jokes

[Kdogg21]

THE TEXAN AND THE VW

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.


The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"


"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!?"

 

[Kdogg21]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars
($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers
stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"
The other answered,
"I don't know - I thought you were watching."

 

[Kdogg21]

Man and his wife were driving home one very cold
night when the wife asks her husband to stop the
car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of
the road, and she got out to see if it was still
alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly
frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it
warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice
and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she
used to beat him with died at the scene.

 

[Kdogg21]

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on
a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered their pet
parakeet, and put the cat out in the backyard. They phoned the local cab
company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived, and the couple opened
the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the
yard scoots back into the house.

The couple didn't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always
tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband
goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot
pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's
just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long," he says as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the
bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I
had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it
worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car.

 

[IntenseOperator]

You Gotta Luv Drunks

You Gotta Luv Drunks

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and
those two guys helped us?"

"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still
there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.