down everywhere, here's CJ's comment on it
down everywhere, here's CJ's comment on it
Friday, February 13, 2004. ConsumptionJunction.com
Paris (and servers) Get Fu..ked
We don't know anything about that, your honor. We were out of town.
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Much like my editorials of late, Friday the 13th is a sporadic event of little true significance, but one that tends to bring ill tidings and generally cursed luck.
How appropriate it is then, that I get to deliver today?s news: our servers have crashed at the hands, mouth, and tits of a blonde, billionaire Holocaust waif named Paris Hilton. At 5 AM this morning, the full-length, 37 minute Paris Hilton fu..ky-fu...k video went live in the video section, and our servers have been choked like a Russian outhouse on Borscht Day ever since.
And with good reason, in my opinion. The full-length video, though not the world?s most spankable porno, is chockfull of the lessons of one man ? one great, great man ? Rick Salomon.
Prior to the sex video scandal, I wouldn?t have shat in Rick Salomon?s mouth if he were dying of scurvy and I could crap Fruit Loops. I assume everyone else felt the same, and that no one outside of Hollywood knew whom he was. He is not a classically attractive man (we can?t all be as blessed as me) and yet, here he is, hollowing out some of the finest, wealthiest, most unattainable women in the world. Paris Hilton, Shannon Doherty ? this guy is an Uppity Bitch Mack. He finds the snootiest bitches on Earth ? girls who would call their security goons on guys like me -- and turns them out like they?re sorority girls wasted at a Dave Matthews show. Homeboy deserves respect.
I?ve been analyzing his Mack Game all night, and, so far, I?ve only concluded that tagging the Vaginal Upper Crust requires laughing maniacally to overcome any bad joke, uncomfortable silence, or general lack of conversation skills. Rick Solomon?s key to success: when in doubt, laugh like a fu..king moron and smile.
Oh, and I suppose being hung like a telephone pole doesn?t hurt his cause any.
Alas, the video has been removed. If you want to see it, the official comment is GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.
Someone, somewhere, is making a ****-ton of money charging $50 a pop for this video. Hopefully, he'll have enough to stave off the Hilton lawyers.
Stay sick,
Paul at CJ
By the way, I wrote this after 24 straight hours of diddling with codecs and video compressors, so don't give me any shit about the grammar.