How To Translate Personal Ads

[Senor Capper]

WOMEN'S ADS: 40-ish....................................49


Adventurer.............................Slept with all your friends
Athletic..................................No tits
Average looking......................Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful................................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile....................Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated..........................Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure.................Medicated
Feminist..................................Fat ball buster
Free spirit...............................Junkie
Friendship first................Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun......................................Annoying
Gentle...................................Comatose
Good Listener........................Borderline Autistic
New-Age...............................All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned.......Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded..........................Desperate
Outgoing................................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate..............................Sloppy drunk
Poet.......................................Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional............................Certified Bitch
Redhead.................................Bad dye-job
Reubenesque...........................Grossly Fat
Romantic................................Looks better by candle light
Social..............Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
Voluptuous.............................Very Fat
Height/weight proportional.......Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate......................Stalker
Widow................................Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart. .......................Old bat



MEN'S ADS: 40-ish.....................................52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic...................................Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking...........Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, &back
Educated..............................Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit........... ...................Banging your sister
Friendship first...................As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun.................................Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking...........................Arrogant
Very good looking....................Dumb as a board
Honest....................................Pathological Liar
Huggable.......................Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle........................Insecure mama's boy
Mature....................................Older than your father
Open-minded....Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Physically fit............................Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet.......................Wrote ex-girlfriend's phone number on a bathroom stall
Sensitive..................................Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive...........................Gay
Spiritual....................................Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable..........................Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful......................Says "Excuse me" when he farts

 

[Senor Capper]

I Found Nemo !!!!

I Found Nemo !!!!

 

[Senor Capper]

My Kids love this one........

My Kids love this one........

Eulogy


It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon...Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Buttersworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Capt'n Crunch, Mr. Goodbar, The Tidy Bowl Man, and many others.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded, always rose to the occasion, but whose later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much his time on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was considered a roll model for millions, even as a crusty old man.

Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and a bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

 

[boilermaker]

:142lmao: :142smilie :clap: :grins: Very good Lanny. Hope all is well. Ron

 

[Chanman]

:142smilie