Mitt Romney vs. Ronald Reagan -- please hold your laughter because it's only getting funnier from here on out. Reagan stepped up as two-time governor of California who came within an inch of the nomination in 1976. He gave the keynote address at the Republican convention of 1964 and was a longtime consistent conservative for years prior to his running for president for the second time in 1980. Romney is an accomodationist technocrat who is an ideological pretzel of a man. In his four years as governor, Massachusetts ranked 49th in job creation and Katrina saved him from coming in at 50. But hey -- Romney has recently released a 59-point economic plan for recovery. Go ahead and name three of those 59 points -- see, told ya so. I have no idea why that right-wing clown in Dallas is attacking his Mormon faith -- it may be the only thing he really believes in.
This one is delicious -- Rick Perry vs. George H. W. Bush. I'm sorry, but Perry is Fred Thompson on steroids. To be clear, Thompson was actually a pretty damn good lawyer who has some intellectual heft to him -- although he hid it rather well in his 2008 race. On the contrary, Perry literally can't string two sentences together. His performance before the Values Voters Summit was universally panned. Perry couldn't give a good speech with all the time in the world to prepare. We are now told the problem is that he doesn't get enough sleep. Break out the Lunesta -- Rick Perry is coming storming back! Note to the Perry campaign: You are supposed to give him the Lunesta after the debate, not before. I know Perry speaks some Spanish but I don't believe "debate" translates to "siesta." Bush was a war hero, a successful entrepreneur, director of the Central Intelligence Agency, ambassador to the United Nations, U.S. envoy to China, and chairman of the Republican National Committee. George H. W. Bush went on to serve as vice president and president of the United States. Sorry, Rick, I don't see you filling those shoes anytime soon.
Let's match up Herman Cain vs Bob Dole. Like George H.W. Bush, Dole was a war hero, a member of the Kansas House of Representatives, elected to the U.S. House of Representatives, became a senator, was selected as a vice-presidential running mate, and chaired the Republican National Committee. He later went on to serve as chairman of the Senate Finance Committee, Senate majority leader, and Senate minority leader. Herman can't even make an edible pizza. Republican or not -- you have to admit, that stuff was pretty bad.
The two most qualified candidates, Newt Gingrich and Jon Huntsman, can't even get their own party to take them seriously. Jon Huntsman's career can be compared to Lowell Weicker's unsuccessful quest for a presidential nomination. Gingrich's public ethical issues have made him a presidential outcast. Regardless, these four are notoriously marked by their inability to get votes (in their favor that is.)
I'll conclude by saying that it may not be appropriate to refer to the Republican slate as a joke. I'm sorry I take it back -- they are, more fittingly, pathetic.
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Pity really
