one of the best stand up comedians of all time.
Rodney Dangerfield:
I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had
nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly... My father carried around a picture of a kid that came
with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born.
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,"I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide"
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in
the electric chair.
I'm so ugly; when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!
Rodney Dangerfield:
I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had
nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly... My father carried around a picture of a kid that came
with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born.
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,"I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide"
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in
the electric chair.
I'm so ugly; when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!
