Jokes for 2day

[Chanman]

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DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish.............................................49

Adventurous.................Slept with almost everyone

Athletic......................................No tits

Average looking....................Ugly

Beautiful............................Pathological liar

Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills

Emotionally Secure......................On medication

Feminist..........................................Fat and/or ugly

Free spirit....................................Junkie

Friendship first..........................Former slut

Fun..........................................Annoying

New-Age..............Body hair in the wrong places

Old-fashioned.............................No BJs

Open-minded.................................Desperate

Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk

Professional....................................Bitch

Voluptuous...................................Very Fat

Large frame.................................Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want..

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?


MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
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THE GOLFING NUN

A nun is sitting with her Mother superior, chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it"

When did you use this language, asked the elder?

Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that
looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.

Is that when you swore?

No, Mother, says the nun.

After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and
grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.

Is THAT when you swore? asked the Mother Superior

"Well, no" says the nun. You see, as the squirrel
was running, an eagle camedown from the sky, grabbed the squirrel in its talons and began to fly away.

Is THAT when you swore? asked the amazed older nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away
in its talons, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped the ball."

Did you swear then, asked the Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

No because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over
the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole.

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

The Mother Superior sighed and said
"You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you!?"
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[IntenseOperator]

It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but
until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content
of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary" research the results are in:

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent...............................12 Calories
Without her consent..........................2187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.......................... ......8 Calories
With one hand............................ .....12 Calories
With your teeth.......................... ....485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection......................... ......6 Calories
Without an erection...................... ...3315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris.............. .......8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot................ ...4092 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary......................................12 Calories
69 lying down..................................78 Calories
69 standing up................................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow...................................216 Calories
Doggy Style...................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier...........................2912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real.................................... .....112 Calories
Fake.........................................1315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging..................................................18
Calories
Getting up immediately..............................................36
Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately........,..816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years....................................36 Calories
30-39 years....................................80 Calories
40-49 years...................................124 Calories
50-59 years..................................1972 Calories
60-69 years..................................7916 Calories
70 and over..............................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly.........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.....................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door.........5218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door........13,521 Calories

Results may vary