~~~ Jewish Humor ~~~

[buddy]

5759 Year according to Jewish calendar... 4696 Year according to Chinese calendar... 1063 Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food _____________________________________

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers? "Is ANYTHING all right?" _____________________________________

Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the policeman says, "Your wife fell out of the car 5 miles back." Sam replies, "Thank god for that...I'd thought I'd gone deaf!" ______________________________________

Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: "They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."

______________________________________

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself", she replied. _____________________________________

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. _____________________________________

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak." The son says, "Why are you so weak?" She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call." ______________________________________

Jewish view on when life begins: There's a big controversy on when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school. _____________________________________

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

 

[buddy]

World History

With all the attention being given to the current war problems, interest is growing on the origin of the "Stan" in many of the nations involved, including the formerly named nations of Afgan, Paki, Turkmen, Uzbek, Kazak, and Kyrgyz.

You may recall the late Stanley W. Zublinsky of Port Royale, OK, who--in 1935--invented the first stainless steel, multi-purpose waffle iron.

Stanley's creation took off like hot cakes. He made millions and went public, Zublinsky Enterprises. The company was sold to a large conglomerate, leaving Stan with large amounts of cash and time. He ran for office numerous times, all unsuccessful--even his candidacy for Oklahoma Superintendent of Documents.

Still, Stanley Zublinsky wanted a legacy that went beyond the waffle iron, which no longer was associated with his name or defunct company. He approached some of the world leaders in a financially strapped area of the world regarding his desire to be remembered, and their need for hard cash.

Would the Republic of Afgan, for example, be willing to adopt Stanley Zublinsky's name in exchange for American dollars?

Afgan would become Afganizublinsky. That was too much even for the poorest of nations. But a compromise was struck, based on his first name.

The rest, of course, is history. Also geography.

 

[buddy]

Tell your friend Veronica
It's time to celebrate Hanukkah
I hope I get a harmonica
On this lovely lovely Hanukkah
So drink your gin and tonica
But don't smoke marijuanica
If you really really wannika
Have a Happy Happy Happy Happy Hanukkah

Happy Hannukah Everybody!

Merry Christmas and Happy Hannukah!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Man, I could go for a pork chop!)

 

[Trampled Underfoot]

What's the ultimate Jewish dilema?

Free Ham.

 

[THE KOD]

Funny stuff buddy

Here is one -

These two dwarfs were very small men and they decided to both go down and be measured by the Guiness Book to see if they qualified in any category. They wanted fame.

They get there and the first dwarf says, I am going to try for the smallest fingers in the world. So he goes in and in about two hours he comes out and says ....I got in ......smallest fingers in the world.

The second dwarf says ...well I got the smallest penis in the world so I should have no trouble getting in the Guiness Book.

I bet my penis is not even a inch long fully erect. The second dwarf agrees with him and waits outside.

After about two hours the doors crash open and the dwarf screams ----


WHO THE HELL IS EricG !


Scott King of the Dogs

 

[Roger]

:lol:

jewish jokes had me rollin'!!!

happy hannukkah buddy!!!

 

[JOSHNAUDI]

My buddy thought it would be funny to give me the name Jewsh (Josh) in our Bowling league, so in his honor here his favorite Jewish joke of all time.

Jewish Son: Dad, can I borrow 40 bucks?

Jewish Dad: 30 bucks, what the hell do you need 20 bucks for!

 

[djv]

Good Stuff buddy. A good laugh is welcomed any time. Happy New year. LOL

 

[buddy]

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
Morris, the old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

So I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated the sum of $1.60.....

Then my wife's uncle Bernie died and left us two million dollars."

 

[buddy]

It was Chanukah and the Tiny Village was in fear of not having any latkes because they had run out of flour.

Rudy, the Rabbi, was called upon to help solve the problem.

He said, "Don't worry. You can substitute matzo meal for the flour and the latkes will be just as delicious!"

Sheila looks to her husband and says, "Morty...you think it'll work?"

"Of course!

As everybody knows ... Rudolph, the Reb, knows grain, dear!"

 

[buddy]

Moish asked Samuel, "Was your wife outspoken?"
Samuel said, "Not by anyone I know of."

Dedicated to Harriet

 

[buddy]

A group of foreign dignitaries are visiting Israel. At the end of the tour, they are taken to see the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. They look at the tomb and read the following inscription:
ABRAHAM SCHWARTZ

BORN 5694

DIED 5733

A GOOD MAN AND A GREAT FURRIER

The visitors are incredulous. They ask the guide, "How can this be an unknown soldier if the grave has his name?"

Their host responds, "Sure, as a soldier he was unknown, but as a furrier -- he was the best!"

 

[buddy]

Christmas is one day, same day every year. December 25.

Jews love Dec. 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is eight days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida).

Christmas is a major holiday.

Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.

Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos...

Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or a the collected works of the Rambam which looks impressive on the bookshelf.

There is only one way to spell Christmas.

No one can decide how to spell Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannuka.

Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boy friends.

Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.

Christmas brings enormous electric bills.

Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night,
Come o Ye Faithful.....

Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?

A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful.

The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods.

A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.

Women have fun baking Christmas cookies.

Women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.

Parents deliver to their children during Christmas.

Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift any of the eight nights.

The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph and Jesus.

The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah, Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it.

On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

Many Christians believe in the virgin birth.

Jews think, "Joseph, bubela. Snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame God. Here's the number of my shrink."

In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized.

The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person.

Better stick with Chanukah.

 

[buddy]

A Texan is visiting Israel, and feeling thirsty, he stops at a house along the road. "Can you give me a drink of water?" asks the Texan.

"Of course," says the Israeli, and invites the Texan to come in.

"What do you do?" says the Texan."I raise a few chickens," says the Israeli.

"Really?" says the Texan. "I'm also a farmer. How much land do you have?"

"Well", says the Israeli, "out front it's fifty meters, as you can see, and in the back we have close to a hundred meters of property.

And what about your place?"

"Well", says the Texan, "on my ranch, I have breakfast and get into the car, and I drive and drive...and I don't reach the end of the ranch until dinnertime."

"Really," replies the Israeli. "I used to have a car like that."

 

[buddy]

Mrs. Greenberg was having an embarrassing problem. She farted all the time.

Mrs. Greenberg decided to visit her doctor. She went to her appointment and spoke to Doctor.

"I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Greenberg. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Greenbeerg marched into Dr. Johnson's office:

"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Greenberg," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

 

[Chanman]

An old Jewish Grandmother took her Grandson to the beach one day. She had just purchased a brand new outfit for him and was reading a book on the sand while watching the child build a sand castle.
Suddenly a very large wave washed the lad out to sea under the gaze of the elderly woman. "Oy Vey, Not my Grandson!" she shouted. "I'll do anything, give anything, just please not my only Grandson" she wailed.
All at once an even larger wave deposited the child at her feet. The old woman looked at the boy, then looked at the sky, looked at the boy, then looked at the sky, and with an upturned eyebrow said to the heavens: "He had a hat."

 

[TheShrimp]

Two Jews are outside a church and they see a sign that says,
"Convert to Catholicism, get $100."

So the first Jew says to the other, "I think I may just do that" so
he goes into the church, and comes out about an hour later.

The second Jew sees him and says, "So, did you convert to Catholicism."

"Yup. . ."

"Well, did you get the money?"

He says, "Is that all you Jews think about?"

 

[buddy]

Shrimp,

LOL!