only the life but money out of you as well.

As the other fella said as well. Confront him. You don't have to get all up in his grill like that homo Tommy Grand from Cheaters, but you can have a heart to heart conversation with him. Saying one thing and doing it are another thing. If he can make a concerted effort and gradually change his behaviour and give you more priority then he is worth keeping. If he cannot or gets offended by the mere event of you bringing it up, you need to cut your losses. There are plenty of good fish out there in Bikini Bottom.

In all seriousness, your gut instinct will not fail you. Remember what you liked about him and how often it happens.

Hope it works out for you.

 

[SixFive]

I think it's a common misconception of women to think that everything is because of them or about them. Not dogging you at all, but maybe it's not about you in some of these situations. Just a thought.


Also, is he involved in criminal activity? Your post was a tad vague, but that's the impression I got from it. That would help me decide if he is.

If you pray, pray hard about it. This is an important decision. Hard to break up if it's in your comfort level. That leads to something new and different that's out of your comfort zone.

 

[NickiD]

Thanks for your responses I was pleasantly surprised at the time you guys took to truly give me insightful answers and they were greatly appreciated.

Freelance - I have and do continue to confront him on occassion which he usually when he turns in the the "saint"

Captain - you made some very good comments - at this point he isn't quite at either extreme and there is middle ground that we connect and get along and not just sexually, although that's alwasy been a strong point of his. No matter what girls say sex is just as important to us in a relationship we just often aren't as driven by it, but we will certaily work harder to keep the rest going if that part works exceptionally well .............

Captian & Escrow - you both hit the nail on the head he is selfish, but at times so am I - you don't make to your mid-adult life still single without getting used to things being only your way and we are both kinda in that boat and since I DONT financially need a man - I find my self in a pattern a "bailing" when things don't go my way so I'm searcing for a happy medium, which is difficult.

I am just having such a hard time with the more I try to give the more he expects, but I need to stand my ground and not lower my expectations of what it takes to make me happy. With his faults he also has alot of good, the question will be will he be willing to work harder at this relationship along with me, if I have to spend all my energy working against him, I can't keep it up.

Six_ I try to keep in mind that everything isn't about me but we women can use a reminding, although its better to come from a third party male instead of directly - I probably wouldn't take the comment from him as well even if it is often true. Its crazy how men and women have such different perspectives, thats one reason I love this board it gives a little insight that is helpful to me when dealing with the other gender.

Thanks to you guys - my week is going a little better now

 

[Waldo]

One simple question to ask yourself - 'Can I imagine the rest of my life without ______ in it?'

IMO, settling for someone who is close to being the person you are looking for is a mistake. Seen it happen too many times. Has to be better to be happily single than unhappily married.

Good luck

 

[Blazer]

Nicki-

It sounds like there aren't any rules or boundaries to your relationship. Both of your posts refer to ?sometimes? a lot. In my marriage, we have ?date night? where no matter what we spend time together on that night. No NHL games, no trading spaces, no ?but the boys are this?, no ?the girls are that? are allowed. It?s the one night a week we spend together alone. We often spend other nights sitting on the couch or whatever but that one night is a nice centering process. Plus it?s kinda cool to say ?no, I have a date tonight? even though I?ve been married awhile.

I also have ?boys night? without my wife once a week. This way I can hang out ?without the ol? ball and chain? and drink, cuss, and engage in things she doesn?t care to be a part of like poker, pot, and basketball. She has a ?girls night? where she does things I don?t like to engage in like ?The Bachelor?, sitting around talking about other peoples relationships, and home d?cor.

Don?t think our lives are completely structured. To say the opposite would be closer to the truth. We are often very busy and we both work long hours. I think the point I?m trying to make is to make my relationship work we have made boundaries. It takes work on both sides to keep our boundaries in place. If both partners aren?t willing to work then one will work to hard and become frustrated and overwhelmed. That seems to be you.

The sometimes sinner/sometimes saint thing is lame. Grown-ups have to learn to be consistent. We expect our dogs to be consistent, so we should expect the same from our spouses.

If I may give advice it would be sit down and make some rules. ?Date night? or ?never eat dinner without making sure the other has eaten - try not to eat alone? or ? go to the grocery store every Monday? or ?Church (Temple or Mosque) every Sunday or Sat.? anything will do. You need to build the consistency in your relationship where you and he know how far to push and when to let go.

Good Luck- Blazer

 

[NickiD]

Wow Blazer -you are right - we have no boundaries - I just kinda test the waters each day to see what's appropriate. I work comepletley around him for the most part and when he plans the nights out I try to plan a night out at the same time. Which aggravets him - he would much rather me stay home. Although, I'm not sure how to fix he because he all but refuses to "plan ahead" his life "is much to taxing"

Waldo - so far I have tried hard to imagine my life without him - I think he has too... but we somehow can't seem to do it and we are always drawn back to each other.

Right now I'm reserved to try a little longer, but my doubts I think sometimes sabotage (can't spell..lol) or at the least push us into the next breakdown.

Thanks though get honest male views is fantastic - Of course my "girlfriends" all cater to me when I'm upset - but I believe that "Just because two people agree with you doesn't make you right"

You guys are the greatest - I think I'll stay here forever.. as long as you guys don't mind. Maybe I'll even learn some more about handicapping and ohh then wouldn't he be proud! lol

 

[StevieD]

NickiD, Don't think this guy is going to change. In fact he will probably get worse. He sounds selfish to me and I know I am glad I am not involved with a selfish person. So when you think about being with this guy for life think about how it is now. Not how you woulod like it to be.

 

[NickiD]

I had to bump this thread to let you guys know that although I didn't directly listen at the time I am learning the hard way and am on my way out of this situation - I am further invested than I was initially but enough has transpired that my emotions are numb enough to move on - although I have been clear that behavior and selfishness are completely unacceptable I have stuck around so long he no longer believes me but I will be moving on and may be posting here for support in the meantime - shoud have listened to you guys in the first place - I just thought he loved me at least enough to compete with his love for himself - but I was wrong and you guys were right....

I will hang around here if you don't mind and may need some encouragement in the meantime..hope you don't mind...lol

If You know some good ole southern boy who appreciates an attrative, self sufficient woman who likes the entrigue of the chance and aspires for knowledge of the statistics and mathmatics send them my way


Hey Justin's Mom and Helen if I can swing coming to vegas for Superbowl can I stay with you guys - I'll bring a sleeping bag and would share expenses - just would be lost in Las Vegas on my own

 

[Captain Crunch]

Best of luck to you Nicki. Life is a continual learning experience, and it sounds like you learned something here. Bet you won't make the same mistake again. Good things come to those who wait.

 

[Penguinfan]

:yup

 

[freelancc]

NickiD.... you are not alone..


best wishes..:yup

 

[NickiD]

Bump - from his response in the "Confessions thread" surely Taoist isn't suggesting this is about him :shrug:

Kinda arrogant this guy and I broke up last year - he actually proposed before it all ended but its not hard to figure out from my embarrassing desperation above the relationship wasn't good for either of us and I started hanging around here to try to get some insight and stuck around for the information, jokes, and conversation.. and I occasionally learn a few new things about my gambling passion - Poker

I've even played in the online game with the crew from "Madjacks" - that was a blast.

Oh yeah, and the guy described above has moved on and we both got over it with out all the drama - which certainly doesn't describe Taoist's reactions........


:shrug:

 

[Mjolnir]

nicki
life is to short to waste time on someone who doesn't treat you right. i have wasted alot of time this way. i'm sure you have had people that are good to you and it sounds like this guy isn't.
be good to yourself, walk away and try to find the right person.
gl

 

[ALWAYS PRAYEN]

nicki got a pic?

puff puff

lol


no serious

 

[neverteaseit]

ap i was thinking the same thing lol. someone said she has no chest. lets us be the judge of that. post a pick I am sure we will give it kind reviews .

 

[DR STRANGELOVE]

she won't do it...
:tongue

 

[NickiD]

Thanks Mj.... this relationship actually ended over 6 months ago - I was in a desperate state (kinda embarrassing) when I wrote this but brought it back to light since Taoist keeps attacking me. - he just needs to get over himself.............. so I bumped just trying to clarify that I am not anyone that just showed up to taunt him...????????? anyway thank goodness things got so much better all around when I finally made that decision and kept it final.

On so many occassions the people around here have been helpful, caring, great for information and a good laugh.


Always - I'm not so sure what you would do with a pic... puff puff.. lol